Subject: Daily Dose - 040418 - Something for the pain, BIZARRE NEWS, fragrance department, DDL, Rotten News

Something for the pain

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Newspaper Misprints

'Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in contact with a high voltage wife.' (Surrey Paper).  

'For sale. Lovely rosewood piano. Owner going abroad with beautiful twisted legs.' (North Wales Advertiser).  

'PARKYNS - to the memory of Mr. Parkyns, passed away September 10. Peace at last. From all the neighbours of Princes Avenue.' (Leicester Mercury).

'Fire broke out on the prairie near the C.P.R. viaduct on Monday evening but the blaze was extinguished before damage could be done by the local fire brigade.' (Canadian paper).

'If the motion were passed, no strike action would be taken by NALGO without a ballet of all its members.' (Bristol Evening Post).

'Complete home for sale; two double, one single bed, dining-room threepiece suite, wireless, television, carpets, lion, etc.' (Portsmouth News).

'Wrap poison bottles in sandpaper and fasten with scotch tape or a rubber band. If there are children in the house, lock them in a small metal box.' (Philadelphia Record).

'At the fair they will be exhibiting a full range of shoes for girls with low-cut fancy uppers.' (Leicester Mercury).

'A heavy pall of lust covered the upper two-thirds of Texas last night and was expected to drift south-east over the state by morning.' (Yankton Press).

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The Way God Intended It To Be?

Next month Florida will be graced with the world's first Christian nudist colony. Complete with a hotel, 500 homes, a water-slide park and a non-denominational 'clothing optional' church, the colony, called Natura, will be a place for those Christians who wish to wear only what God gave them.

Co-founder Bill Martin, who's a Quaker, said, "Depending on the version of the Bible you use, there are as many as 40 passages that refer to nudity. In Isaiah 20.2, God tells Isaiah to go into the wilderness naked for three years. So there's historical basis for a Christian nudist lifestyle."

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Urine For A Surprise!

Men stopping at the john in the Virgin Airways Clubhouse in New York's John F. Kennedy airport, terminal 4, are in for a little surprise - urinals shaped like a woman's mouth, complete with bright red lipstick, wide open and ready for business.

"In anything that we do there has to be a smile, and that's the smile in this Clubhouse," said John Riordan, Vice President of Customer Services for Virgin Airways.

The Netherlands based company Bathroom Mania designed the urinals, which are appropriately called Kisses. "Kisses - the sexy urinal, makes a daily event a blushing experience! This is one target men will never miss!," said the Bathroom Mania team via e-mail from the Netherlands.

Bathroom Mania's other designs include the Good Morning Sunshine flower potty, and the Splish Splash bathtub shaped like a hammock.

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Passion Heats Things Up

A Georgia couple got into such a heated argument after seeing "The Passion of the Christ" that they ended up slugging each other and landing themselves in jail.

"It was the dumbest thing we've ever done," Melissa Davidson told the Statesboro (Ga.) Herald about the March 11 altercation with her husband of 10 years, Sean Davidson. Melissa, 34, and Sean, 33, were arguing over whether the "father" of the Holy Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost is human or spirit.

Each received light injuries, and was arrested on charges of simple battery. What really heated up the fight was that they began discuss each other's parents.

"During that argument, they started arguing about the mentality of each other's parents," Fred Cotton, Bulloch County sheriff's deputy, said in his report. "That is when ... they started fighting."

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The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet.

One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off."

"See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink."

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DDL

The limerick is neat and concise
Yet crammed with delectable spice
There's no need for pomposity
Or extraneous verbosity
When a four-letter word will suffice.

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A young man took a farm girl into town for a date at a fancy restaurant. While studying the menu she asked, "What's filet mignon?"

Thinking fast, her date replied, "It's pickled goat's liver. Why?"  

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"Does anyone know if 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day' is the same day as 'Lock Your Son Up in a Closet Day?' Cause it would really save me some time."
--Bob Van Voris

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Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

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Rotten News....  (true)

Handyman Nailed with His Own Nail Gun  
Mon Mar 8, 8:52 AM ET

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian handyman admitted he was stupid to shoot himself in the head with a nail gun in a misguided prank that left him with a nail lodged in his brain.

Brad Shorten, a father of three from Victoria state, was enjoying a few beers with friends after working on his house when they began joking about industrial accidents.

Shorten, 33, picked up a nail gun that he thought was empty, pointed it at his head and pulled the trigger.

He later said he had turned off the gun's compressor and taken out its nail cartridge but did not realize there was still enough pressure in the gun to fire a nail.

"My mates and I were talking about construction site accidents and taking your eye out with a nail gun, and I foolishly put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger," Shorten told the Sunday Herald Sun newspaper.

"I did a very stupid thing," he said.

The bizarre mishap left him with a 1.25-inch nail counter-sunk through his skull just behind his temple.

Royal Melbourne Hospital neurosurgeons removed the nail in a delicate four-hour operation even though Shorten, who was expected to make a full recovery, had offered to take the nail out with a pair of pliers.

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Gator Goes for Ride on Fla. School Bus   
Tue Mar 9,12:56 PM ET

LACOOCHEE, Fla. - Middle and high school students were riding home from school when they spotted a 4-foot alligator crossing the road, were allowed off the school bus to catch it and took it home.

None of the 11 students on the bus were injured, and the alligator was fine when it was released into a nearby river by the father of two of the boys.

State wildlife officials and the Pasco County State Attorney's Office are investigating the bus driver. Sherry Hattaway, 41, has been on paid leave since the Thursday incident.

"If the facts I'm hearing are true, then at the least she used some of the worst judgment someone could use in endangering kids," Pasco school superintendent John Long said.

The alligator was spotted as it crossed the road in front of the bus, said passenger Wilfredo Santiago, 14, who asked the driver to stop.

At first she refused, but a group of boys talked her into letting them off about 40 miles northeast of Tampa. Four boys ran off the bus, found the alligator hiding in a hole and used sticks to prod the animal out. A fifth student gave them a roll of electrical tape from the bus to bind the alligator's jaws.

The gator was hauled onto the bus and off again at the home of two boys. Their father Jimmy Scroggins came home to find a crowd of kids around the calm alligator.

Scroggins took the animal to the nearby Withlacoochee River and released it. The next day, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officers were at his house.

Scroggins said that while he didn't condone his children's actions, he was more befuddled by the driver's.

"Kids are going to do what kids are going to do," he said. "But there was a consenting adult involved."

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Woman Gets Criminal Record for Petting Dog   
Thu Mar 11,10:01 AM ET

SAN JOSE, Calif. - All Tamar Sherman wanted to do was pet a dog and give it some water. Sherman's act left her with a criminal record.

A few months ago, Sherman was walking near her South San Jose home and encountered a dog left outside in the cold while its owners were inside.

Sherman, a member of a national group called Dogs Deserve Better, decided to pet the dog on a few occassions and once gave it water. That didn't please the dog's owner.

"When I went out there to fill up the dog bowl, this woman was standing in my back yard," attorney Ron Berki told the San Jose Mercury News. "My response was, `Who ... are you?' She told me, `I'm here to pet your dog.'"

For that, Sherman pleaded guilty this week to two misdemeanors — trespassing and prowling — and was sentenced to 75 hours of community service and a year of probation. She also was ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from Berki's home.

"I just wanted to find out if a dog that seemed to be in distress was OK," Sherman told the paper. "I do not think my actions were a crime in comparison with abuse or neglect of +animals+."

Berki denies that his dog, Bailey, was abused or neglected, saying the dog sleeps inside with him every night.

"If Miss Sherman was so concerned about my dog, it would have been easy to come to my front door and speak to me directly," he said.