Subject: Daily Dose - 040517 - LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES, Hey Martha, M6 South, DDL, Rotten News

LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES:

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".

So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?

_____________________________

Hey Martha....  (True weird news stories)

April 14, 2004 

Norwegian county declares smoking a human right

OSLO, Norway (AP) - A central Norwegian county has declared smoking to be a basic human right in a dispute over a ban imposed on one town's workers.

Levanger, a township of about 18,000 people, banned all smoking by municipal employees during working hours on or off city property at the beginning of the year. The ruling, which made national news Wednesday, came after three opponents of the rule, all local council members from the right-wing Party of Progress, asked the county governor's office to assess the ban's legality.

In a letter to the city dated Tuesday, the county declared the ban invalid because it violates the European Human Rights Convention.

It said the city can ban smoking on its property, but not, for example, if a worker was driving his or her own car or was on private property.

The county cited a section of the convention that protects citizens' private lives.

The letter said "a total ban on smoking during working hours is a measure that is not reasonable in relation to the goal of the ban."

Birger Meinhardt and Steinar Holten, two of the politicians who lodged the complaint, celebrated the ruling on the steps of the Levanger town hall by lighting up the biggest cigars they could find.

"Just like before Jan. 1, 2004," Holten told the Troender-Avisa newspaper as he puffed on the cigar.

___________________________

When my younger brother Greg, was about 5 years old, we took him for a day out to Donnington Park Racing Curcuit for the day. So, as we joined the M6 motorway, we passed a hitch-hiker holding a sign which read 'M6 South', to which Greg turned to us and said, quite seriously 'That must be a boring job!!!'

___________________________

DDL

A toast to the lady vice cop
With the most busts, for trying to stop
The tide of ill-doing,
In pay-for-play screwing -
Undercover, she came out on top!

____________________________

"I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.

Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all."

--Ogden Nash

***  

"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise."
--Tobias George Smolett  

***  

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."
--Quentin Crisp

_____________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Blow away a cow for $400, and other weird tourist attractions

25.03.2004
By JIM EAGLES, travel editor

How would you fancy the chance to fire a rocket-launcher at a cow? Or an anti-aircraft gun at a chicken? They are among the special attractions on offer to tourists in the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh.

I think that tops off the parasite museum, sewer tours, turtle races, asylum-hotels and bone sculptures in the list of weird tourist attractions sent in by readers in response to the story about Flight Centre's Top 10 Strangest Tourist Attractions.

Tim Mitchelson discovered the Cambodian Army's jolly little foray into the entertainment industry when his taxi driver in Phnom Penh asked if he would like to try his hand at firing an assault rifle.

"Replying in the affirmative, I was driven to a nearby Army base, where I was met by a young soldier with a price list," he says.

"These guys had everything under the sun: pistols, grenades, machineguns, anti-aircraft guns, and - of course - rocket-launchers. Asked if I got to shoot at anything, they offered me a choice of a coconut, a chicken or a cow.

"Pressing them further on price, they announced their special combo was a cow and a rocket-launcher for US$400: US$200 for each. On the bright side, you got to keep your US$200 for the cow if you missed. I settled for the machinegun and the coconut."

But if you want to take the armaments home, Somalia is the place to head for.

The Economist magazine reports that, "Brave tourists can find unusual bargains in Mogadishu. In the market a hand grenade sells for US$10, a howitzer for US$20,000." Weirder still, it also reports that Somalia, which has a Minister of Tourism, has officially not had a single tourist for 14 years.

The minister, Abdi Jimale Osman, can't understand this. "I'm sure tourists would leave Somalia alive and I'm hopeful they wouldn't be kidnapped," he is reported as saying. "At least, we would try to make sure they were not kidnapped, though it can happen."

Runner-up in the weirdness stakes would have to be the Parasite Museum in Meguro, Tokyo, which displays 300 varieties of parasites that have been found in humans. Charlie Eng, who discovered it while she was living in Japan says, "Its house, a very small, unassuming building, looks so normal, in fact, it's easy to miss.

"The definite highlight is the 9m long tapeworm that was found growing in some poor man's stomach after eating some dodgy sashimi [you can put your nose right up to the glass and see every detailed inch of it]. Oh, yes, you can buy souvenir T-shirts there, and best of all it's free."

Apparently the Parasite Museum is a popular destination for young dating couples. You can get more information about it at www.greggman.com/japan/kiseichuu/kiseichuu.htm

Then there is the Penis Park outside the Fisherman's Museum in Sinnam on the east coast of South Korea. Martin Robinson says the park is "packed with giant wooden penises carved in fanciful designs. Every July a Penis Festival is held when more are carved and added to the park collection."

But, Robinson adds, "You don't have to leave New Zealand to visit strange tourist attractions. Seacliff Asylum, 30km north of Dunedin, used to house psychiatric patients, including author Janet Frame. You can tour what's left of the asylum and even sleep there as part of it has been converted into a backpackers."

When it comes to weird places to stay, however, Alex Robertson recalls a hotel in New York which has "very interestingly designed rooms with no two the same.

"I stayed in one that had a mannequin embedded in the bathroom door, so that it greeted you on your way into the bathroom and you stared at it's backside while on the loo."

For those who like their accommodation on the unusual side he recommends: www.hostels.com/tt/weirdhostels.html

And for anyone whose appetite was whetted by reference in an earlier article to tours of the Parisian sewers, Robertson suggests a visit to www.ooze.com/sewer/howto.html. It has details of sewer tours, with a couple of toilet tours thrown in for good measure, in most of the major cities of Europe.

Amanda Davie came across a strange tourist attraction during a train journey to Flam in the Norwegian fiords. "During part of the train journey we pulled up at a large platform in front of a waterfall and everyone got out," she says.

"All of a sudden this music started blaring from somewhere and way up at the top of the waterfall from behind a boulder this woman dressed in a red costume appeared. She wiggled her hips a little then disappeared back behind the boulder.

"Then another woman appeared, dressed the same, this time further down the waterfall. They did this alternately for a while then the music stopped and that was it. We were a bit confused but afterwards we saw posters of the performance on the train and realised it must be a tourist attraction."

Larraine Stevenson was greatly taken by the turtle racing offered by a bar in Santa Monica every Tuesday night. "Patrons go out a side door to the race track which is surrounded with wooden grandstands.

"The turtles that are racing are placed in the centre of the circle covered with a container. When all bets have been placed the cover is lifted and the turtles race to the edge."

She also recommends the cemeteries under Paris. "Apparently, all the bones were shifted there during some war or other. They are arranged in fantastic patterns, such as skull and crossbones, houses, boats, etc."

Then there is the Museo delle Mummie which Linley Downey found in the village of Ferentillo a couple of hours' drive from Rome.

"In the crypt of the church San Stefano are different types of corpses which have been preserved by accident. Apparently they have been dried and preserved by the sandy soil conditions and the wind from the south.

"Just inside the door were two French soldiers hanged during the Napoleonic wars. They were just hanging there and you could tell exactly where the rope had been. There was a dwarf, a mother who died in childbirth with her baby lying next to her, a soldier bolt upright with his gun, a local lawyer shot in a feud and another man shot through the stomach in the same feud."

Siobhan O'Donovan found something similar in the catacombs of Palermo in Sicily.

"Once inside it was pretty freaky. Bodies were literally hanging from and standing up against the walls. Others were stacked on shelves like books in a library.

"There were probably around 200 bodies in total. Some were very well preserved, some were not. Most were clothed. The strangest were the little children, one or two no more than babies, still with bowed legs and enormous heads. One baby was so well preserved that, but for the cold, you might have thought it was asleep.

"I left the catacombs and was flashed at by a man in a nasty, dirty white Bambina. All in all an unforgettable day."

It surely is a weird and wonderful world out there.

**********

Fat German hamster triggers police rescue  
Wed Mar 31,11:32 AM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German hamster called "Teddy" has sparked a police rescue mission after he climbed inside a computer printer and got stuck because he was too fat to get out again.

"Contrary to his normal habits, Teddy climbed inside a PC printer and was unable to get out because of his corpulence," police in the northern city of Flensburg said in a statement on Wednesday, adding that they initially thought it was an April Fool's joke.

Luckily for Teddy, a neighbour of his owner managed to free the hamster so the arriving police officer was spared the task.

"After all the commotion, the animal was already peacefully asleep again in his cage, having escaped with nothing but a few bruises," said the statement.

***********

CONTROVERSIAL 'IMMORAL' RUSSIAN AD CAMPAIGN

Advertising authorities in Moscow have banned a poster campaign showing the euro having sex with the US dollar.

The campaign, by the Russian Finance magazine, was judged immoral by the Moscow Committee for advertising and information, reports Izvestia.

Advertising company News Outdoor had to tear down 100 posters overnight in Moscow, after receiving a warning letter from the committee chairman Igor Presnyakov.

Magazine publisher Igor Maltsev said he did not realise what the posters were supposed to represent.

"I thought the currencies were dancing on our poster," he said. "But a fter hearing from Mr Presnyakov I saw that, yes, maybe, this is a love scene."