Subject: Daily Dose - 040406 - foul-mouthed priest, BIZARRE NEWS, zebra, DDL, Rotten News

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest..

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Wedding Day Disasters

A French bride was arrested at her wedding reception in 1995 for stabbing the groom with the knife they had just used to cut the wedding cake.

Right before he was due to conduct a wedding in West Yorkshire, Father Rodney Chapman tripped over a bible, crashed into the aisle and broke his foot. With blood streaming down his face, he managed to marry the couple before going to the hospital.

When the future George IV got married to Princess Caroline of Brunswick in 1795, he was so drunk he had to be carried to the altar by his two ushers. During the ceremony, he rose at one point as if trying to escape. Later, when asked by the Archbishop if there was any impediment to the marriage, the groom started to cry. After briefly visiting the marital bed that night, he fell asleep in the fireplace.

Newlywed Kal Thorpe left All Saints' Church, Erdington, Birmingham, in August 1986 to discover that the wedding car had been stolen.

At a wedding at Kingston, Surrey, in 1973, the vicar fell ill and a replacement had to be found at short notice. Then the bride fainted when the groom put the ring on her finger and, despite attempts to revive her, remained unconscious for 20 minutes.

On the day of Princess Maria del Pozzo della Cisterno and Amadeo, the Duke of D'Aosta's wedding, Cisterno's mistress hanged herself, the palace gatekeeper cut his throat, the colonel leading the wedding procession collapsed from sunstroke, the stationmaster was crushed to death under the wheels of the honeymoon train, the King's aide died when he fell from his horse, and the best man shot himself. Otherwise, everything went smoothly...

***  

Hands On Training

FORT DODGE, IOWA - A paramedic was fired and denied benefits after allegedly handling a corpse in an inappropriate manner.

Scott Kirkhart was fired from Trinity Regional Medical Center after he stuck his fingers in the mouth of a corpse which he was taking to the morgue. A security officer present had a "strong reaction," to the incident, according to state records. As a result, Kirkhart shoved his fingers into the dead person's nostrils and later grabbed the person's breast and said "honk, honk."

Hospital officials say he admitted to putting his fingers in the dead person's mouth but denied the other accusations. He argued at a hearing that his benefits should be paid to him since touching a corpse is not unusual in training practices, but the judge disagreed, saying that Kirkhart wasn't in training at the time and that it is inappropriate to desecrate a body.

***

Putting the Pieces Together

WAKEFIELD, England - A court battle is under way in the northern English town of Wakefield where a couple was unaware the house they bought was a "house of horrors." Alan and Susan Sykes filed the lawsuit after watching a crime documentary that recounted how a biologist from Leeds University had killed his 13-year-old adopted daughter 20 years ago and chopped her body into 105 pieces, which were then hidden around the house.

As the couple watched the video, they noticed the home looked rather familiar. It was then they came to the eerie realization that the hideous crime had occurred in their home.

They claim they would never have bought the house in Wakefield if the sellers, James and Alison Taylor-Rose, had told them about the recent history of the $150,000 property. Parts of the girl's body were hidden under the floorboards; others were secreted in plant pots and a coffee jar. Some were never found.

***

Too Much Wine Will Make You Sick

BERLIN - A thief who was caught in the act stealing a bottle of wine decided to make the most of it and quickly gulped down the bottle. Just one problem - the landlady had switched the wine with vinegar and the culprit promptly threw up.

"He was caught in the act and fell over while running away," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Schwabach. "I guess he thought 'I'd better make the most of this' and drank the stuff. Then he vomited up it and everything else he'd drunk."

According to police, several bottles of wine had recently been stolen from the bar. The clever landlady replaced the wine with vinegar before the drunken 19-year-old struck. The retching thief was detained by her partner until police arrived.

***

A Weighty Issue

BOSTON - Ian Klein was tired of seeing his overweight sister struggling to find relationships. So he decided to create a matchmaking website where like-sized people could come together.

Overweightdate.com caters to the larger population and has become quite popular. The site focuses on the "Big, Beautiful Women" and "Big, Handsome Men" market, but attracts the chubby-chasers as well.

Klein says his sister has now been in a relationship with the same man for "quite some time." He claims that millions of people are using his site and since 64 percent of Americans are considered overweight, his site caters to the majority of the population.

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There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.  The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.  She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right.  What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool."  The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.  "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right.  What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round."  Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.  She ran over to it and said, "hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra.  "What do you do?"

"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

_____________________________

DDL

There was a young lady named Gay,
Who was asked to make love in the hay.
She jumped at the chance
And took off her pants,
She was tickled to try it that way!

_____________________________

"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
--Charles M. Schulz

***

"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
--Oscar Levant

***

"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost."
--Gustave Flaubert

_____________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Mon, Mar 22, 2004
Balinese Lock Lips in Kissing Festival   

BALI, Indonesia - Dozens of Balinese singles locked lips in a steamy kissing festival Monday that ended with village priests dumping buckets of water over the couples to douse their passions.

Locals believe the festival, held yearly in a small village on the Indonesian tourist island, ensures the good health of those taking part and prevents bad luck hitting the village.

The ceremony, which dates back to the late 19th-century, took place even as some Islamic lawmakers in Indonesia moved to ban public kissing and punish it with five-year prison terms.

But in the village of Sesetan on Monday, the only debate was on how long participants should kiss for — not whether they were breaching morals on the island, which is a Hindu enclave in the world's most populous Muslim nation.

Around 70 young men and women dressed in traditional sarongs prayed in the local temple before parading in lines through the street and choosing a partner. As a gamelan orchestra chimed in the background and with hundreds of cheering locals and foreign visitors looking on, they kissed for around 15 seconds before priests stepped in, soaking them with buckets of water.

"I am kind of uncomfortable what with all these people watching but I came along with my friends," said one female participant, Kadek Ari.

Members of Indonesia's parliament committee on pornography introduced a bill earlier this month that would ban kissing on the lips and making love in public places, a reflection of the growing influence of religion in Indonesia.

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Islam illegal under law, court told
By Barney Zwartz
Religion Editor
February 20, 2004

Islam was an illegal religion because the Koran preached violence against Christians and Jews, a Christian group told a judge yesterday.

The group's barrister, David Perkins, said that Christianity was established under Australia's constitution and had special protection, especially through the blasphemy law. Mr Perkins told the Victorian and Civil Administrative Tribunal that if the state's new religious hatred law intended to fetter the teaching of Christian doctrine it was invalid.

Victoria's Racial and Religious Tolerance Act 2001 referred to lawful religion, and it was in that sense, he said, that by preaching violence Islam was disqualified.

"The Koran contradicts Christian doctrine in a number of places and, under the blasphemy law, is therefore illegal," he said.

Opening the defence yesterday, Mr Perkins said Christianity was embedded in the (Australian) constitution.

He said the law still entitled Christian religious principles to a special place.

Judge Michael Higgins asked if Mr Perkins meant that the Victorian law did not protect Muslims? Mr Perkins replied: "Yes."

Judge Higgins: "So it might protect Christians but not Muslims from vilification?"

Mr Perkins: "Yes."

Judge Higgins said a no-case submission claiming the seminar was exempt as a religious activity would fail "at this time", so Mr Perkins withdrew the application.

**********

We locked you up in jail for 25 years and you were innocent all along? That’ll be £80,000 please

By Neil Mackay, Home Affairs Editor

WHAT do you give someone who’s been proved innocent after spending the best part of their life behind bars, wrongfully convicted of a crime they didn’t commit?

An apology, maybe? Counselling? Champagne? Compensation? Well, if you’re David Blunkett, the Labour Home Secretary, the choice is simple: you give them a big, fat bill for the cost of board and lodgings for the time they spent freeloading at Her Majesty’s Pleasure in British prisons.

On Tuesday, Blunkett will fight in the Royal Courts of Justice in London for the right to charge victims of miscarriages of justice more than £3000 for every year they spent in jail while wrongly convicted. The logic is that the innocent man shouldn’t have been in prison eating free porridge and sleeping for nothing under regulation grey blankets.

Blunkett’s fight has been described as “outrageous”, “morally repugnant” and the “sickest of sick jokes”, but his spokesmen in the Home Office say it’s a completely “reasonable course of action” as the innocent men and women would have spent the money anyway on food and lodgings if they weren’t in prison. The government deems the claw-back ‘Saved Living Expenses’.

Paddy Hill was one of the Birmingham Six. He spent 16 years behind bars for the 1974 Birmingham pub bombings by the IRA. Hill now lives on a farm with his wife and children near Beith in Scotland. He has been charged £50,000 for living expenses by the Home Office.

It wasn’t until two years ago that Hill was finally awarded £960,000 in compensation. However, during the years since his release, while waiting for the pay-out, the government had given him advances of around £300,000. When his compensation came through, the £300,000 was taken back along with interest on the interim payments charged at 23% – that cost him a further £70,000.

“The whole system is absurd,” Hill said. “I’m so angry about what has happened to me. I try and tell people about being charged for bed and board in jail and they can’t believe it. When I left prison I was given no training for freedom – no counselling or psychological preparation. Yet the guilty get that when they are released. To charge me for the food I ate and the cell I slept in is almost as big an injustice as fitting me up in the first place. While I was in prison, my family lost their home, yet they get no compensation. But the state wants its money back. It’s like being kicked in the head when someone has beat you already. I have to put up with this, yet there has not been one police officer convicted of fitting people up. The Home Office had no shortage of money to keep me in jail or to run a charade of a trial."

“But they had enough money to frame me. Nevertheless, when it comes to paying out compensation for ruining my life they happily rip me to shreds.”

Hill is not leading the legal action against the government – instead he has handed the baton to another high-profile victim of miscarriage of justice: Mike O’Brien.

O’Brien spent 10 years in jail wrongly convicted of killing a Cardiff newsagent. His baby daughter died while he was in prison and he was charged £37,500 by the Home Office for his time behind bars.

Vincent Hickey, one of the Bridgewater Four who was wrongly convicted for killing a paperboy, was charged £60,000 for the 17 years he spent in jail. He said: “If I had known this I would have stayed on hunger-strike longer, that way I would have had a smaller bill.”

ROBERT Brown was just a 19-year-old from Glasgow when he was jailed for life for murdering a woman called Annie Walsh in Manchester in 1977. He served 25 years before he was finally freed in 2002, when the courts ruled him innocent of the crime.

He is now facing a bill of around £80,000 for the living expenses he cost the state. For Brown, it is the final straw. An interim payment he was given pending his full compensation offer is exhausted; his mother recently died; his relationship with his girlfriend has fallen apart and he is facing eviction from his home following a mix-up over benefits.

“I feel like ending my life,” he says. “I’ve tried to maintain my dignity, but the state has treated me with nothing but contempt – now they are asking me for money for my bed and board in jail. I never contemplated suicide once while I was in prison, but it’s different on the outside. I have received no counselling or support. Society is treating me like something you’d wipe off the bottom of your shoes, but I’m an innocent man and a victim of a terrible injustice.

14 March 2004