Subject: Daily Dose - 040405 - ARKANSAS BUSINESSMEN, THIS is TRUE, bigger
in Texas, DDL, Rotten News
ARKANSAS BUSINESSMEN
Bubba and Billy Bob , who are from
Arkansas, travel to Texas to visit some relatives. They are walking along the
street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each,
shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy
Bob , "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to
Arkansas, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there,
you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll
talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Bubba says with his
best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of
them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50
each. I'll back up my pickup and ...."
The owner of the shop interrupts,
"Ya'll are from Arkansas, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a
surprised Bubba ........ "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "Because this
is a dry-cleaners."
___________________________
THIS is TRUE...
EDUSPEAK: Forget "compare and
contrast"; schoolchildren now learn "text-to-text connections".
They don't go to "home room" but rather "Achievement Time"
or, in some schools, "Time to Care". The temporary classroom is now a
"learning cottage" rather than a "trailer". Even the humble
essay is gone, replaced by the "extended constructed response".
"If teachers want to talk in those terms among themselves, they're welcome
to," says Vocabulary Review publisher Hartwell Fiske. "But introducing
children to them is criminal, dehumanizing." Students agree. "It's
like renaming a prison 'The Happy Fun Place'," complains a Maryland
senior. "Tests should be called tests. 'Brief constructed response'; you
just wonder why they don't say 'paragraph'." (Washington Post)
...It's nice that kids still get to learn about George Orwell.
**********
WHO DO YOU CALL WHEN THIS HAPPENS?
Robert Fida of Cheyenne, Wyo., got a call at home from a woman reporting a
disturbance. He told her she had the wrong number. But call after call came in
with emergency reports so Fida, a former police dispatcher, decided to take
down the information and relay it to 911. But when he called 911, he got voice
mail -- his own. "My jaw dropped," he said. A Qwest phone company
programming error was routing emergency calls to his home. He was able to get a
connection to real dispatchers on his cell phone, and relayed calls for about
40 minutes until the problem cleared up. (AP)
...When he called Qwest to complain, he got his next-door neighbor.
**********
ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE: Once
Raymond Jessi Snyder, 38, was found guilty in a Miami, Fla., court of felony
witness tampering in a domestic abuse case, prosecutors asked the judge to
order Snyder immediately be taken into custody since he was a "flight
risk". At the time, Snyder was inching toward the door. "He sort of
slowly moved away, at which point it came to the attention of the room that he
was moving," said assistant state attorney Scott Miller. "When he
realized people were looking in his direction, he began a headlong run" --
with the bailiff in hot pursuit. He was quickly caught and brought back before
the judge, who granted the prosecution's request for immediate custody. (Miami
Herald)
...And Nike's request for an endorsement contract.
**********
MAJOR REVISION: Jon Blake Cusack, a
self-described "engineering geek" in Holland, Mich., says it took
awhile to convince his wife, Jamie, that it just wouldn't do to name their
newborn son "Junior". She finally agreed, and they named the boy Jon
Blake Cusack 2.0. Jamie says she polled friends about the 2.0 moniker; men said
the name was "cool", but few women liked it. (Holland Sentinel)
...But of course Jamie still agreed, not wanting to give way to Wife 2.0.
**********
FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD:
"Police Find Burglar Through Yellow Snow He Left Behind"
-- Reno Gazette-Journal headline
____________________________
On a family vacation in Texas, my
brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and
his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived,
the first thing Mike noticed was its size.
"Wow," he exclaimed,
"everything IS bigger in Texas!"
As he lifted the burger off the
plate, his eyes met the cold stare of the 300-pound waitress.
____________________________
DDL
What with female Marines, Sergeant
Trilling
Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling.
In the daytime, his skill
is in close-order drill,
While at night, it's in close-ardor drilling!
_____________________________
"I like long walks, especially
when they are taken by people who annoy me."
--Noel Coward
***
"Egotism is the anesthetic that
dulls the pain of stupidity."
--Frank Leahy
***
"Some people are born on third
base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."
--Barry Switzer
______________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Mon, Mar 22, 2004
W.Va. Governor Protests Spoof T-Shirt
CHARLESTON, W.Va. - Gov. Bob Wise
sent a letter to Abercrombie & Fitch on Monday demanding that the clothing
retailer stop selling a T-shirt that spoofs the state with the slogan,
"It's All Relative in West Virginia."
Wise said the T-shirt depicts
"an unfounded, negative stereotype of West Virginia."
"I write to you today to demand
that you immediately remove this item from your stores and your print and
online catalogues," Wise wrote. "In addition, these shirts must be
destroyed at once to avoid any possibility of resale and proof be given
thereof."
Abercrombie & Fitch spokesman
Tom Lennox declined to say whether the New Albany, Ohio-based company would
comply with the governor's request. He said the T-shirt, which features the
slogan on an outline of the state, has been selling well at $22.50.
"We love West Virginia. We love
California, Florida, Connecticut, Hawaii and Nebraska too. Abercrombie &
Fitch was born and raised in the USA, and we honor all 50 states in the
union," Lennox said.
West Virginia is not the only state
that is spoofed on an Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt. Another shirt's slogan
is "New Hampshire. 40 million squirrels can't be wrong."
*********
Colonoscopy Parties Remove Fear
Factor
Mon Mar 22, 3:45 PM ET
By RENEE LEE, Associated Press
Writer
PLANO, Texas - When oncology nurse
Audrey Thompson invites her friends to a party, she often dares them to bare
their bottoms.
On a recent Saturday, a dozen or so
of her co-workers took the challenge. They arrived at Medical Center of Plano
as early as 6:30 a.m. to drop their pants — for a colonoscopy.
Thompson, a self-described health
crusader, has organized several parties in the past year, partly for selfish
reasons. And, no, it is not to see her friends in uncompromising positions.
"I hate to say this, but we
have so much fun," said Thompson, an assistant nurse manager at Medical
City of Plano. "We meet at the facility that morning and we're all there
for each other."
But her real motivation is to fight
colon cancer.
Colon cancer is the second-leading
cause of cancer death in the United States. In 2001, more than 57,000 people
died of the disease, according to the American Cancer Society.
Colonoscopies allow doctors to see
inside the colon and rectum to detect polyps by using a flexible hollow tube
with a camera chip on the end. Patients must ingest a liquid laxative to clean
the colon before the procedure. Patients are then given a mild sedative so they
are not awake during the screening.
During the party, Thompson and a
group of volunteers — attendees from previous parties — visit with the patients
to ease last minute jitters.
The outpatient surgery room is
decorated with blue and white ribbons and signs that read, "I'm proud to
be a party pooper" and "Don't neglect early detect."
As patients are rolled to the
surgery room, everyone cheers and claps.
"Yeah, go Cheryl," they
shout as 45-year-old Cheryl Lawson a registered nurse makes her way to see Dr.
Brian Cooley, the gastrointestinal specialist who performs the procedures for
Thompson's parties.
Thompson snaps pictures and hands
out silly awards, such as "the worst prep" and "the hardest to
convince."
Kathryn Magnuson, 53, received a
photo of the mushroom-shaped polyp removed from her colon. A pharmacist at the
hospital, Magnuson must have a follow-up screening next year because test
showed the polyp was precancerous, meaning it could develop into cancer.
She said she may not have had the
screening without Thompson's urging.
"This is wonderful that she
does this," Magnuson said. "It takes the fear away."
********
Mon, Mar 22, 2004
Fired for Complimenting Client's Good Looks
STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A female
receptionist in an office in south Sweden was sacked for sexual harassment when
her employer heard she had complimented a male client of the company on his
good looks, a Swedish newspaper reported Monday.
"I joked with a client about
how handsome he was," the receptionist told the daily Sydsvenska
Dagbladet. The man said he had not been offended by the woman's remark.
It is not uncommon in Sweden for
women to accuse men of sexual harassment, but the opposite is rare.
The woman's employer declined
comment, said the newspaper, which did not identify the company or the people
involved.
