Subject: Daily Dose - 040404 - 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, BIZARRE NEWS,
evangelist, DDL, Rotten News
50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
The old couple were planning to go
on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said,
"We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old
man.
"We will do all the things that
we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old
man.
"And we will make love like we
did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the
old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry,
'It's too big, it's too big!'"
______________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Their Health Was At Stake
MAROTINUL DE SUS, Romania - A
Romanian family convinced a late relative was a vampire dug up his body,
pierced it with wooden stakes and removed his heart.
Gheorge Marinescu said he led the
family's graveyard expedition to dig up his brother-in-law Petre Toma's grave
to snuff out the vampire. Toma died last year at the age of 76. Marinescu said
his wife, son and daughter-in-law were all sick because Toma drank their blood
before he died.
"I decided to unbury him. I've
seen these kinds of things before," Marinescu said. "We took his
heart and he sighed when we stabbed him. We burned it, then dissolved the ash
in water. The people who had fallen sick drank it."
Marinescu said his family got better
immediately. For good measure, they pierced the body several times with wooden
stakes.
Police were planning to exhume the
body again to determine if desecration charges would be filed.
***
Going Ball-istic
CHICAGO - The infamous baseball that
may have cost the Chicago Cubs its first trip to the World Series in 58 years
was blown up Thursday night. All that remained of the ball was a heap of thread
after it was exploded inside a clear protective case by a Hollywood special
effects expert.
The stunt was shown live on
television from inside a tent at Harry Caray's Restaurant. Loyal Cubs fans
watched as the baseball many blame for the team's playoff failure was
destroyed.
Some fans wore replicas of the
thick, black-framed glasses worn by Caray, the famous Cubs' broadcaster. They
held up a beer to toast the man, who died in 1998, and sang "Take Me Out
to the Ball Game" just before the ball was demolished.
***
Toying With Emotions
Police in southern Texas are seeking
a Barbie doll-wielding man who has been stalking a residential neighborhood,
the Houston Chronicle reported Tuesday.
Pasadena police say the man is
masked as he knocks on doors while carrying a Barbie doll. The man, clad in
black clothes, doesn't say anything but continues knocking while waving a
Barbie doll.
One resident, Debbie Cryer, said
that the man came to her house four times in the past week. "He waves the
Barbie doll. He'll take the doll (in his hands) and hold it with its legs
spread open. He takes the Barbie doll and he shakes it... It's the only part of
him that moves. He stands directly straight and he'll just move the Barbie
doll. And then he strokes the hair sometimes," she explained.
A neighbor told officers a man
wearing a black mask waved a Barbie doll in front of her peephole early Friday.
He fled over her backyard fence when she answered the door, police said.
_____________________________
A patient, while recovering in the
hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.
After listening politely for over a
half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should
repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes
during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't
be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!"
_____________________________
DDL
There is a certain young woman named
Janet
Who's the sexiest dish on the planet
From her toe to her palm
She's a nuclear bomb
And no one, thank god, wants to ban it.
_____________________________
"Ferrets are horrible
creatures. It's an elongated rat that's wearing a mink stoll or something like
that. I think I wanna spearhead some anti-ferret legislation."
--Actor Ben Stiller, who was bitten on the chin by one of the creatures on the
set of his new movie ALONG CAME POLLY.
***
"No sex scandals yet, but I am
open to offers."
--Actor John Cusack, lamenting his tame private life.
***
"Fox has announced they've
signed Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie for a second season of "The Simple
Life". They're going to send them someplace else they'll be out of place
besides a farm. Hey, how about a library?"
--Jay Leno
________________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Congress Raises Executive Minimum
Wage To $565.15/Hr
WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved a
bill to increase the executive minimum wage from $515.15 to $565.15 an hour,
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday. The move marks the
first increase in the wage since 1997.
"This is good news for all Americans who work in the upper levels of
commerce," DeLay said. "Almost a third of America's hard-working
executives toil at corporations day after day, yet still live below the luxury
line. It was about time we gave a boost to the American white-collar worker."
The wage was calculated to help
executives meet the federal standard-of-easy-living mark of $1.1 million a
year. DeLay said that, although his goal is to ultimately reach an executive
minimum wage of $800 per hour, he was satisfied with what he characterized as a
"stop-gap measure."
"Many of the thousands of
Americans overseeing the nation's factories, restaurant chains, and retailers
can't even afford a jet," DeLay said. "It's our long-term goal to
ensure that no one who sees to it that others work hard for a living will have
to go without the basic necessities of the good life."
Under the new law, the
executive-minimum salary will increase to more than $1.175 million a year, plus
mandatory overtime for executives who work more than seven minutes after 5
p.m., on holidays, outside of their home offices, or from a limousine or
non-chartered private aircraft. A separate section of the bill includes
concessions for second- and third-housing credits, as well as single-player
health-spa coverage.
Top executives nationwide have
repeatedly called for wage increases in recent years.
"Our lifestyles are expensive
to maintain," Boeing senior vice-president of international relations Tom
Pickering said. "The costs of even the most basic executive
transportation, food, and clothing are staggering. Since 1993, the average cost
of maintaining a household of six, including a butler, a cook, a maid, a
driver, and a groundskeeper, has increased by 14 percent. All this, even after
we work our fingers to the bone for hundreds of hours a year, painstakingly
assembling our benefits packages. It shouldn't have to be this hard."
Some executives called for even more
support, in the form of increased benefits and reimbursements.
"Well, it's a good start,"
said Abby Kohnstamm, IBM senior vice-president of marketing. "But I still
don't get a transportation allowance for my company-owned limo. And no one has
addressed the fact that almost 8 percent of my income disappears after taxes."
Nick Scheele, Ford president and
chief operating officer, said he looks forward to February 2004, when the wage
increase is slated to take effect.
"It's about peace of
mind," Scheele said. "Executives like myself are sick of living
quarterly statement to quarterly statement, forced to check our bank balances
before every little real-estate purchase. We're not asking for the world, just
the overseas vacations that we so desperately need."
The pay hike marks a rare instance
of bipartisan cooperation in one of the most polarized congresses in U.S.
history. In the U.S. Senate, only Russ Feingold (D-WI) and John McCain (R-AZ)
opposed the bill.
"This proves that politicians
can work together when it involves the welfare of the citizens most responsible
for keeping them in office," U.S. Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) said.
"Those of us who hold higher office don't ever forget where we came from,
and how we got where we are today. This wage hike is our way of giving
something back to the American people who are most important."
(Ha! Fooled You! THis HAS to be a 'National Lampoon' or 'Onion' article....)
**********
Piercing record holder fears robbery
of studs
Wed 12 November, 2003 23:27
SAO PAULO, Brazil (Reuters) - The
Brazilian woman with the most body piercings in the world -- 1,903 -- fears
returning to her crime-ridden home country as she would attract so much
attention she could be robbed.
"The last time I went to
Brazil, I had to wear a face mask because since I have a lot of jewellery (pierced
to the skin), I fear being robbed or attacked," Elaine Davidson told
Reuters from Edinburgh in Britain where she lives.
Brazil has one of the highest crime
rates in the world.
Davidson, who has been outside her
home country for 10 years, won an entry in this year's Guinness World Records
book after starting to pierce herself four years ago. In Edinburgh she runs a
Brazilian restaurant.
She considers feeling pain a
motivating factor in her life and says she also walks on beds of nails, fire
and bits of glass.
"I like pain, I love
pain," she said, explaining that she now wants to surpass exceed 2,000
body piercings.
Her genitalia is the body part where
she has the largest number of piercings -- 500 in all, externally and
internally.
"It hurts in the chest as
well," she said. "I had to take some out because of the silicone, the
doctor asked."
**********
Dilemma as rare birds devour rare
fish
Thursday, November 13, 2003 Posted: 1422 GMT (10:22 PM HKT)
BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A
protected species of bird is devouring rare fish in the German state of Bavaria
and creating a dilemma for local officials who now want federal permission to
kill birds that once appeared headed for extinction.
The population of cormorants --
black, long-beaked fishing specialists which can stay underwater for up to 30
seconds -- has ballooned to over 6,000 in the Alpine state.
And they are feeding on rare fish
species such as grayling and pearl fish, which are unique to the region, German
officials said.
"The problem is that a
protected bird is eating protected fish," a spokesman for the Bavarian
environment ministry said this week.
Eager to save the fish from
extinction in the wild, Bavaria has asked the federal government for permission
to reduce the bird population, for example by shooting them or taking their
eggs. It is also seeking help from the European Union.
"As the birds migrate from
other countries we need a European-wide ruling for it to be effective,"
said the environment ministry spokesman.
The cormorant population has been
growing in Germany since the bird was put under European Union-wide protection
in the early 1980s when it appeared headed for extinction.
"My fishery loses some 40 tons
of fish a year to the cormorants," said Holmer Lex, 75, who owns a fishery
on the Chiemsee. "We only produce 90 tons a year."
"The Chiemsee is the only lake
in Germany that has pearl fish," Lex said. "They have died out in the
lake, but we're trying to raise them now."
The regional government ordered the
cormorant population in the Chiemsee to be cut in half last year, but rejected
a request put forward by Lex and others to halve it again this year.
"Cutting the population of
birds will help solve the problem over the medium term," Born said.
