Subject: Daily Dose - 040519 - Dear Abby, THIS is TRUE, inconceivable, DDL, Rotten News

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Mt. Washington, KY who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Morehead and one of my sisters, who lives in West Liberty, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Covington.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Eddyville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Campton. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fianc?e and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Kerry supporter?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation

_______________________________

THIS is TRUE...

ALL SHOOK UP: "This is a dramatic and compelling drama," itsists Howard Braunstein. The executive producer of the NBC-TV miniseries "10.5", which depicts a gigantic earthquake hitting California and destroying everything from San Francisco to Los Angeles, defends the show in the face of criticism from scientists. "The production is blatantly inconsistent with everything we know about earthquakes," says seismologist Lucy Jones of the California Institute of Technology, who found the production laughable. Braunstein was asked whether the producers had consulted scientists before scripting the show. "Not really," he said. "We went on the Internet for backup research." (Los Angeles Times)
...Braunstein's next production: "Dihydrogen Oxide: the Killer Around Us".

********

TIMING IS EVERYTHING: Lyle Wray, 54, has had it and is quitting his job as the "affordable housing advocate" for the non-profit Ventura County (Calif.) Civic Alliance. The job is fine, it's just that he can't find a house in the county that he can afford with his $80,000 per year salary. "This is the most beautiful place I've ever lived in," Wray says. "I just can't afford to live here." The median price for a single-family residence in the county is $440,000 -- up 26 percent since Wray took his job a year ago. His new employment: the affordable housing advocate for West Hartford, Conn. (Los Angeles Times)
...Attention West Hartford residents: now is the time to buy!

********

THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN: Queenstown Lakes District Council has moved to prohibit brothels on hovercraft. Is there a problem with hovering brothels in the Otago, New Zealand, area? Not yet, says the Council's lawyer, Kevin Phillips. "We wanted to be sure there weren't ways of circumventing the bylaw" by adding hovercraft to the list of vehicles where brothels are prohibited. (Southland Times)
...Of course, they can still go down in submarines.

********

FAMILY VALUES EXPLAINED: An Easter production for children by the Glassport (Penn.) Assembly of God church brought a big crowd. But "It was absolutely horrendous," said Melissa Salzmann, who left with her child when she realized what the show was about. Performers told the kids "there is no Easter Bunny" and smashed eggs the kids thought they'd be looking for in an Easter egg hunt after the show. Then they tortured a woman in an Easter Bunny suit. Salzmann said her 4-year-old son "was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped." The church's youth minister, who played the part of the Bunny, explained "The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to convey that Easter is not just about the Easter Bunny." (McKeesport Daily News, AP)
...If there's no Easter Bunny, then what were they torturing?

********

MOOCHERS: "Cow Thefts Blamed on Low-Carb Craze"
-- Tallahassee Democrat headline

_____________________________

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

___________________________

DDL

The joyprong on Ichabod Creep
Makes trollops he trafficks with weep.
His twenty-inch tool
Gets small use, as a rule,
For you find damn few whores half that deep!

____________________________

Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The label read: "In case of emergency, unzip and exit through the top."

***  

"It's been reported that Greece, where they're going to hold the Olympics, may not be able to finish building all the event sites for this summer's Olympics.  As a result, this year's triathlon combines running, swimming, and pouring concrete."
--Conan O'Brien  

***  

"The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker."
--Jay Leno

____________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Buddha bikini upsets Thais

Wed Apr 21, 5:51 AM ET 

BANGKOK (Reuters) - A multi-coloured Victoria's Secret swimsuit with an image of the Buddha on the bikini top is upsetting many deeply traditional Thais who want its U.S. makers to take it off the shelves.

The mass-circulation Thai Rath newspaper splashed a picture of a buxom blonde beauty wearing the offending bikini on its front page on Wednesday, provoking outcries from politicians in the predominantly Buddhist country.

"We are offended and we will have to tell them we are offended," said Deputy Prime Minister Wissanu Krea-Ngam, who is also in charge of Buddhist affairs.

The paper, which said it was alerted to the racy poolside outfit by a Thai woman who spotted it in an American summer clothing catalogue, said the swimsuit was "too much" and "hurt the hearts of Buddhists".

No representative of Victoria's Secret was immediately available for comment.

********

Tuesday, 20 April, 2004, 00:22 GMT 01:22 UK 

Hezbollah's unconventional quiz

A game show aired by Lebanese militant group Hezbollah's satellite television channel has raised eyebrows. In "The Mission", which is shown on al-Manar, contestants battle for points which enable them to step towards Jerusalem on a virtual map.

Questions range from the date of the French Revolution to names of militants who carried out suicide attacks.

The show has drawn criticism for being just a more subtle form of propaganda, the New York Times reported. One US official even told the paper the programme was encouraging violence, nicknaming it "Name Your Favourite Terrorist".

The US regards Hezbollah as a terrorist organisation and has criticised al-Manar's programmes as being anti-Semitic.

But al-Manar spokesman Ibrahim Musawi told the newspaper that the show - which draws on contestants from across the Arab world - wanted to put its message "into a form that would appeal to a wider segment of the population".

"It is not in an ideological or a direct way, but in an entertaining way," he said.

Contestants compete for prizes of up to $3,000, with each question they answer correctly they move one step closer on a virtual map towards Jerusalem.

Should a contestant successfully reach Jerusalem the show plays a favourite Hezbollah song which declares "Jerusalem is ours and we are coming to it".

"These kinds of programs are very important, repeating the issue of the Palestinians, keeping it vivid in our minds, keeping it alive," former contestant Muhammad Abu Ghararah told the New York Times.

"We always have to remember the Palestinian cause and that is what Manar does."

*********

Saturday, 17 April, 2004, 02:29 GMT 03:29 UK 

Drugs found on Colombian flagship

A large cache of cocaine and heroin has been found on the Colombian navy's flagship, the Gloria.

The discovery was made just as Peruvian President Alejandro Toledo was to tour the ship during an official visit.

The sailing ship, which is the pride of the national fleet, was also due to visit the US and Europe to try to promote Colombia's image abroad.

The incident is the latest in a series of scandals dogging the Colombian security forces.

President Alvaro Uribe called the incident a stain on the nation's honour and ordered the entire 75 crew members suspended.

Officials found 16.5kg (36lb) of heroin and 10kg (22lb) of cocaine hidden in the engine room of the historic three-masted ship.

"The government would rather see the ship rot than let this type of crime continue rotting our national dignity," the government said in a statement.

The BBC's Jeremy McDermott in Medellin says the incident is the latest in a series of scandals which have seen generals and colonels sacked for corruption or incompetence and the army accused of being trigger-happy.

************

"DO NOT RESUSCITATE" TATTOOED ON 85 YR OLD WOMAN

An 85-year-old woman has had the words Do Not Resuscitate tattooed on her chest to make sure her intentions are known if she is taken seriously ill.

Frances Polack, a former nurse, said she did it to prevent any doctor and her relatives from getting into trouble for obeying her wishes to be allowed to die when seriously ill.

Mrs Polack, who lives in the New Forest, Hampshire, told the Nursing Standard magazine that she has carried around a living will in her handbag for years but felt this might not be checked during an emergency.

Explaining her reason for the tattoo, she said: "Years ago when I was nursing I could see they resuscitated so many people who they shouldn't have.

"I don't want to die twice. By resuscitating me, they would be bringing me back from the dead only for me to have to go through it again.

"There is enormous pressure on doctors and paramedics, often from relatives, to try to revive patients at any cost, even when the patient has made their wishes clear on hospital notes.

"I did it because I believe it would protect me, protect my family, if they were asked for consent, and protect any doctors involved."

Alongside the instruction, Mrs Polack, originally from South Africa, also had a heart design tattooed with a "no go" sign through it. She said she paid £25 for the tattoos.

She said: "They were most professional considering they probably don't have old women coming into their shop to have their boobs tattooed every day."