Subject: Daily Dose - 040522 - EGYPTIAN VIAGRA, BIZARRE NEWS, My mother is better, DDL, Rotten News

EGYPTIAN VIAGRA

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

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BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Test Answers

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?  
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What are steroids?  
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her, but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.  

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come onto in pears.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get intercontinental.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

***  

Military Had A New Game Plan

LONDON - An impromptu soccer game took place near the North Pole on Monday between two nuclear submarines, one British and one American.

The two vessels surfaced through two naturally occurring gaps in the ice about a half a mile apart from each other after finishing an underwater exercise. "The crews of HMS Tireless and USS Hampton are gearing up for a game of football," Commander John Parris said. "It will probably be English football (soccer) since I doubt our lot know much about playing American football,"

Parris told Reuters. "I expect there will also be the mother of all snowball fights."

The ships both carried scientists on board along with the military element.

***

Kind Words Go To The Highest Bidder

GRAND ISLAND, Nebraska - If you're willing to pay the price, the Rev. Jim Keyser will say something nice...at your funeral.

The pastor of Trinity United Methodist Church felt a tad out of place when trying to think of something work related that he could auction at Saturday's Rotary Radio Auction. So while bidding upon gas grills, DVD players, and sprinkler systems, auction goers could also place their bid for a compliment-packed eulogy.

"For an extra $50, I'll say some really nice things," Keyser said. His eulogy offer at first began as a joke, but soon became a popular item.

The auction has even added a package that includes a funeral urn and cremation service.

***

British Brush Up For Toothing

LONDON - Commuters who appear to be innocently playing with their cell phone may not be so angelic. The new craze in London, called "toothing," has strangers on trains, buses, bars and stores hooking up with anonymous strangers for sex.

They set up illicit meetings using the latest phone technology - Bluetooth. The technology lets users send phone numbers, pictures and messages to other Potential toothers start by sending out a random greeting -- usually "Toothing?."

"If the other party is interested, messages are exchanged until a suitable location is agreed," says the "Beginner's Guide To Toothing."

Jon, the author of the guide, figures there are probably tens of thousands of toothers from every profession and lifestyle.

***

She Could Hardly Stomach The Pain

SYDNEY - A 69-year-old Australian woman is suing a Sydney hospital because surgeons left a pair of scissors in her abdomen for 18 months.

Pat Skinner suffered months of pain after doctors at St. George Hospital removed part of her colon in May 2001, she told Sky News Tuesday. Only after she insisted, an X-ray was finally performed and the scissors were caught on film, she said.

"I was just devastated, I could not believe what I was seeing. It was like a nightmare seeing those scissors up on the screen," Skinner said.

Calling the mishap "human error" a hospital spokesman said the scissors were removed in October 2002. Skinner said she was going public with her experience because she had decided to pursue legal action against the hospital.

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Two little boys were arguing. "My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

_________________________

DDL

A lady while | An epicure,] dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
Or waive it about
Or the others will all want one too."

_________________________

"Volvo says its new car, the YCC, is the first car designed and developed exclusively by women, for women.  They say it is safe, it is fuel-efficient, and the exterior is designed to always make the trunk look as small as possible."
--Jay Leno  

***  

"Don't cheat on your taxes. The IRS fined me $10,000 for putting my occupation as 'TV star'."
--Craig Kilborn

***  

"I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, 'I'm in here when you're walking around like that?'"
--Robin Williams

_________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Wed, Apr 21, 2004
Referee u-turn over riot-provoking goal

28 minutes ago 

By Eniwoke Ibagere

LAGOS (Reuters) - A Nigerian referee who ruled out a late goal at the weekend to prevent a riot has changed his mind and awarded victory to league leaders Dolphin FC.

Dolphin, playing at Plateau United, scored a goal in the 87th minute. After a pitch invasion which the police took 10 minutes to clear, the referee decided to cancel the goal and the game ended 0-0.

In his match report to the Nigerian Football Association (NFA), however, the referee said the goal was genuine and gave Dolphin a 1-0 win.

"He said he had to reverse the decision at the time to prevent a breakdown of law and order in view of the volatile situation in the stadium," NFA league spokesman Salisu Abubakar told reporters.

"Based on his report, the three points go to Dolphin."

Dolphin manager Diepriye Fiberesima was stabbed after Plateau supporters stormed the pitch, waving knives and cutlasses, according to media reports. He was taken to hospital and later discharged.

The three points allow Dolphin FC to consolidate their lead in the Nigerian premier league. Dolphin have 31 points from 13 games, an eight-point lead over Iwuanyanwu Nationale.

The Nigerian league has been punctuated by violent incidents since the season began in February.

Kwara United are to protest the alleged kidnapping of their Liberian coach Jokar Wrechar by supporters of Gabros FC.

Wrechar, according to local media, disappeared after halftime and the visitors refused to play on, forcing the referee to abandon the match and award it to Gabros.

The Liberian appeared several hours later in the team hotel, saying seven gunmen abducted him from the stadium.

********

Protests, Not Parties, Keep Palestinian DJ Busy
Mon Apr 19,10:28 AM ET

By Mohammed Assadi

RAMALLAH, West Bank (Reuters) - With so much killing and economic misery, few Palestinians feel like partying. So for the intrepid DJ Saadeh, it's a good thing that protest rallies are in demand.

"It's assassination season," he said, turning on a microphone at an angry gathering in Ramallah the day after Israel's killing of militant leader Abdel-Aziz al-Rantissi. "Assassinations boost business."

Rantissi, head of the Islamic militant group Hamas in Gaza, was killed by a rocket less than a month after Israel assassinated Hamas's spiritual leader, Sheikh Ahmed Yassin.

Not surprisingly, Hamas is one of the main clients for Saadeh's sound system, organizing rallies where supporters vent their anger at Israel through speeches or nationalist songs.

"There is no mood for parties," he said.

Ramallah used to be a fairly liberal island in relatively conservative Palestinian society, providing a decent living for a DJ playing rock and roll and Arabic pop music.

In his new line of business, Saadeh, who gave only his first name, doesn't even have to bring music.

"Take this tape. Boost the morale of the crowd," one Hamas supporter told him at the open-air rally. "It's called 'Revolt'."

Saadeh works for one or other of the Palestinian political factions about once a week, but is shy about saying how much he charges -- perhaps wary of being seen to benefit from the gloom of Israel's clampdown on the Palestinian territories.

From the podium behind him, packed with speakers, cables and microphones, the Hamas tape booms out:

"Revolt, revolt, revolt. Revolt with stones. Nothing washes off our disgrace but revolution and stones."

**********

Thu, Apr 15, 2004
A bank, a bomb threat and an old lady

BERLIN (Reuters) - German police are searching for a little old lady whose only success in an attempted bank robbery was a clean get-away.

Berlin police said a woman, who appeared to be in her 70s, shuffled nervously into a Berlin bank on Wednesday morning and told tellers that crooks had foisted a bomb on her and threatened to blow her up if she didn't rob the bank.

"She was a bit confused and told a cashier three men had handed her a bag containing a bomb and forced her to get the money or it would explode," said a police spokesman.

Banking staff refused to meet her demands and took the bag from her, before evacuating the bank.

By the time police arrived the white-haired woman had scarpered without a trace and the bomb turned out to be a fake.

************

BANGKOK'S PUBLIC "BREAST" EXERCISES !

Breast exercises prove popular in Bangkok

Breast exercise sessions have been launched in Thailand to help local women boost their busts.

They are aimed at helping women who feel overawed by media images of big-breasted western women.

Health officials also say Thai women's breasts are being misshapen by unsuitable imported bras.

Organised by the public health ministry, the first exercise session in Bangkok attracted plenty of participants.

A troupe of dancers led the way in showing women how to improve their bust without resorting to cosmetic surgery.

Dr Pennapha Subcharoen said: "Many women are not aware that wearing an appropriate size of bra, and regularly taking bosom firming dance can make their wish come true."