Subject: Daily Dose - 040502 - More GRoaners

oh boy. More groaners....

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A couple of years ago I dug a small pond in the back yard. Right now a 7" goldfish and two 4" goldfish are in residence.

Saturday I saw a small turtle jump in. I asked Joe if the turtle would try to eat the fish or if the fish might try to eat the turtle but he didn't know.

I figure I'll have to "relocate" one or the other. You know, put them in a wetness protection program.

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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.

"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide," one woman admitted.

"Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman."

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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, “What is wrong with me?

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

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Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?

The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

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When Dan was appointed to the Superior Court it was generally believed that he would be a strict law and order judge, one willing to use the three strikes law to keep repeat offenders off the street. But it didn't work out that way, Judge D. finding any means possible to give a convicted felon the minimum prison time possible.

When the time came for re-election, the judge found himself in a heated battle with a former prosecutor. In a debate before much of the local citizenry, he was asked by his challenger, "How can you justify your
unwillingness to use the three strikes law."

Judge Dan answered immediately, "I refuse to pronounce a long sentence because it is beyond my jury's diction."

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Dear Sir:

I need to advise you of a nefarious plot by one of our greatest news agencies. I discovered that they tried
to clone Walter Cronkite, but after creating the embryo and implanting it into the host mother, they discovered, that they were going to be producing twins.

I therefore shall go and drink to absolve myself of my awareness of this heinous act of replication, thereby making of my evening, a binge over doubled Walters.

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We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America.

While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India.

Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.

His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

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Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.  After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here.  The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"

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A friend of mine is something of a painter...so I asked him if he could paint a melting clock in a surreal landscape. The time on the clock had to be 4:51.

He was suspicious, of course, and asked me what I wanted to call it? I told him and, as I'd hoped, he repeated it back...not sure he'd heard me right...  

"Nine to Five by Dahli, pardon?"

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A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught.

"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor.

One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."

Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"

Replied the botanist, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"