Subject: Daily Dose - 040427 - perpetual bachelor, Hey Martha, Dictionary
for Women's Personal Ads, DDL, Rotten News
My cousin, a perpetual bachelor,
owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture
store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to visit a
manufacturer and check out the merchandise himself. And maybe he could meet an
available young Italian women.
As he was checking into a hotel he
struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian
and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he
took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled,
nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture
of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they
went
to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers
and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced
and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the
pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded. To this day he
says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the
furniture business.
___________________________
Hey Martha... (Weird News)
Tue, Mar 30, 2004
AOL Connection Leads to $2,500 Phone Bill
DENVER - When Mark Walters received
a $2,500 bill in the mail for Qwest long distance, he figured it had to be a
mistake. It turned out to be his daughter's boo-boo.
After Elissa Walters, 18, came home
to Springfield, N.J., for Christmas break and turned on a new laptop, she
called an America Online number in the 973 area code — the Walters' home area.
Figuring it was a free call carried by their local carrier, Verizon
Communications, she left the computer on.
And on. And on.
"The bottom line is it's a toll
call," said Qwest spokesman Skip Thurman. The way to tell is if you have
to punch a "1" before the area code, Thurman said.
Mark Walters learned all of this
when his bill arrived six weeks ago.
He begged for a break, and at one
point, was told Denver-based Qwest might reduce the bill to $100. Walters said
even $500 would be fair — enough to teach Elissa a lesson without bankrupting
her.
Last week, another representative
named Bob said that wouldn't happen.
"He said he denied the request
for reduction because the calls emanated from our home," Walters said.
"I said, 'Bob, it took you guys six weeks to come up with that? I'm not
denying that. I'm not saying a stranger made the calls. It's a mistake.' He
said, 'Well, sir, that's your responsibility."'
**************
March 30, 2004
Couple who illegally cut hedge have
to sell home to pay legal bills
LONDON (AP) - When Paul Derwent and
his wife Janet cut down 25 feet (7.6 meters) of laurel hedge on the boundary of
their property in May 2000, they set off a legal dispute that now looks likely
to cost them their home.
The Derwents' neighbor, Robert Seeckts,
a lawyer, sued them for removing the hedge, which had formed a screen between
his home and theirs in the southern English village of Groombridge.
Three appeal judges on Thursday
threw out the Derwents' appeal against a county court ruling that the hedge
belonged to Seeckts and they had therefore acted illegally in removing it.
Lord Justice Carnwath described the
Derwents' action as "not only unneighbourly but wrong in law."
The Derwents said they will have to
sell their 600,000-pound (US$1.1 million) home, Linden House, to pay their
350,000-pound (US$630,000) legal bill.
But "at least we shall know the
true boundaries when we put it on the market," Derwent told reporters
after the hearing.
*************
March 23, 2004
Violinists in German orchestra sue
for more pay, saying they play more notes
BERLIN (AP) - Violinists in a German
orchestra are suing for a pay raise on the grounds that they play many more
notes per concert than their colleagues do, litigation that the orchestra's
director on Tuesday called "absurd."
The 16 violinists at the Beethoven
Orchestra in Bonn argue that they work more than their fellow musicians who
play instruments like the flute, oboe and trombone, and also say a collective
bargaining agreement that gives bonuses to soloists is unjust.
But Bonn orchestra director
Laurentius Bonitz said it was unreasonable to compare playing a musical
instrument with other jobs.
"The suit is ridiculous,"
Bonitz said. "It's absurd."
He also argued that soloists and
musicians in other leading roles, like the orchestra's two oboe players, should
make more money.
"Maybe it's an interesting
legal question but musically, it's very clear to everyone," Bonitz said.
The case is scheduled in a labour
court during May.
___________________________
Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads
Adventurous............Slept with
all your mates
40-ish.................49
Athletic...............No boobs
Average looking........Face like an arse
Beautiful..............Pathological liar
Contagious smile.......Does a lot of pills
Educated...............Was screwed to bits at university
Emotionally secure.....On medication
Feminist...............Fat
Free spirit............Junkie
Fun....................Annoying
Gentle................Dull
Good listener..........Autistic
New age................Body hair problems
Old fashioned..........No BJs
Open minded............Desperate
Outgoing...............Loud and very embarrassing
Passionate.............Sloppy drunk
Poet...................Depressive
Professional............B1tch
Romantic...............Frigid
Voluptuous.............Very fat
Large lady.............Immensely fat
Wants soul mate........Stalker
Widow..................Murderer.
___________________________
DDL
In the oceans, Puerto Rico's a cork.
Its national bird is the stork.
There the natives deploy
To share natural joy,
And then send the results to New York.
____________________________
The chef at a family-run restaurant
had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability
claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason
unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
***
"Mattel is releasing a new
"Teacher" Barbie next week. Apparently, it's just like Malibu
Barbie--only she can't afford the Corvette."
-Stephanie Miller
***
"The baby is great. My wife and
I have just started potty training. Which I think is important, because when we
want to potty-train the baby we should set a good example."
--Howie Mandel
_____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Grandfather sues city of Montreal
over bar mitzvah gone terribly bad
CHARLIE FIDELMAN
The Gazette
Friday, March 05, 2004
They knew it wouldn't be the perfect bar mitzvah celebration when the piano
player collapsed with a heart attack.
They knew it when guests twice got
stuck in the elevator - as did a rescue firefighter - and the janitor arrived
with the key too late to be of any help.
But perhaps the first warning came
earlier in the day, when the janitor absconded with all the party ice and
belligerently offered to sell it back.
"If it wasn't so tragic it
would be a comedy," said Pierrefonds pediatrician Peter Neumann, who is
suing the city of Montreal for $70,000 for ruining his grandson Alexander's
party at the Pierrefonds Cultural Centre in August.
When Neumann invited 350 guests,
hired musicians and two caterers - Chinese and Italian - he was hoping to
create a memorable event, but not as a farce.
The dancing had just started when a
janitor, whom Neumann described as "drunk as a skunk," suddenly
decided the party was over at 10:30 p.m. even though the hall was rented until
2 a.m.
"We couldn't serve the
food," Neumann recalled. "It was a disaster from beginning to
end."
The janitor was allegedly
disciplined on five separate occasions before last August's party, the suit
filed in Quebec Court this week claims.
The janitor has since been fired.
Neumann and his family had been
setting up for the party since 9 a.m., leaving an ice machine full of cubes
when the janitor came on duty at noon.
When they returned three hours
later, the ice machine was empty and the janitor had consumed seven drinks. The
bartender said the janitor was mistaken for a guest.
The missing ice was located in a
padlocked freezer. But the janitor refused to hand it over, offering to sell it
instead.
Neumann sent his son, Dr. Jeffrey
Neumann, to round up 20 bags of ice at local dépanneurs.
At 7:30 p.m., with washrooms empty
of toilet paper and towels (and the janitor nowhere to be seen), the host sent
one of his guests to get toilet paper from his house nearby.
The janitor was spotted at the bar
drinking bloody Caesars at 9 p.m. but disappeared from view when confronted
about drinking. That's when the elevators malfunctioned, trapping several
guests, including a handicapped man, between floors.
A guest called the fire department,
which forced open the doors. Later, a firefighter got stuck in the same
elevator.
"I had a paraplegic stuck in an
elevator with panic attacks, and when it's all over, the drunk appears with
keys to open the elevator doors," Neumann said.
Just after 10 p.m., the janitor
informed the bartender and the caterers anyone caught in the building after
midnight would be locked in "because he was the boss, he had the keys and
he lived in Gatineau," Neumann stated.
That's when the piano player
collapsed with chest pain. His heart had stopped beating.
The janitor seemed confused about
where to find a first aid kit or a phone. Panicked guests called for an
ambulance, but no one, including the janitor, remembered the civic address of
the centre.
Someone ran outside to read the
numbers on the door.
Meanwhile, Neumann père et fils
resuscitated the musician. One pumped his chest, the other gave him mouth to
mouth. He was alive but unconscious when the ambulance arrived.
By then the party was a shambles.
The caterers and the other musicians had left.
But even as a dozen guests helped
clear tables, the janitor refused to provide trolleys or to open storage space
for dishes - while continuing his threats about vacating the building by
midnight, or else.
Neumann said he'd have settled for
an apology and some compensation for the cost of the $30,000 party gone bad.
But after the borough of
Pierrefonds/Senneville sent an insurance adjuster to take a report, Neumann
said officials simply ignored the matter.
"I sued because I had no other
choice," he said. "I've been waiting for an answer for six
months."
The janitor couldn't be reached for
comment yesterday.
***********
Fri, Mar 05, 2004
Court says no to state-funded brothel trips
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German court
has rejected a legal bid by an unemployed man who wanted the state to provide
him with free pornography and trips to brothels because his wife is in
Thailand.
The court in the southern town of
Ansbach ruled on Friday that social services did not extend to satisfying the
43-year-old's sexual needs after he attempted to sue his local welfare office
because it had refused to finance his appetite for prostitutes and porn.
"He wanted them to pay for four
trips to the brothel a month, eight porn films a month, plus condoms,"
said court spokesman Peter Burgdorf. "He also wanted some sort of
appliance for self-gratification to use when watching porn."
The man had earlier asked the
Foreign Ministry to fly his wife back from her native Thailand, to which she
had returned in 2002, saying that he could not afford the ticket.
"He said he needed the services
to keep himself fit and healthy because his wife wasn't available," said
Burgdorf. "Now he's planning to contest the decision in the court of
appeal."
***********
Wed, Mar 03, 2004
Saudi Arabia Withdraws One Million School Books
RIYADH (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia's
Education Ministry has recalled one million notebooks from schools around the
kingdom because they contain mistakes including references to the "Persian
Gulf," al-Watan newspaper said Wednesday.
Arab states call it the
"Arabian Gulf."
A map in the notebooks also
inaccurately represented Saudi Arabia's southern border with Yemen, a source of
decades of dispute between the two countries which signed a border treaty in
2000, the paper said.
It said a senior ministry official
had told the agency which produced the books to halt distribution, withdraw
those already handed out and explain how it would rectify the errors.
