Subject: Daily Dose - 040518 - ISRAELI CUSTOMS, BIZARRE NEWS, Ask Jeeves, DDL, Rotten News

ISRAELI CUSTOMS

A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport with two large bags. The customs agent opens the first bag and finds it full with money in different currencies. The agent asks the passenger, "How did you get this money?"

The man says, "You will not believe it, but I travelled all over Europe, went into public restrooms, each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, "donate money to Israel or I will cut-off your balls."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles: "well...it's a very interesting story... what do you have in the other bag?"

The man says, "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel"...

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Police Reports

In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

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Foreplay Got A Little Too Hot

To add a little heat to their love life, Darlene Humby and her boyfriend decided to try playing with matches. They hadn't made it past the foreplay stage when the man's shirt caught on fire, perhaps with the help of some lighter fluid.

As the fire engulfed the man's shirt, sex suddenly didn't seem as important as booking it to the emergency room.

While the unfortunate victim headed to the hospital with second and third degree burns on his face, arms, neck, and torso, Darlene was taken to the police station. She has been sentenced to three years in jail for second-degree assault.

Meanwhile, her boyfriend spent two weeks in Strong Memorial Hospital's burn unit and required two skin grafts.

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Chicken - Have It Your Way

MIAMI - A man in a chicken costume who follows typed commands is sweeping the Internet as part of a Burger King advertising campaign.

The actor that appears, complete with a garter belt, responds to hundreds of typed commands, but stops short of pornography. However, the chicken will obey a command to pee on the couch at the subservientchicken.com site.

The chicken also responds to commands to riverdance, moonwalk, somersault and bullfight. The soundless site looks like one of many Web cam pornography sites where a user can type in a command and a person on the screen will follow it. However, ask the chicken to do a lewd act and it walks up to the camera and wags a scolding finger.

"The site is geared to reach out to the 20- and 30-year-olds that are difficult to reach with traditional advertising," said Blake Lewis, a spokesman for the Miami-based chain.

There is little reference to Burger King, apart from a button to click for information on the BK Tendercrisp sandwich.

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Age Is Just A Number

HARRISBURG, Pa. - A Pennsylvania professor believed to be the oldest college teacher in the United States has retired at age 104.

Messiah College Professor Ray Crist was honored by the school near Harrisburg on his final day, Tuesday, the Patriot-News reported Wednesday.

Crist came to Messiah at age 70 and took only $1 per year as salary throughout his 34 years at the liberal arts college. Two years ago, at 102, Crist was named America's oldest worker by Experience Works, a non-profit training and employment service, the Patriot News said.

Crist received a doctorate in chemistry from Columbia University in 1926 and, in 1945, was a director with the Manhattan Project, which led to the development of the atomic bomb.

Crist said he plans to spend his retirement years researching a variety of subjects and writing academic papers. "When you have a mission, you go after it," Crist said. "And I am still going after it."

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Cookies Aren't The Only Treats For This Tin

LONDON - At first glance it's just your average, innocent cookie tin. But upon closer inspection, you'll notice an image that's not so clean - a hidden drawing of two dogs having sex in the grass.

Unaware that an angry employee had hidden sexually explicit images in the scene of a 20th century illustration of a genteel picnic, biscuit makers Huntley & Palmers sold thousands of these cookie tins.

The artist, who was not identified, had been fired from the cookie company and decided to get back at his employers with this final project. He included the small picture of the canines in the act as well as a pair of naked lovers.

The dirty tins have now become collectors' items and Lawrences Auctioneers in Somerset, England, hopes that collectors bid 250 pounds ($446) when one of the tins goes on sale next Friday.

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My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet.  Our first move was to acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

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DDL

Albert Einstein's the man we must credit
For being the man who first said it.
The name of the game
That brought him his fame
Was E = mc squared - Geddit?

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"In a recent interview Jennifer Lopez says she regrets giving herself the nickname of J. Lo.  She said never take nickname advice from somebody named P. Diddy."
--Conan O'Brien

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"Yeah, but I love you more than football and basketball."
--Tommy Lasorda, after his wife accused him of loving baseball more than her.

***  

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

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Rotten News....  (true)

April 23, 2004 

Accused: Drugs belonged to rooster

MANAGUA, Nicaragua (AP) -- A Nicaraguan defence lawyer whose client is facing cocaine charges argued Thursday the narcotics were actually in the possession of the suspect's rooster and two hens.

Prosecutors dismissed the claim as "absurd and impertinent."

On Saturday, police found 67.3 kilograms of cocaine and a revolver hidden in a cage housing a fighting rooster and two hens in the parking lot of a cockfighting den controlled by Francisco Armando Rivera.

Rivera was arrested and charged with cocaine possession but his lawyer, Manuel Urbina, said his client was never in possession of the narcotics.

"The drugs were in the possession of a rooster and two hens and the law is very clear that whoever is in possession of the drugs is the one who should be accused," Urbina said.

Rivera has remained in prison while Judge Martha Lorena Martinez weighs the case against him. Urbina said Thursday the prosecution must prove the drugs actually belonged to his client.

"I'm going to order an inspection of this rooster and the two hens," Rivera said.

In comments later, Nicaraguan Attorney General Julio Centeno called the defence's case "an absurd joke."

"I'm not going to comment further because we all know the only ones who can posess things are human beings," he said.

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Thu, Apr 22, 2004
Rampant Rhino Gets Amorous with Car

LONDON (Reuters) - A rampant rhinoceros gave a group of visitors a glimpse of nature in the raw at a British safari park when he tried to have sex with their car.

Sharka, a two-ton white rhino, got amorous with Dave Alsop's car when he stopped with three friends to take pictures of the animal mating with his partner Trixie at the West Midland Safari Park.

The 12-year-old rhino tried to mount the Renault Laguna from the side, denting the doors and ripping off the wing mirrors before Dave drove away with a puffing Sharka in pursuit.

"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun newspaper on Thursday. "He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."

A spokeswoman for the park, which says "rhinos are not particularly intelligent animals" on its Web site, said Sharka was a hit with the female rhinos and had fathered two calves in the last five years.

"He's got a bit of a reputation this lad and he was obviously at it again," she added.

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Thu, Apr 22, 2004
Romanian team told to win or face the music

Thu Apr 22, 3:22 AM ET 

BUCHAREST (Reuters) - A top Romanian soccer club owner says he will send the whole squad to listen to a classical music concert as a punishment if they lose their next match.

With eight games left, Universitatea Craiova, fourth in the first division with 33 points, need to make ground on third-placed Rapid Bucharest on 37 to have a chance of European soccer next season.

"Attending a classical music concert is a hard task for a soccer player," Craiova's main shareholder Dinel Staicu said on Thursday. If they (the players) don't like the fiery atmosphere of the arena, then they must put up with the calm of a concert for two hours," Staicu told Reuters by telephone from Craiova.

Craiova are at home this weekend to 12th placed Petrolul Ploiesti and defeat would drastically undermine hopes for a place in next season's UEFA Cup preliminary rounds.

"I will buy tickets for a concert at the local Philharmonic hall if they lose the match, as a punishment," Staicu said.

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WATER-SKING SQUIRREL HEADS FOR BOAT SHOW

Water-skiing squirrel heading for boat show

The world's only water-skiing squirrel will be one of the more unusual attractions at a US boat show this weekend.

Trainer Lou Ann Best will be putting Twiggy through her paces at the National Capital Boat Show at the Dulles Expo Centre, Chantilly, Virginia.

Twiggy wears a red lifejacket and a pair of skis and is pulled around a 24ft pool that is just six inches deep, reports the Washington Post.

"It's kinda like training a husband," she says. "You have to give them a lot of love and affection and tell them the same thing over and over again."

Twiggy is actually Twiggy number five. Lou Ann's late husband Chuck trained the first Twiggy back in 1978.

Lou Ann says Chuck was a master at teaching animals to water-ski. He also trained two miniature ponies, two French poodles, an armadillo and a toad-frog.