Subject: Daily Dose - 040417 - CUSTODY BATTLE, BIZARRE NEWS, FUNNY SIGNS, DDL, Rotten News

CUSTODY BATTLE

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a court in Toronto some years back. But the Custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, because the man won!

______________________________

BIZARRE NEWS...

Bizarre Personal Ads

[Courtesy of netscape.com]  

Looking for third-degree-burned beauties to satisfy my growing fetish for wrinkled skin. Have tried elderly women and bathtub babes, but now only skin grafts get me going.

I've got issues; you've got the cure. I need lots of time on the couch; you need a sympathetic ear and board certification. Must not charge by the hour.

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply.

Single female who enjoys interpretive dance, wearing black clothing, and drinking herbal tea seeks standoffish, analytical wimp to create Jell-O sculptures and ballroom dance in my living room.

Thirty-five-year-old doctor who wants to finally meet a woman with true inner beauty. Outward appearance not a factor. Please send X-rays.

You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to respond; I already know where you live.

Former scientist in search of test subject for study on the line between pleasure and pain, ecstasy and excruciation. Those with high pain thresholds ineligible.

Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful relationship and serpent handling. Speaking in tongues a plus! God-fearing applicants only.

***  

He's Been on the Ball

ALEXANDRIA, Indiana - A man with a lot of time on his hands has spent the last 27 years putting layers of paint on a baseball that has grown to massive proportions. Mike Carmichael has applied so much paint to the ball that it now weighs 1,300 pounds, is over 35 inches in diameter and has a 111-inch circumference.

Carmichael has high hopes that his project will be declared the world's largest ball of paint. A crew took a core sample from the green ball on Saturday that is needed before it can gain a spot in the Guinness Book of Records.

In honor of Carmichael's hard work, Saturday was declared Ball of Paint Day in the town of Alexandria. The day began with a proclamation in honor of Carmichael, followed by a photo exhibit and ending with the sample taken at his home.

"I am not going to start any more baseballs," Carmichael stated.

**********

Hard Up for Some Treatment

VILLA GONZALEZ - Some men have problems even achieving an erection, but one unfortunate guy in the Dominican Republic was suffering from a hard-on that lasted six days.

25-year-old Ignacio Cabrera became a tourist attraction after admitting himself to the hospital. Nurses, doctors and even members of the public at Jose Maria Cabral and Baez Hospital showed up to get a glimpse for themselves.

Doctors told Cabrera that emergency surgery was needed because the condition could have left him impotent if it went untreated. Since Cabrera denied taking sexual stimulants, the hospital's director said he could be suffering from a rare form of anemia that can give men erections for long durations of time.

**********

Seeing Doubles

HOUSTON - In an event that happens only in about one in 11 million pregnancies, a woman gave birth to two sets of identical twins.

Sheryl McGowen gave birth by Caesarean section to four sons - Jacob, Jacoby, Jason and Justin. The twins weighed from two pounds, five ounces to three pounds, four ounces.

McGowen, who had been taking fertility drugs, had two eggs implanted in her and both split. The babies were born during McGowen's 30th week of pregnancy.

"I feel proud, happy and even a little scared," said husband Jeffery McGowen. "I really can't put it into words."

According to Dr. John Buster, director of the reproductive endocrinology and infertility division at Baylor College of Medicine, between 30 and 40 percent of in-vitro births are multiples.

_________________________________

FUNNY SIGNS

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES.  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

_____________________________

DDL

A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.

______________________________

"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14. You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably wind up with an action hero as governor of the state."
--Jay Leno

***  

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.
If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

***  

My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2.

___________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Sat Dish Installer Accused of Panty Thefts   
Fri Mar 12, 7:31 PM ET

MUSKEGON, Mich. - A man who installs home satellite dishes for a living is accused of pirating panties from his female customers.

Nicholas Lee Hinkley, 22, was arraigned Wednesday in 60th District Court on a charge of larceny in a building, a felony punishable by a prison sentence of up to four years.

Hinkley is accused of stealing a pair of panties last month from a home in Muskegon County's Muskegon Township. He pleaded innocent to the charge and posted $5,000 bond at his arraignment.

Detective Jason Kik of the Ottawa County sheriff's department told The Muskegon Chronicle that the case began with a drug raid at the Coopersville home where Hinkley was staying.

Officers executing a search warrant discovered a duffel bag containing 78 pairs of women's panties, sex toys, lotions, 10 homemade videotapes and three bondage magazines. Police said all had been stolen.

*********

Mon, Mar 15, 2004
Man Unwittingly Drops 11,000 Euros in Train Toilet  

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A German train passenger on his way to buy a car in the Netherlands, unwittingly dumped 11,000 euros ($13,530) down the train toilet, Dutch police said on Saturday.

"While using the loo, his 11,000 euros fell out of his clothes and disappeared down the toilet landing on the railway track," police spokesman Peter van Raaij said.

The man, 38, alerted railway police and the next train stopped so that the ticket collector could retrieve the cash.

He found only 4,000 euros. "Several passengers helped the conductor when the train stopped, but they 'forgot' to return the money, and some had probably blown away," Van Raaij said.

*********

Army List Targets Minorities, Magicians  
Thu Mar 11, 8:21 AM ET

ISTANBUL (Reuters) - Turkey's army has asked local authorities for information on individuals who could undermine the state, including ethnic minorities, magicians and people who practice meditation, local media said on Wednesday.

In a rare statement to the press, the military General Staff confirmed it had asked authorities to "gather intelligence because it was necessary to makes plans to take effective measures against incidents that could arise."

Turkey's largest newspaper Hurriyet on Wednesday published a document from the army command asking for information on people who supported the European Union and the United States, as well as "the socially elite, members of artistic groups and children of wealthy families."

Foreigners living in Turkey and ethnic minorities, including Circassians, Gypsies, Albanians and Bosnians, were on the list. Satanists, freemasons, sympathizers with U.S. white supremacists in the Ku Klux Klan and groups that meditate or congregate on the Internet were also targeted, Hurriyet said.

Even necromancers, or magicians who summon spirits from the dead, were included, the paper said. "Writers and thinkers who are working against Turkey" were also to be investigated.

The request could raise eyebrows in the EU, which Turkey aspires to join. Among the reforms Turkey must make before opening entry talks is curbing the role of the military.

Despite recent reforms, the military still wields influence over elected officials. The army has staged three coups since 1960 and sees itself as the ultimate guarantor of Turkey's secular democracy.