Subject: Daily Dose - 040328 - check my leg, THIS is TRUE, tackle box, DDL, Rotten News

A man goes into the doctor.  He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong.  Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."  The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it.  There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars.  Lend me 5 buck please if you will."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said.  "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.  "I can make a well educated guess though.  Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

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THIS is TRUE....

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME: Economists in San Diego County, Calif., are worried about local housing prices. The median price for all types of housing has hit $393,000, a record-setting nine times average annual wages. When mortgage rates rise, many will be stretched beyond their limits, they warn. Michael Carney, the director of the Real Estate Research Council of Southern California, put it this way: "Trends which are unsustainable have a tendency to come to an end." (San Diego Union-Tribune)
...So now you can relax, knowing that experts like that are watching out for your interests.

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LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: Doctors in Romania removed a tumor from Lucica Bunghez, 47, who suffers from neurofibromatosis. The tumor, which started growing when Bunghez was 22, weighed 175 pounds. After it was removed, Bunghez weighed just 88 pounds. A team of doctors from Romania and the U.S. took 10 hours to remove it. "She is very well," says Dr. Ioan Lascar of the Floreasca Hospital in Bucharest. "The lack of the tumor really suits her." (Reuters, AP)
...Dr. Lascar, of course, worked his way through medical school as a shoe salesman.

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CLASS CUT-UP: "Show and Tell" was a bit different recently at Fairview Elementary School in Fox Chapel, Penn. One student's father is a neurosurgeon, Dr. Michael Horowitz, who brought an arm to show the kids. A real arm, from a cadaver. "An arm? That would be upsetting even to adults," said the Allegheny County coroner, who suggested "a simple, two dimensional chart" might have been more appropriate. Several fifth graders fainted or felt ill when shown the arm, and a number of parents complained. Horowitz said he's brought eyes, ears and brains in the past without any complaints. (AP)
...Right, those aren't a problem. But zero tolerance rules are very strict about arms on campus.

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INTERNATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: A survey of Britons found that 65 percent couldn't name the city that the musical "Chicago" was set in. And 57 percent could not name the locale of the popular TV show "Dallas", 64 percent don't know where the French Alps are, and 70 percent don't know where the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra is based. But don't conclude Britons only focus their sights close to home: 66 percent don't know what city the popular Roger Whittaker song "Streets of London" refers to either. (AFP)
...The sun has officially set on the British Empire.

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IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL: "Man Admits Stuffing Shrimp into Pants"
-- AP headline

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On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup. "Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"

My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box. As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."

____________________________

DDL

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night."

______________________________

"The other week I went to see my doctor .. I was in the waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of the typewriter."
--Arthur Brown

***

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."
--Jack Handey

***

"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'Woman'."
--Steven Wright

______________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Suspect item shuts down jetport

By DAVID HENCH, Portland Press Herald Staff Writer

A long line of travelers waits to go through passenger screening Tuesday at the Portland International Jetport. More than 300 passengers on eight flights were delayed when the terminal was evacuated, but travelers were good-natured and understanding, said Robert Dyer of the Transportation Security Administration. 

An electronic bagpipe packed in a length of PVC pipe looked so much like a bomb on an X-ray machine screening baggage that officials evacuated Portland International Jetport for more than an hour Tuesday morning.

The airport was shut down at 6 a.m. after one of the Transportation Security Administration passenger screeners spotted a suspicious item in the carry-on luggage of a middle-aged local businessman. The Maine State Police bomb squad was called in, and the man was interviewed by the FBI and by Portland and state police before the airport reopened at 7:45 a.m.

More than 300 passengers on eight flights were delayed, but transportation officials characterized the response as appropriate.

"Everything was by the book," said Portland Transportation Director Jeff Monroe.

Security officials say they believe the Portland man couldn't have known how the instrument would look when X-rayed.

"He didn't do anything wrong technically," said Robert Dyer, TSA's security chief for the jetport. "We've never seen one before."

The incident delayed six flights and canceled a flight bound for Albany, N.Y.

The electronic bagpipe chanter consists of a cylinder with a thin metal mouthpiece at one end and a battery compartment at the other with wires connecting the components. Bagpipers often use the electronic chanter to practice because it is much smaller than traditional bagpipes.

In this case, the instrument's components were packed in a protective case that consisted of white PVC pipe and caps on both ends.

"That is a common way to carry a practice chanter around. That's how I keep my chanters when I'm not using them," said Susan Mack, a bagpipe instructor from Pownal. An electronic bagpipe makes sense for travelers, she said, because you can wear headphones to play it without disturbing anyone.

But to a wary passenger screener, the pipe looked every bit a pipe bomb and had the things screeners watch for — something resembling a blasting cap, a container of explosive, and a timer or battery to initiate the explosion.

Flights began reboarding at 7:45 a.m. Despite the ordeal, people were good-natured and understanding, Dyer said.

"We didn't have one complaint from a passenger," he said.

Monroe said the incident serves as a reminder for passengers to consider what they are packing in carry-on luggage.

He urged passengers to notify screeners if they are carrying items that might be considered suspicious before they subject them to the X-ray machine.

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Wed, Jan 14, 2004
EBay Pulls Plug on Auction of W.Va.   

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. - An attempt to auction off the state of West Virginia drew 56 bids and nearly enough promised dollars to fill the state's projected budget hole before eBay learned of the joke.

By Tuesday evening, with five days to go in the sale of item number 2372779353, "Entire State of West Virginia," bidders had bumped the ante up to just $1 short of $100 million.

"As an eBay consumer myself ... that's a heck of a bargain!" joked Amy Shuler Goodwin, spokeswoman for Gov. Bob Wise, who's projecting a $120 million deficit for fiscal 2005.

The seller, identified only as "fishstuffnthings," did not immediately respond to e-mails late Tuesday. Nor did "nosnam1488," who was the high bidder.

Within minutes, the auction was unplugged and the state was "no longer available."

"Obviously, this buyer doesn't have the goods to sell," said Chris Donlay, spokesman for the San Jose, Calif.-based online auction company.

But for "fishstuffnthings," it was fun while it lasted, despite some misspellings:

"I, as emperor of West Virginia, have been appointed as steward of this sale," he wrote. "You are bidding on the ENTIRE STATE of West Virginia. Please note that this auction does not come with governing rites, nor the inhabitants of said property. You also may not change the state flag, bird, or so on. This is merely for bragging rights, or to hang a sign in your garage that says, 'I own West Virginia.' Also please note, you will have every right to succeed from the union, but that has been tried in the past without much success. I am also willing to relinquish the seat of `Emperor' FOR FREE!"

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Wed, Jan 14, 2004
Rig Spills 40,000 Pounds of Sauce in Ohio   

ZANESVILLE, Ohio - A stretch of Interstate 70 was turned into a shallow sea of red sauce, dented cans and broken bottles when a tractor-trailer rig carrying Del Monte tomato products overturned.

The truck spilled 40,000 pounds of ketchup, tomato juice and spaghetti sauce over the eastbound lanes of the freeway west of here on Tuesday.

Traffic had to be rerouted via U.S. 40 while workers spent three hours clearing the mess. Ten Falls Township firefighters helped in the cleanup, loading the debris into dump trucks and using their hoses to flush away the sauce and juice.

State troopers said the accident occurred when a car drifted into the left lane and struck the semi. Neither driver was hurt.

A food pantry in Zanesville benefited from the mishap. About 1,500 pounds of mixed vegetables, ketchup and spaghetti sauce salvaged from the wreckage were delivered to Christ's Table.

"It saves us a lot. It's a bunch of stuff we didn't have to spend money to buy," said John Willhelm, kitchen supervisor at Christ's Table, which serves lunch to about 300 people daily and provides food to needy families.