Subject: Daily Dose - 040505 - MAGIC SNAKE, BIZARRE NEWS, Motel Six
Rejected Slogans, DDL, Rotten News
MAGIC SNAKE
This guy is going around a desert on
a horse. He is about to step over a snake when it suddenly said, "Stop!
Don't kill me, I'm a magic snake, I'll grant you three wishes."
So he said, "Okay, my first
wish is I want to look really good, like Ben Afleck. My second wish is I want
to be really strong like Arnold Schwarzenegger. And my last wish is I want to
be hung like this horse."
Then the snake said: "Your
wishes are granted."
Then he ran over to the nearest
mirror and looked at himself...he said "Yes! I look like Ben Afleck.
Awesome, I am strong like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
Then he pulled off his robe for the
moment of truth......"Oh FUCK! That horse was a female!"
__________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
Caught in the Act
BANGKOK - The cashier at a Bangkok
gas station was happy to serve the customer, but was not amused when the latter
produced his own credit card to pay for the items.
The customer, a German, had
purchased about $80 worth of beer and cigarettes, the Bangkok Post reported
Monday. Then the customer gave the credit card that apparently had been
stolen and belonged to the cashier.
"When I looked at the credit
card I saw it was my name," the 33-year-old cashier said. He quickly
locked the man inside the shop and called police. The cashier said he recently
ordered a credit card but it never arrived in the mail.
"It is not a common name, so
there was no chance of coincidence," a police spokeswoman said. But
police did not explain how and when the customer stole the credit card.
***
A Bloody Good Read
LONDON - A British author has
written a new book that is certainly not for those with weak stomachs. Geoffrey
Abbott's book, "The Executioner Always Chop Twice," offers a blow by
blow account of executions gone wrong.
Abbott got the inspiration for his
novel from his many years of service as a Yeoman Warder at the Tower of London.
One story recounts the hanging of John Bartendale in 1634. His body was buried
near the scaffold, but when a passer-by saw the dirt moving above Bartendale's
grave, the stranger discovered the "living corpse."
Then there was the tale of James
Scott, Duke of Monmouth, who was to have his head chopped off in 1685. Even
after Scott tipped the executioner six guineas to do the job right, it still
took him three or four whacks to cut off Scott's head with a knife.
***
Heating Things Up in the Kitchen
SAN ANTONIO - What is it with people
getting shot by guns stashed in their ovens?
Just recently, a couple in Wisconsin
had to duck behind their refrigerator when bullets began exploding in their
oven. Now, a woman in Texas was heating fish sticks when she was shot in the
leg by a gun that had been stashed in her oven.
Roxanne Perez, 29, was taken to the
hospital and listed in good condition. Without her knowledge, one of her
friends had stored the gun for safekeeping in the bottom drawer of her oven
about two weeks ago, then "completely forgot about it," the San
Antonio Express News said Tuesday.
The bullet apparently discharged
when the oven temperature hit 300 degrees. Police said no charges were filed
since the shooting was accidental.
____________________________
Motel Six Rejected Slogans
10) Because you deserve better than
the back seat of some car.
9) As seen on COPS
8) If we'd known you were staying all night we would have changed the sheets.
7) Not just for nooners anymore
6) We left off the 9, but you know its there
5) We'll leave the Lysol for ya
4) We don't make the adultry, we make the adultry better
3) Its Hookeriffic
2) Cheap and easy...just like your mother
1) We put the Ho in Hotel
____________________________
DDL
A Wyoming rancher would creep
Out at night to inseminate sheep.
He had to feel fleece
Before he could release,
Now his wife wears wool panties to sleep.
_____________________________
A van carrying a dozen movie
stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on
the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment,
turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries.
***
"What kind of job do you
do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.
"I'm a naval surgeon," he
replied.
"Goodness!" said the lady,
"How you doctors specialize these days."
______________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Fri, Apr 16, 2004
Last elves fired from Santa's HQ
HELSINKI (Reuters) - The last three
worker elves at Father Christmas's official headquarters in Finland's Arctic
have been fired as Santa Park grapples with its finances.
"It is really unfortunate that
we had to fire them, but there is just no work," said Wille Rajala, the
park's fourth director since it opened in 1998. "The person who has been
called the head elf... still works for Santa Park."
Lack of visitors has meant that the
number of Santa's little helpers is now down to two, a far cry from plans to
employ 120 staff on a monthly wage when the park opened.
Some 800 km (500 miles) north of
Helsinki, this is where letters addressed just "To Santa" arrive. The
elves were supposed to help Santa and guide visitors around the park.
"During these five years (Santa
Park) has been able to employ a fraction of the 120 staff for a maximum of
three months (a year), usually for about eight weeks," Rajala said, adding
the sacked elves had been on temporary leave since last August.
Santa Park made its first operating
profit last year, but the company's bottom line remained in the red as it still
has annual costs of some 400,000 euros (267,280 pounds) related to the initial construction
of the park to pay for the next 15 years.
"It is unfortunate that the
illusion that was once created has been shattered, but now it's time to look
reality in the eyes and (decide) whether we want Santa Park to rise... My
contract says: put things in order," Rajala said.
**********
Woman Charged After Toilet Paper
Claim
Thu Apr 15, 5:33 PM ET
WATERURY, Conn. - A 56-year-old
woman has been charged with making a false report about poisoned toilet paper.
State police said Carol L. Hall was
arrested Tuesday for allegedly calling Waterbury Superior Court to report that
the building's toilet paper had been contaminated with poison.
The cell phone call was made in
December and the call was taken seriously. Officials checked, but found no
poison toilet paper.
Hall was arraigned Wednesday and
charged with falsely reporting an incident.
State police did not say how they
identified her or why she allegedly made the call.
***********
Thu, Apr 15, 2004
Wis. Officer Takes Doughnut-Eating Prize
ROLLING MEADOWS, Ill. - A patrolman
from Wisconsin left his opponents in a cloud of powdered sugar dust by downing
9 1/2 doughnuts in three minutes to win a doughnut-eating contest for police
officers in suburban Chicago.
Terry O'Brien of the Town of Geneva
Police Department in Lake Geneva, Wis., said he was destined to win Wednesday's
contest because law enforcement runs in his family.
"Actually, it was my father,
who's deceased," O'Brien said. "He was a Chicago cop, a lifer. Today
is his birthday."
For the second year in a row, the
International Law Enforcement Educators and Trainers Association held the
contest at its annual conference. The Dunkin' Donuts World Cop Donut Eating
Championship attracted 40 contestants from the U.S. and Canada.
Master of Ceremonies Ed Nowicki said
he was amazed by what it took to win this year.
"I thought they'd do seven
(doughnuts), maybe they'd do eight," Nowicki said. "I couldn't
believe 10!"
Money raised through the entry fee
and T-shirt sales was donated to the Law Enforcement Memorial Fund and the
International Law Enforcement Educators and Trainers Association scholarship
fund.
**********
SEX AID STEALS SHOW AT WOMAN'S
CONVENTION
A
mother-of-three has stolen the show at the British Female Inventor of the Year
Awards, with a gadget that provides satisfaction for women with sexual
difficulties.
The clitoral stimulator designed by Liz Paul from Ilkley, Yorkshire, offers
hope to the estimated five million women in Britain who have trouble reaching
orgasm.
The device, called Vielle, is a small plastic stimulator with eight nodules
which fits over the finger.
Speaking at the award ceremony in Cafi Royal central London, Mrs Paul said
clinical tests had proved the device could halve the time it takes for a woman
to climax and intensify the orgasm.
Mrs Paul, 49, said: "Through research I discovered it was often a lack of
understanding of the anatomy which caused problems climaxing.
"Women are not told how to have an orgasm and it needs explaining to
them.I wanted to break through this barrier and help women with their sexual
needs. I hope my invention will help all those women who have sexual problems."
The disposable device, which comes in a pack of three costing £9.95 has already
proved a big hit on the internet with 1,000 packs sold since it went on sale 24
hours ago.
Vielle is likely to be available for consumers to buy on the high street as
soon as August and will be on sale next to the condoms. Mrs Paul hopes to sell
300,000 devices by the end of the year.
The actual winner of the British Female Inventor of the Year Awards was Trish
Fearn with a lightweight ergonomic fork for mucking out stables.
Mrs Fearn, from Wetherby, West Yorkshire, spent 12 years developing the
Lite-Lift Shaving Fork after she was told she could no longer look after her
200 rescued horses due to chronic tendonitis caused by heavy stable work.
