Subject: Daily Dose - 040516 - Another groaner issue

Yet another issue of groaners....

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town’s register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, " I must have taken Leif off my census."

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Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is that --

..the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!

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With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.  

I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.

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Two dogs were walking down the street.  The one dog says to  the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.  

The other dog says, "What was that about?"  

The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."

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One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)...The patron saint of generosity, in fact, people say he was generous to a fault.

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Theodore came home from a long business trip and fell onto the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him.

He said, "I ran into Mary - you remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me."

"Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."

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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now

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There was a king with a beautiful daughter. Now everyone wanted to marry this daughter, so the king took 3 of the strongest men in his kingdom and said who ever can get the most ping pong balls can marry my daughter.

So the first man left and came back 2 weeks later with a lot of ping pong balls.

The second man came back a month later with more ping pong balls then the first.

Ok said the king we still have to wait for the third man. 3 months later he comes back all beat up, bleeding, dirty, and hurt.

Here I am King, said the man. The king looked and said wow you must have more ping pong balls then the first 2 men, you will marry my daughter said the king.

And the third man looked at the King and said PING PONG BALLS I tought you said KING KONG'S BALLS!

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Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it.  He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."

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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and tood the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious

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PIRATE'S PARROT

A pirate walked into a bar and up to the counter. The bartender couldn't help but notice a large steering wheel with a parrot perched atop it sticking out of the pirate's pants.

"Hey friend," the bartender said to the pirate, do you realize you have a steering wheel with a parrot on it sticking out of your pants?"

"Yar!" the pirate replied. "He's driving me nuts!"