Subject: Daily Dose - 040323 - shipwrecked golfer, THIS is TRUE, preacher's dog, DDL, Rotten News

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone.

"Quite a layout," said the officer in charge of the rescuers.

"You're too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."

_____________________________

THIS is TRUE

BANK BRANCH: A customer who had just withdrawn 1,000 euros (US$1,260) from a bank in Lisbon, Portugal, was confronted by a man who shouted "This is a robbery!" and grabbed the money. He was armed with a tree branch. Other customers, not terribly intimidated by the branch, tackled the unnamed 46-year-old robber, beat him up, and held him for police. A police spokesman said officers "have never dealt with thieves trying to rob banks with branches before." (AFP)
...It's just a sad indication that amateur thieves don't grasp the concept behind "stick-ups".

***

LOOPHOLE ARTIST: After his rape conviction, Thomas Ingrassia, 47, was sent to a "civil commitment unit" for sex offenders in Farmington, Mo. Ingrassia cut through the fence and escaped, leaving the local sheriff "flabbergasted" when he learned state law prohibited escape from prisons and criminal mental health facilities, but not the sex offender facility. "I had researched it," Ingrassia said following his capture after two years on the lam. "Missouri's so quick to make up laws without researching whether it's proper. They're idiots." The only charge he currently faces is property damage -- for cutting the facility's fence to escape. (St Louis Post-Dispatch)
...Perhaps the legislature can serve the rest of his sentence.

***

OVERDRAWN: When a man stepped up to a teller at a bank in Vancouver, Wash., he didn't show or imply he had a weapon, but he handed over a note demanding cash. The teller gave him some -- and hit the silent robbery alarm. But the man thought the teller was a bit stingy, so he asked for more. At that point, the bank's manager stepped up. He convinced the robber to go into a conference room with him to talk it over. When the robber stepped into the conference room, everyone in the bank -- including the manager -- "walked out the front," a police spokeswoman says. Cops surrounded the building and arrested Forrest W. Chasteen, 50. Since he didn't brandish a gun, he was charged with second-degree burglary. (Vancouver Columbian)
...An appropriate charge for a third-rate thief.

***

HOW ABOUT "PERFECTLY ADEQUATE"? "Great Wall Getting Less Great"
-- Reuters headline

_____________________________

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist.

They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible."

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.

That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?"

"Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

______________________________

DDL

There was a young man named McGee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee.
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.

______________________________

"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel

***

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

***

What did Mr. Potato Head say after he was attacked by the headhunters?

"I've been scalloped!"

______________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Fri, Jan 23, 2004
Sell Yourself with 'Body Bucks' Course  

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Selling yourself might be second nature for wannabe movie stars or aspiring screenwriters looking for a lucky break in California.

But now anyone can get lessons in how to, literally, sell their bodies and make big bucks.

"Body Bucks: How to Sell Your Body to Science While You're Still Alive," is the latest and wackiest course offered by the year-old online New Canoe University, based in Sausalito, just north of San Francisco.

"By selling bodily fluids and participating in medical experiments, a human being can earn $20,000 or more per year," said course instructor Bob Heyman on Thursday. "This is literally the only business out there where you can always carry your assets with you and they're renewable to boot."

Using Internet-based learning modules with titles like "Bleeding for Bucks," the course teaches students how to make money by legally selling their blood, sperm, eggs, hair and bone marrow, and by taking part in paid medical trials and research. The sale of vital organs is illegal in the United States.

New Canoe University (http://www.newcanoeu.com) expects the Body Bucks course to appeal mostly to the college-age crowd, or young people with more time on their hands than money.

The university specializes in Internet-based training courses in practical skills needed to set up unusual small or home-based businesses. Other upcoming course include "How to Become a Mystery Shopper" and "How to Become a Private Investigator."

**********

Aussies flock to annual cockroach race  
Sat Jan 17,10:10 PM ET 

By Belinda Goldsmith

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Gambling-mad Australians, teased for willingly betting on two flies crawling up a wall, have expanded their horizons -- now they're placing bets on cockroaches.

A record crowd of more than 7,000 punters is expected to attend the 23rd annual Cockroach Races in the east coast city of Brisbane on January 26, Australia's national day, with some bringing their own runners and others buying competitors there.

"More and more people are coming to town especially for this premier racing event, where everyone can be the owner of a thoroughbred," said organiser Richard Deery, general manager of Brisbane's Story Bridge Hotel that hosts the races.

As the story goes, the race dates back to the day 23 years ago when two old punters were sitting in the bar arguing over which suburb had the biggest and fastest cockroaches.

Australia is home to about 450 native species of cockroach, which are not pests and are mainly bush dwellers, and also has around six species of pest cockroach, most of them introduced from outside the continent and which now plague almost every house.

The two punters decided to race some roaches the next day -- and history was made.

Australians have the highest rate of gambling in the world, a passion dating back to when the first convict settlers, shipped out from Britain in 1788, reportedly bet on cards and dice.

Few Australians baulk at betting. The nation grinds to a standstill every year for the Melbourne Cup horse race and the nation's richest man, Kerry Packer, is an unrepentant gambler, known for spending millions at the baccarat table.

Last year's winner, Osama bin Liner, was lovingly reared by his owners who turned up on the day in full beards and headwear, dressed as the world's most wanted man.

Other past winners include Drain Lover, whose name plays on that of two-time Melbourne Cup winner Rain Lover, Millennium Bug and Guns'n Roaches, whose contestants modelled themselves on U.S. rock band Gun'N Roses, carrying their roaches in boxes shaped like tiny guitars.

**********

L.A. Sex Museum Chronicles the Ages   
Sat Jan 17, 8:31 PM ET
By JEREMIAH MARQUEZ, Associated Press Writer

LOS ANGELES - One look at Hollywood's newest tourist attraction and it's easy to mistake it for any number of adult shops along the popular Walk of Fame.

The nude pictures, sex toys and stag films aren't meant to arouse but to edify. This is, after all, the Erotic Museum, which pays tribute to all things sexual, from the tame to the tawdry.

It chronicles sex through the ages with nude abstracts by Pablo Picasso, erotic jade figurines from ancient China, vintage sex toys and sultry computer-animated dancers.

For nearly $13 for the price of admission, visitors can touch rubber toys or peruse patent applications for various oddball erotic inventions such as a diagram of a newfangled "female security device." No one under 18 is admitted.

Owners said Los Angeles, home to both mainstream movies and the adult film industry, seemed ideal for a museum celebrating erotica.

The Erotic Museum, just blocks away from the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Boulevard, distinguishes itself with a nod to celebrities. Among the highlights are a mosaic of Farrah Fawcett and a 56-year-old X-rated film that purportedly features a young Marilyn Monroe.