Subject: Daily Dose - 040412 - cold water, THIS is TRUE, disappearing
tampons, DDL, Rotten News
A man went to visit his 90 year old
grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending
the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and
bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned
his grandfather.
"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather
replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on
and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the
hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the
edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, "Are you
sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his
hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean
as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on
his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him
pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't
let me out," he complained.
Without diverting his attention from
the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move!"
____________________________
THIS is TRUE...
BELLIGERENT BLOVIATING: Two towns in
Ontario, Canada, have decided not to install warning sirens around two nuclear
plants to warn local residents of any "nuclear emergency" that might
occur. C$1.5 million (US$1.14 million) worth of sirens have already been
procured for sites in Pickering and Clarington, but are "gathering dust in
a warehouse" after local politicians objected to them after five years of
planning. Pickering Councillor Maurice Brenner called the warning system
"draconian" and "a threat to local property values."
Clarington Mayor John Mutton agreed, noting "I don't think we need any
more memories of the Cold War in our community." (Toronto Star)
...Doing nothing: what politicians do best.
********
HELP WANTED: The job offered ad for
drivers to ferry topless dancers and "escorts" from job to job in
Miami, Fla. attracted attention. The pay: $5,000 per week in cash plus
"benefits". Those who applied were asked to wire an $865 deposit,
which they were told would be refunded after their first assignment. But no one
was ever given any assignments, investigators say. Those who sent deposits were
hit up again and again for "hidden job-related expenses"; one idiot
sent $8,000 in total. In all, 43 applicants, male and female aged 19 to 78,
sent an average of eight payments each. The alleged advertisers, Gary Janiak
Jr., 34, and Tracy Silverstone, 22, have been charged with 333 counts of felony
fraud. (Miami Herald)
...And each victim was charged with 8 counts of ignoring the "too good to
be true" rule.
********
RISKY BUSINESS: After a head injury,
an x-ray showed a 29-year-old Chinese man had three small needles embedded in
his brain. Doctors say the needles probably had been there since infancy, but
once the man, identified only as Guo, became aware of them he wanted them
removed. Guangdong neurosurgeon Zhang Zhiqiang was the only doctor willing to
perform the risky operation. Despite a substantial risk of hemorrhage or
infection, Zhang says the removal was completely successful. (AFP) ...Though
Guo complains that his mind isn't as sharp as it used to be.
********
CAUSE AND EFFECT: After Lucas
Strutz, 27, of Oakes, N.D., was arrested on assault charges, he was brought to
the Barnes County Jail. Even though he had been searched by the arresting
officer, Strutz pulled a gun while he was being booked and held deputies at bay
all night. After nearly eight hours, Strutz killed himself with a shot to the
head. "We don't know what triggered it," said Sheriff Randy
McClaflin. (AP)
...I'm no expert, but I'd guess the trigger.
*********
IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE:
"Janet Jackson Has Another, Um, Single Out"
-- Arizona Republic headline
_____________________________
I'm the only female in a house full
of guys. Four sons and a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female
products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my house.
Tampons were disappearing! A few
months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one
left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go
back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. Next month I go back to
the cupboard...and again...there is only one tampon left again. What's going
on? Gremlins?
I go to the store and buy another
box, and forget about it. I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet
and at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and
the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are they doing with
them?
I get a hold of myself and tell
myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts
running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in
the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell
for my two youngest sons to "come here!"
They march up the stairs and find me
in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are
you doing with those? Those are mine!"
My 10 year old looks at me all
innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and
stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them
for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!"
_____________________________
DDL
A lubricious young woman named Gwen
Had never learned how to say "when!"
So she did it again
And again and again
And again and again and again.
____________________________
Every revolutionary idea - in
science, politics, art, or whatever - evokes three stages of reaction in a
hearer:
1. It is completely impossible - don't waste my time.
2. It is possible, but it is not worth doing.
3. I said it was a good idea all along.
***
"You're a parasite for sore
eyes."
--Gregory Ratoff
***
Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
_____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Diner serves Spam, Spam,
Spam
Thu Mar 18, 7:32 AM ET
MANILA (Reuters) - Spamburgers, Spam
nuggets, Spam Spaghetti, Caesar salad with Spam, Spam and eggs: the menu at the
Spamjam restaurant in Manila could be straight out of the Monty Python sketch.
"I'm a Spam lover," said
Philip Abadilla, who opened the world's first Spam restuarant in December.
"It's always on my mind."
While the canned luncheon meat will
forever be ridiculed by fans of the British comedians, it is a much loved
staple in the Philippines. Filipinos eat 2.75 million pounds (1.25 million kg)
of the stuff every year, and woe betide anyone arriving from the United States
who doesn't bring a few cans for their relatives.
"It appeals to my taste
buds," said Aris Yambao, a 28-year-old advertising executive on his second
visit to the red, yellow and blue restaurant in one of Manila's enormous
shopping malls.
Yambao was one of just eight people
in the half-full diner on Thursday lunchtime, but Abadilla said he gets up to
300 customers a day and is in negotiations to open two further branches.
First produced in 1937 by Hormel
Foods of the United States, Spam became an institution during World War II.
It gave its name to junk e-mail
because of the singing Vikings in the Monty Python sketch, who kept drowning
out a waitress offering dishes such as spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam.
Hormel, whose Philippine venture
helped Abadilla set up Spamjam, is hoping to take the restaurant to other
countries. For people who don't like Spam, such as the female customer played
by Graham Chapman in the sketch, the menu also offers hot dogs.
To which the Spam-loving waitress
played by Terry Jones would have said: "Urgghh!"
********
Preacher Loses Facility Readmission
Bid
Thu Mar 18, 5:02 PM ET
HARRISON, Ark. - An elderly preacher
who lost his privilege to visit the Boone County Senior Center two years ago
after losing dominoes and taking extra ice cream toppings and doughnuts has
lost his bid to be readmitted to the facility.
Boone County Judge Gordon Webb ruled
that Arthur Barnes, 73, is free to use facilities in neighboring counties but
that the Boone County center was right to bar him from its facilities.
Barnes argued that since the Boone
County center was funded by taxpayers, it could not rightfully prevent him from
entering. Center workers said Barnes was barred after being involved in pool
room brawls and asking other elderly men to step outside and fight.
The former postal worker, pastor of
the Kissee Community Church near Monarch, said in a trial last year that center
workers had publicly berated him for losing dominoes, leaving billiard balls
atop the pool table and taking extra ice cream toppings and doughnuts.
In 2002, Barnes was barred for 60
days after a fight over a billiard game. He later was barred permanently, and
argued in court that he was not given a hearing. Webb ruled that Barnes did
have adequate notice of the steps being taken against him.
Other complaints he made in the suit
concerned:
- Allegations of "running
Carl Evans out of a chair."
- A reprimand for getting an
extra glass of milk that he said he was getting for a friend who wasn't as
mobile as him.
- Being ordered not to sell
his chicken eggs at the center so that another person could sell "less
superior eggs."
- Being reprimanded for
disrupting a bingo game. "I am innocent," Barnes said in the suit.
"By the way, the bingo game is illegal."
**********
Baby Shakes Loose Battery Worth
$100,000
Thu Mar 18, 4:21 PM ET
BREWSTER, N.Y. - The D'Onofrios keep
their telephones out of the reach of 21-month-old Billy, since he likes to push
the buttons and make random calls. There's tape over the television controls to
keep him from changing the channel.
But the boy's inquisitive nature is
no longer considered a problem since he opened the battery compartment on the
television remote and uncovered a purple battery worth $100,000.
The AAA Duracell was one of 12
labeled "winner" that the manufacturer had slipped into packages as
part of a promotional campaign. The D'Onofrios had put it into the remote — a
replacement for one Billy had accidentally thrown into the trash — without
noticing that it was special.
On Jan. 20, Billy managed to open
the remote and shake the battery onto the floor, where his mother, Lisa,
finally noticed it.
She assumed it would get her a
coupon.
"I would have been happy with a
year's worth of batteries," she told The Journal News.
But Duracell told her the prize was
$100,000.
"I can't believe we won
something this big," Lisa D'Onofrio said. The family will use the money to
boost the children's college funds — they have a 9- and 6-year old, as well —
and pay a few large bills, she said. The family was to pick up its check
Thursday at the Toys "R" Us in Danbury, Conn., where the battery was
purchased.
"How lucky was that
child?" said Michele Szynal, communications director of Gillette Co.,
Duracell's parent. "Just thinking about it makes me smile."
