Subject: Daily Dose - 040322 - double-decker bus, BIZARRE NEWS, Kentucky
Love Poem, DDL, Rotten News
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta. The brunet the team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU VE GOT A DRIVER!"
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
Giving Birth to Grandchildren
Most grandmothers are more than willing to help out with taking care of their grandkids when the situation occurs. A 43-year-old woman went beyond the call of grandmother duties by giving birth to her twin grandchildren, who have yet to be named.
With the real mother able to produce healthy ovaries but minusa developed womb, a surrogate mother was searched for. After four years without finding a volunteer to carry her child, the woman's own mother stepped up and was proud to give birth to her daughter's children.
Now just sit back and wait for the redneck jokes to pour in.
*********
Swedes in Heat
Would you consider yourself an animal lover? If you live in Sweden, that description takes on a whole new meaning.
Defying moral and ethical standards, sex with animals is legal in the Scandinavian country. As a result, between 200 and 300 pets are injured every year due to sexual assaults by their owners.
And why is this act not illegal? After homosexual sex was decriminalized in 1944, the case for animal intercourse was raised and seen as comparably justified.
Since then, veterinarians estimate that every 20th cat or dog that receives treatment is there as a result of sexual assault.
*********
Which Crack Are We Talking About?
In perhaps one of the touchiest police standoffs of all time, a 20-year-old female suspected of dealing drugs battled police for 10 hours after she shoved some crack in a crack of her own.
After being spotted, the woman reached into her pants and a batch of suspected crack cocaine "disappeared". Unable to convince the woman to produce the evidence, she was taken to a San Francisco hospital for the drug's extraction.
However, non-compliance from the suspect and hospital staff forced a legal standoff that spanned almost half a day. Finally, after obtaining a "body cavity search warrant", police persuaded the suspect to give up and take out the contraband herself.
**********
A Lack of 'Evidence'
An Iowa man whose wife testified his penis was too small to be seen from 35 feet away now faces jail time for indecent exposure.
Doug Neece, 41, has been on trial for three charges of indecent exposure, the Quad City Times reported Friday. Part of his defense entailed having his wife testify that he is not well-endowed enough for a female postal worker to have seen his penis from about 35 feet.
That did not appear too convincing to the Scott County jury that took five hours to convict him.
Neece faces up to a year in jail on each charge and will be placed on the state's sex offender registry.
___________________________
Kentucky Love Poem
Susie Lee
done fell in love;
She planned to
marry Joe.
She was so
happy 'bout it all
She told her
Pappy so.
Pappy told
her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to
find another.
I'd just as
soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'
half brother"
So Susie put
aside her Joe
And planned to
marry Will.
But after
telling Pappy this,
He said,
"There's trouble still...
You can't
marry Will, my gal.,
And please
don't tell your Mother,
But Will and
Joe and several mo'
I know is yo'
half brother"
But Mama
knew and said, "My child,
Just do what
makes yo' happy.
Marry Will
or marry Joe.
You ain't no
kin to Pappy
__________________________
DDL
A gal with a
lisp came from Lytham,
A catholic, she
had to use rhythm,
When her dates
tried to mate,
'Twas their
fate to abate,
"Wait till
Thunday to therve me your jithm."
___________________________
"HBO is developing a new reality show called, "Trailer Park," where the whole thing takes place in a trailer park. Don't we have that already? It's called "Cops.""
--Jay Leno
***
"There
are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you
if you're broke."
--Unknown
***
Now cigar smoking is supposed to be cool for women. I say, 'God blass ya.' Really. Whenever I'm in an intimate situation with a pretty girl, I want her to remind me as much as possible of Edward G. Robinson."
--Richard Jeni
____________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Farmer Finds
Diamonds in the Rough
Mon Jan 19,
5:45 AM ET
NEW DELHI (Reuters) - It's not quite the goose that laid the golden egg, but an Indian diamond merchant's prize cow is producing bejeweled dung.
Dilubhai Rajput had stashed a bag of more than 1,700 small diamonds, worth almost $900, in a pile of hay at his home in Gujarat state, famous both for its dairy and diamond-cutting industries, but hadn't reckoned on the risk of a hungry cow, the Economic Times newspaper reported on Monday.
Now he's feeding the animal a diet of grass, grain, fruit and laxatives and has so far recovered 300 diamonds in three days.
"I am sure within a week I will retrieve all my diamonds," the paper quoted Rajput as saying.
It was unclear why he chose to hide the stones in the hay.
*********
Mon, Jan 19, 2004
Singaporeans Urged to Act Like Monkeys
SINGAPORE - People in strait-laced Singapore were urged Monday to act like monkeys — the Chinese zodiac sign for the coming Lunar year — for the sake of their country.
Singaporeans could foster an economic recovery this year by behaving more like monkeys, Deputy Prime Minister Tony Tan said in a Lunar New Year message reported in The Straits Times newspaper.
Chinese communities around the world will herald the start of the Year of the Monkey on Thursday. Chinese believe the monkey is clever, flexible, innovative and confident, but can also be selfish, jealous and vain.
"Be like a monkey. When things happen, you have to be nimble. Take advantage of opportunities, don't be cast down, but rise to the challenge if it does occur," Tan was quoted as saying.
Tan urged Singaporeans not to be daunted by the challenges of helping the city-state recover from its worst economic downturn. The SARS outbreak, the Iraq war and slumps in global manufacturing and air travel hit Singapore hard in 2003.
Singapore's economy grew 0.8 percent last year, but unemployment sits at a 17-year high of 5.9 percent.
Last year, in the Year of the Sheep — known in Singapore as the Year of the Goat — Prime Minister Goh Chok Tung issued a similar animal-themed call to arms when faced with "an imminent war in Iraq."
"In the year of the Goat, we must try to be like the mountain goat, sure-footed and hardy and able to move safely in a rocky environment," Goh said.
********
Thu, January 15, 2004
Chilling crime: Streakers in restaurant watch as their car, clothes stolen
SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) - Three men who went streaking through a Denny's restaurant were chilled and chagrined when they spotted a thief drive off in their getaway car, their clothes inside.
Naked in the 11 C weather, the three young men huddled behind cars in a parking lot until police arrived. "I don't think they were hiding. I think they were just concealing themselves," police spokesman Dick Cottam said.
The three entered the restaurant before daybreak Wednesday, wearing only shoes and hats. They left their car running so they could make a quick escape.
But the streakers watched through the windows as a man who had been eating inside the restaurant drove off in their car.
No charges were brought against the streakers.
"I think it was just three kids who decided to fool around," Cottam said. He added: "We always tell people to not leave their car running."