Subject: Daily Dose - 040424 - BIN LADEN'S HIDEOUT, THIS is TRUE, helicopter, DDL, Rotten News

BIN LADEN'S HIDEOUT

Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden because he has found a place to hide out where:

(1) It is easy to get in if you have the money;

(2) no one will recognize or remember you;

(3) no one will realize that you have disappeared;

(4) no one keeps any records of your comings and goings; and

(5) you have no obligations or responsibilities.

Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place!

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THIS is TRUE...

EYEWITNESS: Now that a Chinese astronaut has orbited Earth, the Chinese government has announced that it will update sixth grade textbooks to remove the claim that the Great Wall can be seen from space. "The scenery was very beautiful," astronaut Yang Liwei said after 21 hours in orbit, "but I didn't see the Great Wall." When he heard the story, U.S. astronaut Gene Cernan said he had seen the Great Wall from orbit. (AFP)
...Maybe Yang just didn't know where to look.

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PROPELLER HEAD: When Louis Paul Kadlecek turned 21, he went on a bender, drinking for four days straight. He was familiar with the Brazoria County (Texas) Airport, since that's where he performed community service after "one of his previous arrests". Kadlecek, who has never flown a plane before, stole one from a hangar and, following instructions in a pilot's manual, took off. Within a mile he hit 100,000-volt power lines and crashed, but managed to walk home unharmed. "If stunt pilots tried 1,000 times to do the same thing, they would have been killed 999 times," says the airport's director. Kadlecek blamed poor airport security for his actions. "If there had even been a tall chain link fence with barbed wire on top of it, I would have just turned around and went on home," he claims. He faces up to 20 years in prison. (Houston Chronicle)
...Where they will definitely have a tall chain link fence with barbed wire on top of it.

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ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE: New Mexico State Rep. Joe Thompson, 37, the House Minority Whip, was on his way from a special ceremony: the signing of a bill increasing penalties for multi-time drunk drivers. Before he got home, he was stopped and arrested -- for drunk driving. Police say his blood alcohol level was .12 percent, well above the .08 percent legal limit. Thompson, who admits to being "terribly embarrassed", says he'll get treatment "if advised to do so."  (Albuquerque Tribune, AP)
...Dear Rep. Thompson: I advise you to get treatment immediately.

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HIGHLY QUALIFIED TEACHER: "At first I thought it was just some outrageous prank," says Baker Elementary School Principal Tom Cavanagh. He was called at home by custodians who had found a dead raccoon in the faculty lounge freezer. But the Brookline, Mass., principal determined the science teacher had found the dead animal on the road, and brought it to school for students to dissect. Bad idea: "In Massachusetts, all raccoons are assumed to carry rabies unless lab tests prove otherwise," said the director of the local health department. Cavanagh blamed himself. "It's one of those things that we didn't have a policy about," he said. (Brookline Tab)
...The new policy's title: "Reading, Writing and Road Kill".

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SO QUIT COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR JOB: "Poop Scooper Finds Job Fun, Refreshing"
-- AP headline

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While ferrying workers back and forth  from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went  down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one  man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open  the exit door.  

"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!"  

As the man leapt from the  helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"

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DDL

A flatulent fellow named Cooper
Is known as a blue-ribbon pooper.
Them as knows, says it means
He's a glutton for beans -
Well, he sure bangs 'em out like a trooper.

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"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
--Tim Allen  

***  

"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore."
--James McSheehy, member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting on a construction project he opposed.

***  

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
--Rich Cook

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Rotten News....  (true)

Wed, Mar 24, 2004
Lederhosen Subsidies Axed as Germany Tightens Belt  

BERLIN (Reuters) - Germany can no longer afford state aid to help its yodellers buy Lederhosen, the Bavarian government said Tuesday in a sign of how drastically public finances have deteriorated in Europe's largest economy.

"We no longer want to sponsor the Lederhosen with subsidies," Bavarian Premier Edmund Stoiber said, ignoring outcries from traditional folk groups, some of whom have threatened to boycott the opening parade of the Munich Oktoberfest, the world's biggest beer festival.

The Alpine state had previously provided the 300,000 members of its folklore groups with half a million euros in state funds to help buy traditional Bavarian attire such as the leather shorts -- amounting, one newspaper said, to a subsidy of 13 percent per garment.

But even Bavaria, one of Germany's richest states, is under pressure to curb government spending after years of slow economic growth.

A good pair of goat suede leather Lederhosen will set you back 149.90 euros ($185).

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Wed, Mar 24, 2004
Actress Gaffe Highlights Pension Problems  

By Jonathan Standing

TOKYO (Reuters) - Japan's government thought it was on to a winner when it hired a popular actress with a tough image to help it persuade reluctant citizens to pay their contributions to the struggling state pension scheme.

Then it found out she hadn't been paying them either.

The case of Makiko Esumi, who starred in the 380 million yen ($3.6 million) poster and television campaign, has embarrassed the government and highlighted the delicate state of a pension system creaking under declining income and rising payouts.

"We're very disappointed," a spokesman for the Social Insurance Agency said Wednesday, adding that the agency was considering its next move, which could include legal action.

The main opposition Democratic Party demanded that Esumi appear in parliament to explain herself.

Esumi's job was to help the government persuade more people to pay into the state's basic pension scheme for citizens aged 20 to 59.

Individuals' contributions to the scheme are some 37 percent short of where they should be, reflecting a growing belief among young people that they are unlikely to get much out of the system so there is little reason to pay in. The position is further complicated by the rising numbers of young Japanese opting for a life of casual job-hopping.

Though officially mandatory, it is up to individuals to make the payments unless they are employed by a company, in which case premiums are deducted by employers. The growing number of opt-outs is a serious problem for the government as increased longevity pushes up the amount of money it needs to meet pension payments while a falling birthrate means there will be fewer people able to pay in.

In the commercials, the 37-year-old Esumi gives the camera one of her trademark hard stares, saying "pay now or cry later."

Her management company issued a statement late Tuesday apologizing for the trouble, and said Wednesday that the actress had since paid up.

But she may still cry later if the case ends up in court.

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Thu, Mar 25, 2004
Health Fears Raised Over Favorite Curry Dish  

LONDON (Reuters) - One of Britain's favorite foods could be slowly poisoning diners who love its distinctive red hue and spicy, creamy taste.

An investigation on Tuesday found 57 percent of Chicken Tikka Masala dishes tested in Surrey, southern England, had illegal and potentially harmful levels of chemicals used to give the curry its trademark color.

"A lot of people prefer bright red food and restaurants react to that," Yvonne Rees, Surrey's Assistant County Trading Standards Officer told Reuters.

"When people are offered curries they often pick the one with the brightest color."

Rees said the chemicals that give the dish its color are known to cause health problems like hyperactivity in children, allergies and asthma if consumed in excessive quantities.

"The reason why there are limits on how much additive a dish can have is for health reasons," she added.

Chicken Tikka Masala has iconic status in British popular culture vying with fish and chips in the nation's affections, but it bears little relation to a native Indian dish.

The subject of a musical, it has inspired a range of potato crisps and in 2001 was even praised by a British cabinet minister. Former Foreign Secretary Robin Cook said the dish epitomized Britons' ability to absorb and adapt external influences.