Subject: Daily Dose - 040321 - Great Country Songs, THIS is TRUE, Confucius
Says, DDL, Rotten News
Great Country Songs:
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And, The Number 1 Favourite Country Song Of 2003 Is :
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few
(I was alway partial to "I'd Rather Hear a Fat Girl Fart, Than a Pretty Boy Sing", and "I Stepped Into A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me".)
_______________________
THIS is TRUE....
ALL WRAPPED UP: When Chris Kirk, 33, went away on a business trip, his friend Luke Trerice, 26, took care of his Olympia, Wash., apartment for him. Kirk arrived back home to find everything in his place was wrapped in aluminum foil. Everything. The walls, the kitchen cabinets, even the spare change on his bedside table. Rolls of toilet paper were unrolled, wrapped, and rolled back up. "It went surprisingly fast," Trerice said of the project, which took 4,000 square feet of foil. "The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time." Trerice is "known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk said. How did he react when he first saw his home? "I heard him open the door and gasp," said a neighbor. (Olympia Olympian)
...Then, the inevitable scream: "Curses! Foiled again!"
********
PAGING PRIVATE WILLARD: Thanks to pile-ups of garbage in the streets, Israeli soldiers patrolling Hebron are having to contend with a growing rat problem. Two soldiers have been bitten recently, both in the head. The rodents are reportedly getting so large -- the size of cats -- the soldiers are now calling them "crats". One soldier says that lately, the crats "have been more frightening then the terrorists." (AP)
...Huh: President Bush has recently said much the same thing -- that lately the 'crats are a bigger problem than the terrorists.
********
ANGUISH FOR SALE: Julie Dalton, who worked for Lee County (Fla.) Property Appraiser Ken Wilkinson, charged her married boss with sexual harassment after their affair became public. After "months of negotiations," the county settled the case for $35,000 to compensate Dalton for the "mental anguish, injury to reputation and stigma" she claimed resulted from the affair. The affair has gone public again: Wilkinson, now divorced, and Dalton are together again. After an inquiry from the press, the couple repaid the county $36,200; a county official figures the extra $1,200 is interest. (Ft Myers News-Press)
...Not at all. As the County Appraiser, it's his job to overvalue everything he sees.
********
GONE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE: "Honestly, I don't think she knew what to do with them," said detective Ed Krahwinkel, investigating the $2,500 theft from a hospital exhibit in Owensboro, Ky. Stolen: 50 antique glass eyes. Arrested: Melissa Jane Wink, 36. (Louisville Courier-Journal)
...Quick work, thanks to an eyewitness.
********
METHINKS THOU DOST PROTEST TOO MUCH: A man called 911 from his cell phone inside an electronics store in San Marcos, Calif., to complain the store's clerk refused to return his credit cards. San Diego County Sheriff's deputies found at least one of the cards were fake. Michael Broome, 20, who had made the call, was arrested, and two other men from what they called a "sophisticated" identity theft ring have also been arrested. The trio face multiple felony counts, including conspiracy, burglary, grand theft, identity theft, possession of stolen credit cards and manufacturing fraudulent credit cards. (San Diego Union-Tribune)
...Makes you shudder to think about the "unsophisticated" crooks, doesn't it?
********
IF YOU'VE
SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL: "Man Admits Stuffing Shrimp into
Pants"
-- AP headline
___________________________
Confucius Says....
- it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
- man who jizz in cash register, come into money.
- man who finger girl having period, caught red handed.
- man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
- man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
- man who go to bed with itchy asshole, wake with stinky finger.
- learn to masturbate, come in handy.
- war not determine who right, war determine who left.
- naked man fear no pickpocket.
- squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
- two wrong not make right, two right make U turn.
_____________________________
DDL
A blue
little boy from Lansing
couldn't find a
partner for dancing.
So he bared his
dick
in a final vain
trick,
and won a loose
lass for romancing!
______________________________
"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat."
--Jay Leno
***
"A man in Vermont was so angry at his girlfriend that he got in his car and gunned it into a coffee shop. It's good to see that Howard Dean is making a smooth transition."
--Craig Kilborn
________________________________
Rotten News... (true)
F*** THE NAZIS,
SAYS CHURCHILL'S PARROT
Jan 19 2004
By Bill
Borrows
SHE WAS at
Winston Churchill's side during Britain's darkest hour. And now Charlie the
parrot is 104 years old...and still cursing the Nazis.
Her favourite sayings were "F*** Hitler" and "F*** the Nazis". And even today, 39 years after the great man's death, she can still be coaxed into repeating them with that unmistakable Churchillian inflection.
Many an admiral or peer of the realm was shocked by the tirade from the bird's cage during crisis meetings with the PM. But it always brought a smile to the war leader's face.
Churchill bought Charlie - giving him a boy's name despite the fact she was female - in 1937. She took pride of place in a bizarre menagerie of pets including lambs, pigs, cattle, swans and, at one point, a leopard.
He immediately began to teach her to swear - particularly in company - and she is keeping up the tradition today.
The blue and gold macaw is believed to be Britain's oldest bird. The title was previously thought to belong to 80-year-old Cokky the cockatoo. But it can be proved Charlie is at least 104 and was born in the 19th century.
Peter Oram bought her for his pet shop after Churchill died in 1965. But he was forced to move her into his home after she kept swearing at children. For the last 12 years, she has lived at Mr Oram's garden centre in Reigate, Surrey.
Centre worker Sylvia Martin said: "If truth be told, Charlie is looking a little scruffy but she is very popular with the public. We are all very attached to her."
James Humes, an expert on the late PM, said: "Churchill may no longer be with us but that spirit and those words of defiance and resolve continue."
*********
Wed, Jan 21,
2004
Hospitals Plead
for Their Clothes Back
EDMONTON, Alberta (Reuters) - Western Canadian hospitals are losing hundreds of thousands of dollars each year as staff pilfer medical uniforms that have become a fashion statement thanks to U.S. television shows "ER" and "Scrubs," officials said.
Now, one medical agency is trying to cure the problem facing an already cash-strapped public health system by offering amnesty to doctors and nurses who return the blue medical uniforms, commonly called scrubs.
Edmonton's Capital Health Authority said its losses in the form of unreturned scrubs piled up to more than C$250,000 ($195,000) last year.
Hospitals in Calgary, Alberta, and Vancouver, British Columbia, are also seeing high volumes of the casual, loose-fitting garments disappear as they become permanent fixtures in wardrobes of medical professionals.
The Edmonton agency said it was encouraging staff to return uniforms to hospitals and clinics throughout the city by Feb. 6 with no questions asked. Money spent replacing Edmonton's missing medical attire would fund more than 500 MRI tests, two pediatric heart transplants or about 75 individual visits for chemotherapy.
The city's two main hospitals have also installed scrub dispensing machines that require staff to return the uniforms before they can receive a new set.
*********
Wed, Jan 21,
2004
Rabbi Offers
Prayer for Web Porn Browsers
JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli rabbi has composed a prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn web sites while browsing the Internet.
"Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work..., so that I shall be able to cleanse myself (of sin)," reads the benediction by Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the northern town of Safed.
Eliahu, quoted by Israel's largest daily newspaper Yedioth Ahronoth, said he had responded to a deluge of queries from Orthodox Jews worried that the lure of Internet sex sites was putting family relationships at risk.
The rabbi recommends that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet or even program it to flash up on their computer screens so they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.