Subject: Daily Dose - 040420 - OLD HAROLD, BIZARRE NEWS, fishing scales, DDL, Rotten News

OLD HAROLD

Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.

Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle.

She looks at it and says, "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, let's run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled......

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Predictions

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
- English scientist William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, 1899  

"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
- Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936  

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"By 2000, the machines will be producing so much that everyone in the U.S. will, in effect, be independently wealthy.
- Time Magazine, 1966  

"An impractical sort of fad, and has no place in the serious job of postal transportation."
- Second Assistant U.S. Postmaster General Paul Henderson on airmail, 1922

"It's a bad joke that won't last. Not with winter coming."
- Fashion designer CoCo Chanel on miniskirts, 1966

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899  

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927  

"You ought to go back to driving a truck."
- Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything."
- Albert Einstein's teacher to his father, 1895

***  

Maybe They Understand Mumbling

LONDON - In a Yahoo! News Internet poll, rocker Ozzy Osbourne has been named Britain's favorite ambassador to welcome aliens to planet Earth.

The poll of 1,000 Internet users was made shortly after signs of water were discovered on Mars, the Daily Telegraph reported Sunday. The 55-year-old rocker, still recovering from serious injuries after an all-terrain vehicle mishap, was more popular for the job than Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair, U.S. President George Bush and even "Pop Idol" and "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell.

"Ozzy is a great choice, but I'm not sure what the Martians would make of his individual approach to the English language," a spokesman for Yahoo! News said.

"Perhaps he could resort to the medium of music if all else failed and they didn't understand him."

***

Residents All Shook Up

LONMAY, Scotland - New research has traced Elvis Presley's family roots to Lonmay, Scotland, a tiny town that now hopes its famous ties to the music legend will boost tourism.

Scottish author Allan Morrison found evidence in parish records that Presley's great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was married in Lonmay in Aberdeenshire in 1713, the Times of London reported Tuesday.

"I started looking into Elvis's past when I heard rumors of him coming from Scotland," said Morrison, who wrote "The Presley Prophecy." "I was able to trace his family tree and when it got to Lonmay, it was like striking gold."

The family tree also shows a son from that 1713 marriage, Andrew Presley, became a blacksmith and was the first Presley to leave Scotland for America.

***

Not What It's Cracked Up To Be

INDIANAPOLIS - Police are seeking the parents of a 4-year-old Indianapolis boy who brought crack cocaine to a Head Start class in his school backpack. The boy had about 370 doses of crack cocaine, which sells for about $20 a rock on the street, in a backpack, the Indianapolis Star reported.

The child was showing a plastic bag filled with the drugs to other pre-schoolers explaining that it was flour when teachers at the early-childhood education center became concerned and called police. No children ingested the cocaine and child welfare workers removed the boy and a sibling from the parents' custody.

The parents are 24 and 23 years old. The child's father has prior convictions for illegally carrying a firearm, resisting police, marijuana possession and failure to appear in court on a 2001 theft charge.

***

Her Pants Were Smokin'

NEW YORK - A red hot hair clip crammed into a New York subway heater grate apparently ignited a young girl's pants, but she only suffered slight burns.

New York City Transit spokesman Charles Seaton said a hair clip stuck in the radiator conducted heat and set the 13-year-old girl's pants ablaze on the Queen's line Monday afternoon. "The clip was glowing red when they found it," Seaton said.

The teenager was taken to Elmhurst Hospital Center, where she was treated for superficial burns to her right leg and released, a hospital administrator said. Seaton said the incident was a first for the New York subway system.

A token booth clerk told Newsday the girl was wearing some rather interesting pants. "She was wearing the strangest pants," the clerk said, describing the jeans as similar to cowboy chaps.

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A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.  

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.

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DDL

Said Lord Nelson to Hardy, "Please kiss me!"
And what Hardy did next is no mystery.
'Tis for this sweet caress,
Not for naval success,
That his name is remembered in history.

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"I guess I'm sensitive about my hair loss. I think everybody's making fun of it. I went to buy a VCR and the guy said, 'Four Head?' --I punched him in the mouth."
--Dan Wilson

***  

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.  

***  

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure that's why my boyfriend moved."
-Christy Murphy

__________________________________

Rotten news...  (true)

City Wants Bigger Bust for Mermaid  
Mon Mar 29,10:33 AM ET

WARSAW (Reuters) - The mermaid patron of a Polish coastal town faces plastic surgery after councilors decided her breasts were too small and hips too wide, a city official said Monday.

The mermaid's looks became a hot topic during talks in the city hall on a promotion campaign for Ustka, a small port on the Baltic coast, in which the town's mermaid shield was supposed to play a key role.

"There was a discussion about the coat of arms and one female councilor said jokingly that the mermaid's breasts were too small and that she was a bit fat," city hall spokesman told Reuters.

The joke became a serious idea when local and national media got wind of the debate, giving sleepy Ustka plenty of coverage.

"We are now considering altering the mermaid slightly by making her breasts bigger and making her leaner," the spokesman said. "She will become more attractive and Ustka will gain publicity."

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Cambodian cuts off penis to feed spirits  
Mon Mar 29, 3:01 AM ET 

PHNOM PENH (Reuters) - A Cambodian man cut off his penis when he said he was visited by four hungry spirits in a dream and he had no chicken or duck to offer them.

According to police, 33-year-old Soun Ney told the spirits to go away when they first appeared to ask for food, and waved his penis at them in defiance.

"Devils, I don't have any chicken or duck for you," he was quoted as saying by local police chief Phoeung Vat. "If you want to eat anything, you can eat my penis."

Soun Ney said the spirits agreed to eat his penis. He was rushed to a hospital near the capital Phnom Penh after he castrated himself with a butcher's knife.

"He is lucky to be alive," Phoeung Vat told Reuters.

Villagers in the deeply impoverished southeast Asian traditionally offer chicken, duck or cake to the spirits of the dead to ward off bad luck.

*********

Killer forgiven seconds from death  
Sun Mar 28, 8:04 PM ET 

RIYADH (Reuters) - A convicted Saudi murderer escaped death by seconds when he was forgiven by his victim's father as he knelt down before the executioner's sword, a Saudi newspaper has reported.

Okaz daily said 21-year-old Abdul-Karim al-Ghoraid, who killed a friend in a dispute five years ago, was moments away from being beheaded in a public square in Saudi Arabia's northern town of Tabuk on Friday.

"I knelt and lowered my head, praying to God that he would forgive me and grant that my head be cut with the first blow of the sword," Ghoraid told the newspaper's Sunday edition.

Suddenly the victim's father shouted out from the crowd: "I forgive you", the paper said, which meant Ghoraid could walk free. People started dancing and praising God, Okaz said.

Saudi Arabia, which implements strict Islamic sharia law, executes convicted murderers, rapists and drug traffickers -- usually in a public beheading by sword.

Under Islamic law, relatives of a murder victim can accept "blood money" instead of the execution of the offender. In December, a convicted killer in Saudi Arabia's southern tribal border region was spared execution in return for five million riyals.

But the newspaper said Ayad bin Mohammad al-Sabr waived his right to the compensation for his son's death.