Subject: Daily Dose - 040510- PRESIDENTIAL LETTER, THIS is TRUE, My wife is poisoning me, DDL, Rotten News

PRESIDENTIAL LETTER

Mr. John Hinckley St. Elizabeth's Hospital Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital report that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. And both Laura and I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you will let us know.

By the way, were you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?

Sincerely, George W. Bush President of the United States

_____________________________

THIS is TRUE....

PET PEEVE: The Oregon Humane Society was flooded with calls after the news broke on a Portland radio station: a new state law went into effect April 1 that requires pet dogs, cats and ferrets to wear seatbelts when riding in cars, or the driver will be subject to a $150 fine. No warnings, either: the state had already collected more than $89,000, noted KEX radio. Then the station put "listeners" on the air to say how they had been caught by the law, including one man who said his Seeing Eye dog "was taken into custody" for not being belted in. "You'd think people would realize it's April Fools when we said a blind person was driving a car," said host Dave Anderson, but the Humane Society reported that one of the calls was from the local sheriff's office, who wanted to know if the report was true. "There are a lot of people very upset and angry," said co-host Mark Mason. (Portland Oregonian)
...Well yeah: they know what their politicians are like.

********

DON'T LEAVE US HANGING: Randy Wood, 33, of West Monroe, N.Y., called his ex-wife and asked her to come over to see something. When she arrived she found him hanging by his neck from a tree in his front yard. Wood was safely secured in a lineman's harness and was neither dead nor dying, but before he could yell "April Fool!" his ex had called 911 and a rescue crew was on the way. Sheriff's deputies cited him with "falsely reporting an incident" and he faces up to a year in jail. "Obviously, it's not a funny matter," said Sheriff Reuel Todd. (AP)
...Sure it is: he gave her a great idea.

********

SNUFFED: With great fanfare on the eve of the millennium, the "Eternal Flame of Hope" was lit in Birmingham, England. The 72,000 pound (US$131,700) sculpture that houses the flame was donated by a coalition of local churches, and the flame was sponsored by a smoke alarm company. But the company has ended its support, leaving the city to pay the 12,000 pound (US$22,000) yearly gas bill, which it refuses to do. It's not just the money, says Councilman Ian Ward. "In a world where we are increasingly aware of greenhouse gases, we need to consider whether burning 12,000 pounds of gas every year is a responsible attitude towards the environment," he says, suggesting a flame-like electric light would be better. (London Telegraph)
...Which would be rechristened the "Temporary Glimmer of Hope".

********

A HEAP O' TROUBLE: "Rural" Garfield County (Neb.) Sheriff Larry Donner was invited to Burwell High School by his teacher wife to speak to students. He passed around his handcuffs for the students to see, and cuffed student Seth Barrett, 17, as a demonstration. But when he tried to release Barrett the key broke off in the lock. No fear: Donner took the boy to a local welder and had the cuffs cut off -- with a plasma torch. Then the sheriff had to take the boy for treatment of third-degree burns. "The theme of [the resulting] lawsuit is 'What were you thinking?'," says attorney Maren Chaloupka, who has filed suit against the sheriff's office, the school, and the welding shop on Barrett's behalf. (Lincoln Journal Star)
...Thinking?

********

HEY ROCKY! "Frying Squirrel Blamed for Sunday Power Outage"
-- Muskegon (Mich.) Chronicle headline

______________________________

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

________________________

DDL

A pretty young harlot of Crete
Used to hawk her meat in the street.
Ambling out one fine day
In a most casual way,
She clapped up the whole British fleet.

_________________________

"The Mayor of St. Louis is starting a campaign to get St. Louis removed from the list of America's Fattest Cities. The people of St. Louis knew they had a problem when someone got stuck walking through the Arch."
--Conan O'Brien

***  

"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change."
--Jay Leno

***  

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
--Dave Barry

__________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

(Special "Pig Story" Collection)

Fri, Apr 09, 2004
Whiskey Swigging Bride Wants Photo Killed

DAYTON, Ohio - Most women are eager to show off their wedding photos. But Michele Hemphill is suing to get a picture of her drinking whiskey and smoking a cigarette in her wedding dress off store shelves.

The photo was taken 22 years ago while Hemphill was with her bridesmaids before her wedding. It's featured on a greeting card with the caption: "Intoxicating Love." Inside it says, "Isn't love intoxicating? Congratulations on your special day."

Hemphill, a mother of three who works at an assisted living community and is active in her church, seeks damages of more than $25,000 for invasion of privacy, publication of private matters, intrusion upon seclusion and slander in her lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court.

She asks that all copies of the photograph be destroyed and the card be removed from retailers.

Named as defendants are Wallace McNamee of Hilton Head, S.C., who took the photo; Corbis Corp. of Olympia, Wash., an online digital image company; and Portal Publications Ltd. of Novato, Calif., a greeting card publisher.

Hemphill learned of the card on July 31, 2003, when a friend received it. The card is available at retailers in the Dayton and Springfield areas, the lawsuit says.

Hemphill's attorney, Richard Schulte, said Portal has removed the picture from its Web site, but not from store shelves.

********

Fri, Apr 09, 2004
Pigs trot to fame in The Great Escape

By Paul Majendie

LONDON (Reuters) - Only the British would make national heroes out of two pigs who escaped from a slaughterhouse and made a dash for freedom.

Britons are often mocked for treating their pets better than their children. So the BBC clearly felt it was onto a winner immortalising the exploits of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Pig.

They were two Tamworth ginger-haired pigs who sparked an international media frenzy in 1998. Even Japanese and American networks flew in to cover the chase.

"The Legend of the Tamworth Two," being screened by BBC Television on Monday, relives the frenetic week when the porcine pair were billed the world's most famous fugitives. The plucky porkers escaped the abattoir knife in Malmesbury by burrowing under a fence and swimming across an icy river to freedom.

Tabloid newspapers offered huge rewards for the fleeing pigs. TV helicopters hovered over the sleepy rural backwater. The Vegetarian Society begged people to save their bacon.

The mission to save Butch and Sundance became a public obsession in animal-worshipping Britain where the film "Babe" -- about a talking piglet -- was a smash hit.

Journalist Wendy Best, who broke the tale in her local newspaper, said: "I knew it was a good story. It was January, the weather was foul, it was after Christmas and people needed cheering up."

Astonished by the way the story snowballed, she recalled: "The international media joined in the feeding frenzy. American and Japanese film crews were among them. It was very strange after spending 17 years as a journalist that what was basically a ridiculous little story should gain such notoriety."

The story had a happy ending both in fact and fiction.

The original Tamworth Two were finally recaptured and bought by the Daily Mail before becoming a tourist attraction at an animal sanctuary. The eight pigs used in the BBC film will not be ending up as another great tradition -- roast pork for Sunday lunch. They have been retired to a farm park.

Actors are always warned never to work with children or animals because they are such scene-stealers.

But actor Gerard Horan, who plays the pigs' original owner in the film, was full of admiration for his co-stars.

"They have been a lot less trouble than most actors I've worked with. You don't have to drag them out of the bar at two in the morning. They turn up on time."

But he did confess in the Radio Times listing magazine to a twinge of envy: "I want their agent -- they only work two hours a day and they are treated like royalty. They spend the rest of their time either lying down or eating."

**********

And pigs really do fly at Easter
Fri Apr 9, 1:43 AM ET 

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Easter revellers in Australia's biggest city are discovering pigs really do fly.

Led by a well-fed porker known as Miss Piggy, piglets that dive off a four-metre (13-foot) platform have proved a hit with the crowds that pack the showground at the Royal Easter Show in Sydney, which runs through the weekend.

The well-trained diving pigs race up a ramp before flying off the tower into a pool of water, prompting squeals of delight from the crowd.

"I've only seen them in the mud or eating. That's a new thing. It was so cute," said Jodie Rigby, 13, after the races.

Cheered on by a crowd of around 300, other teams of piglets shoot out of cages at the crack of a starting pistol, tearing around a 35-metre (115-foot) track with numbers on their back so would-be punters can identify their winning beast.

"These pigs were picked out of a batch of 40 and then after that you take your chances on them," said showman Tom Vandeleur, who tours Australia with his talented squad.

"Most pigs will race, but it all depends on the training methods and whether you can really control these animals. It's a whole ball game and it's very intense," he said.

When they are not performing, the pampered pigs live in luxury sties with air-conditioned sleeping quarters.

************

"BUY" YOUR FAVORITE "BODY PART" OF ACTOR/ACTRESS!
Fans of actors, singers and athletes will soon have the chance to buy castings of the stars' favourite body parts. Atomic Kitten's Jenny Frost opted for her bottom (shown here). Actor Jude Law chose his stomach - buyers can place their bid online at www.tiscali.co.uk/auction with proceeds going to Breast Cancer Care.