Subject: Daily Dose - 040425 - HORRIBLE ACCIDENT, Hey Martha, improving safety, DDL, Rotten News

HORRIBLE ACCIDENT

I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!"

He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I levelheadedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her fucking mouth!"

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Hey Martha... (Weird News)

February 23, 2004 

Australian bank robbers consider more heists to pay compensation bills

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - Convicted bank robbers in Australia who have been ordered to pay compensation to their victims can think of a way to settle the bill: pull off another heist.

In a current affairs show airing Monday night, convicted bank robber Anthony Stevens said imprisoned robbers discussed further raids to fund compensation payments ordered by courts in New South Wales state.

"Some people want to project the appearance of going straight, and in order to do that they're going to have to get rid of this bill. And in order to do that, it is going to be another bank, isn't it?" Stevens told the respected Australian Broadcasting Corp. show Four Corners.

"You know, another bank - covered up - no one knows who it was. Bang, paid the bill and give the appearance of going straight."

Stevens' comments were made in a story about bank robberies and banks' attitudes to security for staff.

But New South Wales Victim Services director John Le Breton rejected Stevens claims, saying convicts were only ordered to pay what they could afford.

Under New South Wales law, victims of crime, such as bank robberies, can apply for financial compensation.

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Wed, February 18, 2004

Goalie's lost voice ruled a work-related injury

STOCKHOLM (AP) - A Swedish goalkeeper who claims he lost his voice by yelling at other players is entitled to welfare benefits for a work-related injury, a court ruled.

A county administrative court in southern Sweden said Anders Bogsjo should receive compensation for income he forfeited when he lost his spot playing for Elfsborg's in 2001.

Bogsjo said the team dropped him after seven years because his voice had become hoarse, which made it difficult for him to direct his teammates.

"I couldn't compete on the same conditions," he said. "You couldn't hear me when I yelled. As a goalkeeper the voice is an unbelievably important instrument to be able to direct and communicate with the other players."

Elfsborg said Bogsjo's contract wasn't renewed because he wasn't good enough and that the decision was not based on his injury.

The 37-year-old goalkeeper said his hoarseness was a work-related injury and went to court when the regional welfare office reject his claim for benefits.

The county court ruled in his favour, but the welfare office appealed the decision.

Bogsjo won't receive any benefits until the appeals court rules in the case.

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Thu, February 5, 2004

A mighty wind disturbs English snooker star at London tournament

LONDON (CP) - He's known as the whirlwind but Jimmy White is irate at another form of wind.

The English snooker star was upset at fan antics during and after a 6-4 win over Scotland's Stephen Hendry before 1,700 at The Masters tournament. According to the tabloid Sun, one fan broke wind loudly, others coughed deliberately and a woman chattered throughout the two-hour epic in an effort to distract Hendry.

"I get great support here but it is embarrassing," White told the tabloid. "Stephen is leaning over, trying to take a shot, and someone starts coughing and spluttering their guts out.

"I don't know how one woman stayed in beyond the first frame. She just kept talking the whole way through. There should be a couple of ushers to sort them out."

White was not the only one stunned by the bout of flatulence.

The Sun quoted one spectator as saying: "It was shocking. Everyone heard it. Immediately afterwards a female voice, which must have belonged to his wife, hissed 'Shut it.'

"There were ripples of laughter all round the auditorium."

World Snooker, the game's governing body, issued a statement.

"This incident will be considered as part of a wider review. One spectator caused unacceptable disturbance and was warned she would be required to leave if this was repeated.

"She caused another disturbance at the end of the ninth frame and staff agreed she should be ejected."

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Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that improve safety, quality or performance. A co-worker noticed there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery. He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.

The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day, accidentally turning the power switch on."

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DDL

There was a young fellow named Cratchet,
Who cut off his prick with a hatchet.
He packed it in beer,
Then sent it to Sears,
And ordered a snatch that would match it.

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Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on  strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the  Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"  

***  

My friend Mary, a waitress in an elegant restaurant, had to stifle a laugh when she overheard one diner greeting an old friend. "Oh, Ruth, it's so wonderful to see you!" the woman gushed. "Lately we've been like wind passing in the night."  

***  

"A Pennsylvania woman convicted of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'. However, her laywers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing".
--Jimmy Fallon

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Rotten News...  (true)

Cashier catches thief with his stolen card  
Mon Mar 29, 5:47 AM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man has been arrested for credit card theft after trying to buy 76 euros (51 pounds) worth of beer and cigarettes at a gas station with a stolen card that belonged to the cashier.

"When I looked at the credit card I saw it was my name," the 33-year-old named Heiko told Berlin's B.Z. newspaper. He locked the man inside the shop and called the police. He said he had recently ordered a credit card but it never arrived in the post.

"It was not a common name, so there was no chance of coincidence," a Berlin police spokeswoman said on Monday.

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Fri, Mar 26, 2004
Handbag Recovery Costs Woman Her License  

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman's joy at the recovery of her missing handbag quickly turned to sorrow after she sped drunk to the police station to fetch it and had her driver's license confiscated, authorities said Thursday.

"She was so happy to hear about the bag she jumped straight into the car and came down to get it," said a spokesman for police in the western town of Mettmann. "The thing is, we saw her coming. She'd had a lot to drink."

The 38-year-old parked in front of the police station but failed to hide the fact she was inebriated from officers.

"The first thing she got out of the bag was her license, which we took, along with her car keys," said the spokesman. "She was speechless."

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Wed, Mar 24, 2004
Palestinians flock to lamb with Allah's name  

HEBRON, West Bank (Reuters) - Hundreds of Palestinians have gathered to see a lamb born with what looks like "Allah" spelled out in Arabic on its coat.

Onlookers in the West Bank town of Hebron said the real significance was the fact the animal was born on Monday -- the day Israel killed Hamas leader Ahmed Yassin.

"This is clear evidence of God's existence," the lamb's owner Yahya Atrash told Reuters Television. "It was born with the words 'Allah' on one side and 'Mohammed' on the other."

Palestinians said the Arabic letters of the name of God could be made out on the lamb's left flank, but it was harder to see the name of the prophet Mohammed.