Subject: Daily Dose - 040509 - NEWS FLASH 2035 A.D., BIZARRE NEWS, customs
official, DDL, Rotten News
NEWS FLASH 2035 A.D.
News flash just in for the year
2035.
Ozone created by electric cars now
killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to
have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens
northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally...
Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate
heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim
dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran,
Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists
estimate it will take at least ten more years before ! radioact ivity decreases
to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after
being overtaken by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112;
Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for
President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first
class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is
the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to
250 lbs.
Massachusetts executes last
remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of
criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now
nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all
nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be
registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit
of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know
how to use a voting machine
_____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre April Fool's Day Hoaxes
In 1981 the Manchester Guardian convinced readers that scientists at Britain's
research labs in Pershore had "developed a machine to control the
weather." The article said that "Britain will gain the immediate
benefit of long summers, with rainfall only at night, and the Continent will
have whatever Pershore decides to send it." Readers were also assured that
the scientists would ensure that it snowed every Christmas in Britain.
In 2000 the British Daily Mail
reported that Esporta Health Clubs had designed a new line of socks to help
people lose weight. Named "FatSox," these socks could actually suck
body fat out of sweating feet and promised to "banish fat forever."
As a person's body heat rose and their blood vessels dilated, the socks would
draw "excess lipid from the body through the sweat." After having
sweated out the fat, the wearer could then simply remove the socks and wash
them, and the fat, away.
A huge party was thrown at Jeff
Koon's New York Studio in 1998 to honor the memory of the late, great American
artist Nat Tate, the troubled abstract expressionist who ruined 99 percent of
his own work before jumping to his death from the Staten Island ferry. At the
party David Bowie read selections from William Boyd's soon-to-be released
biography of Tate, "Nat Tate: An American Artist, 1928-1960." Critics
in the audience murmured comments about Tate's work as they enjoyed their
drinks. The only problem was that Tate never really existed - he was the
satirical creation of William Boyd. Bowie, Boyd, and Boyd's publisher were the
only ones in on the joke.
In March 1860 many people throughout
London received the following invitation: "Tower of London Admit Bearer
and Friend to view annual ceremony of Washing the White Lions on Sunday, April
1, 1860. Admittance only at White Gate. It is particularly requested that no
gratuities be given to wardens or attendants." By noon on April 1 a large
crowd had reportedly gathered outside the tower. But of course, lions hadn't
been kept in the tower for centuries, particularly not white lions. The crowd
gradually snuck away disappointed.
***
Surgery Was A Bust
A central Chinese woman got more
than she bargained for when she had breast enhancement surgery - two extra
breasts.
The pair began growing on the 24-year-old
woman's stomach a year after she underwent surgery at a clinic in Hunan
province. They continued growing until she was forced to have another operation
to remove them, according to the Hong Kong edition of the China Daily
yesterday.
The first surgical procedure was
done at a small beauty salon which was not authorized to perform breast
enlargement surgery, the newspaper said.
Although cosmetic surgery has become
much more popular in China the past few years, there is not much official
regulation on the industry. After this incident, perhaps that will change...
***
Stripped of Their Dignity
By making just a simple phone call,
a con man has convinced managers of fast-food places in a number of states to
strip search both men and women, whether they be employees or customers. The
prankster has gotten away with this caper dozens of times in the past five
years.
The National Food Service Security
Council is coming out about the con to warn other managers not to fall for it.
The most recent incident occurred in
a suburb of Phoenix, where the caller, pretending to be a cop, instructed a
restaurant manager to strip search a female customer. Investigators believe the
hoax is being done by a single perpetrator, calling from pay phones in Northern
Florida.
The incidents are getting to be
pricy, as many of the victims are filing lawsuits.
***
Mourning Sickness
BELEN, N.M. - A New Mexico family
who had just completed a funeral mass for a loved one were shocked to discover
his cremation urn contained only sanitary wipes.
There was nothing sinister about the
missing remains, but rather a mix-up by a confused funeral home employee
created the mourning fiasco. The funeral for the late Edward Pacheco went ahead
Monday, although the family had not been informed Pacheco had not yet been
cremated, said Dicky Romero of Romero Funeral Homes in Belen.
Romero said the employee was told
the crematorium was waiting for the signed death certificate and cremation
authorization. Romero said when he asked his employee why he let the funeral
proceed to the cemetery, he responded he hadn't known what to do.
"This is a mockery," said
Helen Pacheco-Torres, Pacheco's sister. "As a Catholic family, we
performed a Mass for our loved one, but in reality, we blessed a package of
baby wipes."
***
Hardly Worth the Weight
Although the world of fat erotica, a
sexual subculture where FAs (fat admirers) look for huge women, can be a
welcome change to society's obsession with thinness, there is a dark side to it
all. Within the community of FAs, there are men referred to as
"feeders," who encourage their partners to gorge themselves so they
become as fat as humanely possible.
One such couple is Gina and Mark
from Arizona. Although Mark considers himself an "enabler," and not a
"feeder," his obsession was to create the world's fattest woman. He
began "growing" Gina and documenting the procedure in a series of
nude videos.
He achieved his goal - Gina topped
out at about 836 pounds - but almost killed her in the process.
Much to Mark's displeasure, she had
surgery and is now at a more comfortable 418 pounds.
______________________________
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I
decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we
went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United
States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to
report.
"Not really," Maureen
replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone
around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
_______________________________
DDL
In Heaven, the British are cops.
The German mechanics are tops.
The French are the cooks,
The Swedes have good looks,
And all public fountains have schnapps.
In Hell, it's not nearly as staid;
There are times you can actually get laid.
They use a big tube
And dispense with the lube
And care not if the gerbil's afraid.
In Hell, the prim British are cooks,
And the Zulus have all the good looks.
The lovers are Swiss;
The Italians hate this,
And you dance every night with Chinooks.
________________________________
"In eleven days I'm as good as
skewered! Ever take all your clothes off and run backwards through a
cornfield?"
--Harland Williams as Kenny in "Half-Baked".
***
"'If you can dream it,' I have
heard said, 'You can do it.' Maybe so, but that's really up to Tyra Banks and
Reece Witherspoon."
--Jim Rosenberg
***
"If trees could scream, would
we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the
time, for no good reason."
--Jack Handey
________________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Monday, 12 April, 2004, 12:07 GMT
13:07 UK
Easter rocket war hits Greek isle
Every Easter Sunday on the small
Greek island of Chios a fireworks war breaks out between two rival parishes. In
a bizarre but long-cherished local tradition, two Orthodox churches in the town
of Vrodandos fire rockets at each other's churches - while mass is held.
The objective is to hit the other
church's bell, but many rockets go astray, causing locals to rush frantically
for cover.
And some say they are sick of having
to repair their damaged homes.
So-called "gangs" from the
two rival parishes - Saint Mark and Panagia Erithiani - spend months preparing
more than 25,000 rockets, Reuters news agency reported.
About 150 people are involved in
their production, using bronze tools to prevent sparks igniting the volatile
gunpowder mixture.
"A good rocket has to fly fast,
go far and stay lit until the end," explains rocket maker Vassilis
Barkoulis.
"You have to be careful in the
details and process of its construction for a rocket to be good. If you do that
carefully, you can have yourself a good rocket."
The work is carried out in derelict
buildings with the doors left open - should an extremely speedy exit be
required following an explosion.
Several days before the event,
residents carefully board up both churches' windows and doors and wrap wire
sheeting around the buildings to protect worshippers.
On Easter Sunday evening, as mass is
said in both churches, the rival parish "gangs" set to work, lighting
fireworks and aiming them haphazardly at each other's church bells.
Amid the melee, priests in both
churches attempt to continue with mass, although the deafening sounds of
fireworks and cheers as the rockets hit their targets often drown out the proceedings
entirely.
Locals are not sure of the
tradition's origins, although it is possibly linked to stories of the island's
sailors, who used to battle pirates with cannons installed on their ships and
began a custom of firing them at Easter.
In the late 19th Century, when
Ottoman occupiers confiscated the cannons over fears they would be used in an
uprising, locals resorted to firing rockets instead.
Residents also admit it is not the
most safety conscious of ceremonies, with several fires in recent years sparked
by rockets and even a few deaths.
"We live as hostages to this
tradition," one local lamented.
"We can't breathe when it takes
place, we have to be on standby in case a fire breaks out, because if you are
not careful you can even lose your house."
*********
Wednesday, April 7, 2004. 6:25pm
(AEST)
Piranha let loose in Berlin petting
pool
Berlin aquarium staff were startled
to find a carnivorous piranha was recently released in the facility's petting
pool for children, German newspaper Bild reported on Wednesday.
The piranha, whose teeth can grow up
to two centimetres long, had already begun taking bites out of other fish when
it was found and transferred to another aquarium, curator Rainer Kaiser told
the newspaper.
He said the fish was so fast that
staff had to empty the pool to catch it.
Mr Kaiser was puzzled about how the
fish came to be there but said tortoises and other exotic marine life had been
found in the past left "by people wanting to get rid of them but who
didn't dare flush them down the toilet".
The razor-toothed piranha can grow
to up to 60 centimetres long and normally lives in the rivers and lakes of
South America. It can be freely bought in specialist pet shops in Germany.
--AFP
**********
Apologetic Arkansas Peeping Tom
Leaves Cash, Note
Fri Apr 9, 1:34 PM ET
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (Reuters) - An
apologetic Peeping Tom in northern Arkansas left a $20 bill and a note for his
victim asking if she would not mind if he peered at her outside her window,
police said on Friday.
The note and the cash were found on
Monday night at an apartment complex in Mountain Home, Arkansas. Police said
the writer of the letter apologized for looking into the window. They said the
letter appeared to have been written on a personal computer.
Police would not release the note
because the case is under investigation.
"It's kind of an odd
case," said Mountain Home police Sgt. Nevin Barnes.
***********
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