Subject: Daily Dose - 040329 - Nine-one-one, BIZARRE NEWS, interesting t-shirts, DDL, Rotten News

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone, North and Foster. Damn......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Animals

The Sphinx cat, bred from a Canadian mutation, is virtually hairless and has a damaged spine which results in a hopping walk.

The crop pigeon is bred with an over-sized crop and absurdly long feathers on its feet. The crop can't be cleaned naturally and the bird finds walking difficult.

Position canaries are bred to resemble the figures 1 and 7. Parts of their bodies are featherless and their over-stretched tendons mean they shift continually from foot to foot.

The munchkin cat has short hind legs and three-inch front legs. It can barely jump, can't groom itself and suffers from premature aging of its long spine.

A German breed of lop-eared rabbit has ears as long as its body, making walking difficult.

Persian cats are bred to have 'piggy' faces. The nose is little more than a stump.

The shar pei, a dog designed in the U.S. from a Chinese strain, is bred for its wrinkles.

Mutant goldfish are deliberately bred with large growths on their faces.

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Needed a Change in Diet

BOSTON - Doctors were shocked to discover the reason for a patient's sore belly: He had swallowed about 350 coins - $650 worth - along with some necklaces and needles.

The man went to the emergency room complaining of stomach pain and that he could not eat or move his bowels. His family told doctors that he sometimes swallowed coins, and a few had been removed from his stomach before.

Doctors were still taken aback to see the huge mass in his stomach that turned out to weigh 12 pounds - so heavy that it had forced his stomach down between his hips. Five days after his arrival, doctors cut him open and removed his damaged stomach with its contents. He died 12 days later from complications.

One of his doctors, Bruno Francois, said that he had been swallowing coins for about a decade despite his family's attempts to keep coins and jewelry away from him. "When he was invited and came in some homes, he liked to steal coins and eat them," Francois said.

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A Little Tied Up at the Moment

BERLIN - A German bondage fetishist was practicing at home when he got so chained up that he had to call police to come release him.

Police arrived at the home and received no answer until the man came to the window and threw out the house keys with his teeth. The officers were greeted by the sight of a heavily-chained man waddling towards them on his knees with his head down, wearing only shiny black leather and white socks.

"To visualise the appearance of the afflicted party, one would have to imagine a penguin of waist-height waddling with slightly protruding wings," Aachen police said in a statement.

Police were able to release the man using their own handcuff keys. "We suggested in the future that he go to places where that sort of thing might cost a bit more, but would definitely be safer for him," the spokesman said.

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Dinner Started With a Bang

HOWARD, Wis. - A man and his wife had to duck behind their refrigerator when bullets began exploding in their oven.

According to Captain Craig Kohlbeck of the Brown County Sheriff's Department, the husband had placed the ammunition and three handguns in the oven before they went on vacation. He explained to the officers that he thought the items would be safer there if somebody broke into their home while they were away.

When they returned from their trip on Tuesday, the wife turned on the oven to make dinner and the bullets ignited, causing the couple to take shelter behind the fridge.

Luckily, nobody was injured.

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Bovine Buffoonery

NEWMARKET, England - British magistrates have convicted a Newmarket woman of giving false information by registering her cows to vote.

The East Cambridgeshire District Council said it was the second year running that Brenda Gould had listed animals on her registration form, the BBC reported Thursday. Gould, who last year registered cows Henry and Sophie Bull and her dog, Jake Woofles, was fined $190 and ordered to pay $208 costs.

Gould said she and her husband became irritated when the council sent a voter registration form to the occupants of their barn. "We have this barn where we keep two cows and we had a letter addressed to the occupants of the barn," she said. "We ignored it and then someone came around to ask why we hadn't filled it in. We just thought they were being stupid. "We didn't tell any lies. We just put down the names of the animals."

The Goulds said they wouldn't be repeating the prank.

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WASHINGTON POST columnist, runs a column each summer listing interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

(On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

LIFE IS SHORT. . MAKE FUN OF IT.

I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILING PROBLEM.

I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?

PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.

I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.

IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.

WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. (Hey, they have one for me!)

MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE" I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.

CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.

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DDL

There was a young lady of Tottenham,
Her manners--she'd totally forgotten'em.
While at  tea at the Vicar's
She took off her knickers
Explaining she felt much too hot in 'em.

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"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
--Sam Levenson

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"To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in."
--Doris Lilly

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God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
--Garrison Keiller

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Rotten News....  (true)

Tue, Jan 13, 2004
Mustache Means Money, Authority for Police  

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - Police in northern India are being paid an extra 65 cents a month to grow a mustache to give them more authority, a newspaper reported on Tuesday.

Mayank Jain, a superintendent with the Madhya Pradesh state police, told The Asian Age that research showed that police with mustaches were taken more seriously.

However, he added, the shape and style of police mustaches would be monitored to ensure they did not take on a mean look.

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Mon, Jan 12, 2004
Plugging in Earns Reprimands for Two   

TOKYO - Stealing juice can be a costly endeavor in Japan.

Police have nabbed two Japanese men for siphoning off electricity in heists worth less than 1 cent each, an official said Sunday.

A 38-year-old man was caught red-handed by a patrolling police officer last September after unplugging a business' neon sign and using the electricity to recharge his mobile phone.

The other culprit, a 22-year-old university student, was giving a street performance in November when he unplugged a vending machine in order to power his portable stereo. A police officer was alerted after local residents complained about the noise.

Police said they could not let the incidents slide, even though the men are believed to have stolen $0.0094 worth of electricity. Both men confessed and have gotten off with reprimands.

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Germany invents "anti-ageing" beer  
Fri Jan 9,12:08 PM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German brewery has developed a beer containing vitamins and minerals it says are designed to slow the ageing process.

The Neuzeller Kloster Brewery plans to introduce its "Anti-Aging-Bier" this year and sell it in grocery and drug stores, a spokesman for the company said on Friday.

"It tastes like beer more than it tastes like anything else," the spokesman told Reuters.

The brewery said the beer contained a host of added ingredients that promote good health. But the German government may object to the brewery calling the drink "beer" since a law dating back to 1516 says beer brewed in Germany can only be made from barley, hops, yeast and water.