Subject: Daily Dose - 040316 - what kind of job?, BIZARRE NEWS, Love me Tender, DDL, Rotten News

Careful - yet another culturally insensitive joke ahead....

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Mexican. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the crap out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returned to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican.

"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about getting a job."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Hollywood Insults

On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's card."

-Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' I liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember talking to him."

-Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler."

-Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't."

-Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater."

-Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more."

-Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch."

-Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's something interesting there."

-Burt Reynolds

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All Decked Out and Nowhere to Go

After Royal Olympic Cruises claimed bankruptcy and lost its navigational equipment to creditors, about 800 cruise ship passengers are now stranded in the Caribbean on the company's cruise ship, the Olympia Voyager.

The ship is anchored in St. Thomas and will "not be going anywhere anytime soon."

Creditors allegedly stopped the cruise ship on its voyage and repossessed computers and navigational equipment. The report featured John Haskell, a possible future passenger, who had bought cruise tickets with the company to tour the Amazon River.

"I'm disappointed that this happened, Haskell said. "I was looking forward to this cruise. It was going to come to around $5000 for the two of us. It was a good bargain."

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Germany to Jobless - Just Say Nothing

BERLIN - Germany has quietly accelerated an old tool in its fight against chronic unemployment -- coax the unemployed into not looking for work.

Under the plan, run by Germany's Federal Labor Office, a jobless person signs a document saying he or she no longer seeks work and, in exchange for thus helping lower the country's double-digit unemployment rate, gets unemployment benefits until their pension kicks in.

While the government denies it is accelerating the program, a source said officials recently sent a memo to the country's job centers setting a goal of 75 percent of all unemployed over 58 to sign on. Despite the denials, there has been a sudden rise in participation.

Since September, 373,100 workers have signed the document, up 20 percent from the year earlier figure. Analysts expect the number of jobless to top five million this winter.

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A New Type of Bang for his Crotch

ROME - In an attempt to get his ex-girlfriend to feel sorry for him, a Sicily man asked a friend to shoot him in the groin.

Police in the city of Piazza Armerina sensed something fishy when the 27-year-old went to the hospital with wounds from a hunting rifle's pellets in his crotch. He said that the wounds were a result of a hunting accident, but later admitted he had asked his friend, 16, to shoot him in an attempt to win back his girlfriend, who had left him because of his violent character.

The man's wounds are expected to heal. Police charged the man, and the 16-year-old, in connection with the shooting.

Reports reveal that the man's ex-girlfriend made it clear she never wanted to see him again.

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A Little Short Sighted

CORONA, Calif. - In an attempt to fight pornography, Pastor Craig Gross - who runs an anti-porn website called xxxchurch.com - has created the world's first anti-porn TV commercial.

The 30-second commercial details the adventures of a midget named Eddie with the moral being "porn stunts growth."

Although it isn't politically correct, Gross says that these days even the Lord must use the "Jackass" mentality to get His message across to the young men most likely to become addicted to porn.

Gross insists that he asked Eddie for his input before filming and the midget said he had done more degrading things. The anti-porn ad has run in Southern California on shows like "Howard Stern" and "The Man Show."

Gross hopes that anti-porn advocates will pay to have it air in other areas of the U.S.

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At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

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DDL

A bearded old biker named Charlie

Took a very long ride on his Harley.

He knew that his hog

Created no smog,

'Cause he ran it on hops and malt barley.

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"'I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.' There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that."

--Steve Martin as Navin R. Johnson in "The Jerk".

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"Former pro-wrestler Jesse Ventura is going to teach a class at Harvard. I didn't know that Harvard offered woodshop."

--Craig Kilborn

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"British researchers at the University of Leicester piped Duran Duran music into stalls at dairy farms to see if the stimulation makes the cows produce more milk. Reportedly, the cows have given more milk, but unfortunately, it all had an expiration date of March 4, 1986."

--Tina Fey

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Rotten News.... (true)

Fri, February 6, 2004

'Fawlty' hotelier criticized for refusing to serve tap water free

LONDON (AP) - Shades of Basil Fawlty.

A hotelier who wrote to a client explaining why she couldn't have a free glass of tap water was showered with bad publicity Friday, being compared in some British newspapers to John Cleese's ill-tempered hotel keeper on TV's Fawlty Towers. Sally Burchell, a guest at the Atlantic Hotel in Newquay, southwest England, complained to managing director Anthony Cobley that she was refused a glass of tap water with her meal, worth 18 pounds or about $42 Cdn.

Staff told her she would have to pay 80 pence (almost $2) for a small bottle of mineral water or two pounds (about $5) for one litre.

Cobley wrote back: "I buy water from the South West Water company. I buy the glasses that the water is served in. I buy the ice that goes into the water and I buy the labour to serve the water. I provide the luxury surroundings for the water to be drunk in and again pay for the labour and washing materials to wash the glass after you have used it, and you think that I should provide all of this free of charge! As regards your comment that you will not be returning to the Atlantic Hotel ever again, leaves me to say that customers who only drink water and complain about paying for it, I can certainly do without."

"This is like a letter from Basil Fawlty," The Daily Telegraph quoted Burchell as saying. "There were a lot of us there and we spent a lot of money on drinks between us. Some people were even staying the night so it seemed a little tight to charge me for water."

Martin Couchman, deputy chief executive of the British Hospitality Association, said Cobley was wrong.

"Looking after customers and making them feel happy is a major part of hospitality. One hopes that as part of customer after-care, people who write letters do so in such a way as to make customers feel as happy as possible," he said.

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Dog rape attempt goes astray

From correspondents in Bangkok

February 4, 2004

A THAI man was mauled when he drunkenly tried to rape a dog which fiercely resisted his advances, news reports said yesterday.

Police in Samut Prakan province, on Bangkok's southeastern fringes, told the Thai Rath newspaper that Toryip Rawang, 33, had been drinking heavily with friends before Monday's incident.

Toryip was questioned by police after residents of the area notified local authorities when they saw the bloodied man walking along a road. He told police he noticed a brown female stray dog wagging its tail and "acting sexy" and pulled it into some tall grass by the roadside.

But the dog resisted, biting him on his face, chest and arms before he gave up his attempt and tried to stagger home.

Under further questioning Toryip admitted to previously raping three dogs while he was under the influence of alcohol. He told police he always became aroused when he drank heavily but did not have enough money to pay a prostitute.

Police said Toryip had been given a rabies shot and was not charged with a crime, but he had fled his home in an apparent effort to avoid public ridicule.

AAP

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Wed, Jan 28, 2004

Danes Investigate Reported Jail Stand-Ins

By JAN M. OLSEN, Associated Press Writer

COPENHAGEN, Denmark - The Danish government Wednesday asked for an investigation following a news report that an organized crime network is offering to do time in prison in the place of well-off convicts sentenced for minor offenses.

"It is totally unacceptable if one can avoid doing time," Justice Minister Lene Espersen said. "It is a problem that I consider as a serious matter."

The Ekstra Bladet daily newspaper reported Wednesday that about 100 people have been standing in for others.

It costs up to $166 per day to have someone else serve one's time in jail. One stand-in candidate, identified by the tabloid only as Frank, said he had a fixed price of $1,666 per month.

The prison board was aware of six cases of "false inmates" over the past seven years, Espersen said.

"It is not a big problem," said William Rentzmann, the manager of Denmark's state Prison and Probation Service. Rentzmann suggested that the convicts' papers should contain a photo or their fingerprints.

When convicts arrive in prison, they can produce the National Civil Register card as sole identification. The card, which carries no photo or finger prints, is accepted everywhere in Denmark as official identity. To enter prison, the stand-ins use the convicted person's National Civil Register card and pretend to be that person.

In Denmark, using someone else's ID is punishable by up to one year in prison.