Subject: Daily Dose - 040403 - Two nuns, BIZARRE NEWS, possum jowls, DDL,
Rotten News
Two nuns decide they're going to
sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all
the bars and dance clubs, and then decide they've finally got to head back to
the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they
have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on
their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the
second and says, "I feel like a Marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me
too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
_______________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Age-Old Cures
Urinating in an open grave cures
incontinence.
Passing a child three times under
the belly of a donkey cures whooping cough.
Touching a corpse's hand cures a
sore throat.
Stick an elder twig in your ear and
wear it night and day to cure deafness.
Carry a child through a flock of
sheep to cure respiratory problems.
To cure fever, place the patient on
a sandy shore when the tide is coming in. The waves will carry away the
disease.
A cork under the pillow at night
cures cramps.
Rubbing the grease off church bells
into your body cures shingles.
Tying a hairy caterpillar in a bag
around a child's neck cures whooping cough.
Throwing a dung beetle over your
shoulder cures a stomach ache.
***
A Little Over the Top
BOSTON - A businessman in Maine is
hoping to perk up his customers with more than just a cup of coffee - by hiring
topless waitresses.
Norman St Michel applied with the
town of Madison, Maine, to open a topless coffee bar called the Heavenly Angels
Coffee Shop. "He has the go-ahead as far as the town is concerned,"
said Robert Dunphy, the town's code enforcement officer.
St Michel must now make sure the
business is accessible to handicapped customers and compliant with fire safety
standards. Although the city doesn't require the shop to have an age limit, St
Michel has decided to only admit those 18 or over. "Not everyone wants
(the coffee shop) but the age limit makes most everyone happy," Dunphy
said.
The Heavenly Angels Coffee Shop is
set to open during the summer.
***
Just Pulling His Leg
FREDRICKSBURG, Va. - A Virginia man
has been charged with pulling off a neighbor's prosthetic leg and beating him
with it during an argument.
The fight started when the victim,
Michael Clapp, 38, discovered a bottle of medicine missing from his Townsend
Boulevard apartment Wednesday night, The Free Lance Star of Fredricksburg, Va.,
reported Friday. Clapp suspected his neighbor, 27-year-old Rodney Prophitt, and
went next door to confront him, city police spokesman Jim Shelhorse said. Upon
being confronted, Prophitt knocked Clapp to the ground, then pulled off Clapp's
artificial leg and struck him with it several times.
"At some point, Clapp was able
to grab his leg back, get back to his apartment and call 911," Shelhorse
said.
Police charged Prophitt with
felonious assault and petty larceny. Clapp was treated at Mary Washington
Hospital for a broken nose and other facial injuries.
***
Keeping an Eye on Him
DUNCAN, Okla. - A man had such a
hard time parting with his glass eye that he had it refitted into a ring.
Michael Burton had the artificial
eye for 35 years because of an industrial accident and recently had to have it
refitted. Since he didn't want to just dispose of it, he took it to jeweler Al
Nix.
"That eye cost me two-thousand
dollars 35 years ago," Burton said. "It took three days for people to
hand-paint that eye. To throw it away would be like buying a new car and just
taking my old car to the dump. I guess it's like they say -- one man's trash is
another man's treasure."
Nix put together a design team that
designed a ring incorporating the odd shape of the artificial eye. It took the
team about four weeks to set the eye and another four to complete the ring.
Three ounces of gold set the eye as a stone.
Burton was delighted with the
result.
***
An Offer That's Out of this World
TAIPEI, Taiwan - Taiwan is running
out of space for new cemeteries and fears it will not have enough room to
accomodate its dense population. The Houston-based Celestis Inc. has come up
with a solution for Taiwan's problem - sending people's remains into space.
The firm signed a deal with one of
Taiwan's largest funeral homes, Baushan Enterprise, to offer "space
burials" to the Taiwanese. Robert Tysor, chief executive of Celestis,
explained that the ashes are packed into an aluminum tube and shot into space
on commercial rockets from bases in the U.S. and Russia.
The tube orbits Earth once every 90
minutes before returning to the planet and burning up. Space burials cost about
400,000 New Taiwan dollars (US$12,000). Families also have the option of
sending their loved one's ashes to the moon's surface for about NT$1 million
(US$30,000).
_______________________
A diner at a country inn is shocked
to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup."
He summons a waiter to complain.
The waiter looks at the menu. Then
he flings it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the
printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"
________________________
"Remember...a developer is
someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone
who already owns a house in the woods."
--Dennis Miller
[I love this quote.]
***
"President Bush says he wants
to give green cards to illegal immigrants who are willing to take jobs
Americans will not take. I understand because of this there's now a new act in
Vegas: Ziegfried & Jose."
--Jay Leno
***
"It's so humiliating to go on
job interviews, especially when they ask, 'What was the reason you left your
last job?' Well, I found that after I was fired there was a lot of tension in
the office. You know, I found it difficult sitting on the new girl's lap."
--Caroline Rhea
________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
A leg for a leg, orders sharia court
January 07 2003 at 05:47AM
By Goddy Ikeh
Lagos - A Muslim court in northern
Nigeria has ordered that a 45-year-old man's leg be amputated as punishment for
doing the same to his wife.
The Upper Sharia in the town of
Bauchi made the order against Adamu Hussaini Maidoya, who cut off the right leg
of his wife, Amina. He accused her of infidelity, after "over
exposing" herself to a doctor to get an injection.
Judge Alhaji Abdu Yerima ordered
that the convict's right leg be amputated at the knee and that the person or
doctor who executes the sentence should not administer anaesthetic or
painkillers.
The judge quoted relevant sections
of the Holy Quran and the Hadith to support his judgment and gave the convict
30 days to file an appeal.
"He must experience similar
pain his wife went through when he cut off her right leg from the knee,'' the
judge ruled.
Shortly before sentencing, Amina
Hussaini, who just been discharged from the Bauchi specialist hospital, told
the court how on August 21 2002 her husband accused her of infidelity,
overpowered her and cut her right leg off at the knee with a sharp machete.
Amina, who had been married to the
accused for about 20 years and has eight children, including four-month-old
twins, prayed for justice.
Maidoya, who wept profusely during
the trial, pleaded guilty but pleaded for forgiveness, saying his act was
destined by God. Maidoya, a trader, also told newsmen he was neither insane nor
under the influence of alcohol when he cut off his wife's leg. - Independent
Foreign Service
*********
Rotten Days In History
Feb 20 1984
Ballerina Julia Pak marries the
ghost of Sun Myung Moon's dead son, Heung Jin Moon, in a tasteful
necro-ceremony. The couple were engaged to be married, but a car accident in
December intervened. Unfortunately in the Moonie religion, only married couples
may enter Heaven, hence the need for this awkward rite.
Feb 27 1992
Trying to get the lid off her
McDonald's coffee to add cream and sugar, 79-year-old Stella Liebeck
accidentally splashes the 180-degree liquid on herself, causing third-degree
burns to the thighs, genitals, and buttocks. After skin graft surgery and weeks
of recuperation, Liebeck asks McDonald's to turn down the temperature of their
coffee and pay $20,000 to defray her hospital bills. McDonald's tells the old
lady to fuck off, as they had done for a decade of similar burn claims.
Ultimately, a jury awards Liebeck $2.9 million in the resulting lawsuit, which
immediately triggers a renewed call for legislative tort reform.
Feb 26 1974
A U.S. Senate report reveals Ford
Motor's involvement in Nazi Germany's war efforts, for which CEO Henry Ford
received the Grand Cross of the German Eagle from Adolf Hitler himself. After
the war, the car company was paid nearly $1M reparation by the U.S. government
to compensate for one of its plants that was bombed within the Reich.
Feb 23 1942
The first Japanese attack on the
U.S. mainland occurs when an I-17 submarine fires 13 shells at an oil refinery
near Goleta, Southern California. $500 damage was inflicted. It was not clear
why this target was chosen until much later, when it was found that the
commander of this particular submarine had visited the site in the 1930's and
stumbled into a field of prickly pear cactus. Captain Nishino never forgave the
ridicule he received from his American hosts that day.
Jan 18 1998
An advertisement in Norway's primary
daily newspaper Verdens Gang today depicted a used tampon made to resemble the
Japanese flag, with the caption "We wish the female participants luck in
Nagano" (the site of the 1998 Winter Olympics). The Japanese Embassy in
Oslo has filed a protest.
Jan 14 1998
Jewish extremists Avigdor Eskin and
Haim Pakovich are charged in a plot to catapult a pig's head containing the
Koran into Jerusalem's Dome of the Rock mosque, in order to spark tensions
between Jews and Arabs. It is the latest in a series of pig and pighead
incidents by Jewish agitants.
***********
Wed, Jan 07, 2004
Burglar delivers himself to house in box
BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - A young
Colombian thief hid in a parcel delivered to a wealthy home but his planned
burglary went wrong when suspicious security guards called in bomb disposal
experts, police say.
Guards at the condominium in the
city of Medellin feared the strange, heavy package dropped off by a private
vehicle could explode and phoned for help in Monday's incident, a police
spokesman said on Tuesday.
Police got a shock when a hand
holding a knife punched through the cardboard as the panicked thief shouted he
could not breathe.
Police unpacked the parcel to find
the gasping 24-year-old criminal, together with a gun, ropes and a ski mask.
The house's owners fired their maid,
to whom the box had been addressed, police said, although she has not been
charged with being an accomplice.
