Rosebuds

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes!

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Facts About Celebrities

Marlon Brando used to wander so much on his way to kindergarten that his older sister Jocelyn had to take him to school on a leash.

Clark Gable is listed on his birth certificate as a girl.

As a child, Ann-Margaret's family was so poor that they had to live in a funeral parlor. She slept next to a casket every night.

Dudley Moore was born with a club foot. As a result, his left leg is shorter than his right.

Demi Moore was born cross-eyed.

Rita Hayworth was born with one eye much bigger than the other. She camouflaged it with specially constructed eye-lashes.

Jane Seymour was born with one green eye and one brown eye.

Hollywood tough guy Charles Bronson had a rather non-macho childhood. His family was so poor that he had to wear his sister's hand-me-down dresses to school.

***

A Fowl Mouthed Pet

LONDON - British war leader Winston Churchill's 104-year old parrot is still alive and kicking and refusing to speak to the media. A British newspaper tracked down the bird and found out it was still living.

"They've been trying to get him to talk all day, but he's not saying much," said Sylvia Martin, who manages Heathfield Nurseries where Charlie has lived for the last 12 years.

Charlie, who stayed with Churchill during World War II, was known for squawking obscenities about Hitler. Martin said that the bird has mellowed in his old age. "He doesn't say very much anymore -- usually just hello and goodbye. But he does get so excited about music and dances to it. He's very fit."

Charlie - who is actually a female - is now owned by Peter Oram, the owner of the garden center.

***

Change Will Do Him Good

Las Vegas cab driver Robert Baker won $3.2 million at a Las Vegas video slot machine at the Golden Nugget Hotel and Casino. Baker hit the jackpot on an Elvira, Mistress of the Dark Video Slots machine -- the largest hit ever on a nickel slot machine -- setting a new world record.

Baker says he will continue to drive his cab. "I need to take some time to figure out what I'm going to do from this point and going about my life as usual seems like the best way to keep my feet on the ground,"

Baker says in a statement. He says the only thing he knows for sure is that he'll fulfill a life-long dream to buy a Lincoln Town Car.

***

The Diamonds Went to Waste

NEW DELHI - An Indian diamond merchant is stuck with the crappy job of digging through cow dung after his prize cow swallowed over 1,700 small diamonds.

Dilubhai Rajput had stored the bag of diamonds, worth almost $900, in a stack of hay at his home in Gujurat state. He hadn't considered that his hungry cow would find the jewels and make them his meal.

The cow is now feasting on a diet of grass, grain, fruit and laxatives and Rajput has recovered 300 diamonds in three days.

"I am sure within a week I will retrieve all my diamonds," Rajput was quoted as saying. It was not known why he had chosen to hide the diamonds in the hay.

***

He'll Be Seeing Green

BELLEVILLE, CANADA - College student Colin McDonald won't have to worry about how much books cost or the price of rising tuition anymore. He was the winner of last Friday's $20 million Super 7 jackpot and plans on indulging his love of skiing and snowboarding for awhile before trying to find a job in the business world.

The 28-year-old student had the sole winning ticket for the Super 7 draw and went to Toronto to claim his winnings. He will "be putting the money somewhere safe and not rushing into anything."

When asked whether he would continue taking his Business Sales course at Loyalist College, he replied, "Probably not!"

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Two Old Ladies

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble.

He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting... We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed!"

___________________________

DDL

There once was a priest from Bings,

whose mind was on heavenly things,

but his earthly desire

was a boy on the choir

whose ass shook like Jello on springs.

___________________________

"I love nature, in spite of what it did to me!"

--Actress and singer BETTE MIDLER, joking about her larger-than-life personality.

***

"Sylvester Stallone has signed on for another Rocky movie, "Rocky 6." In this one, he's fighting glaucoma."

--Jay Leno

***

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four state troopers and a dog.

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Rotten News.... (true)

Posted 2/6/2004 11:46 AM

Woman's chastity belt set off airport security alarm

ATHENS (AFP) — When a 40-year old British woman set off a metal detector alarm at Athens airport, bemused security staff found that it was caused by a chastity belt she was wearing, officials said Friday, confirming a press report.

"It happened a few days before Christmas. The metal detector went off and after a further check we found out she was wearing a chastity belt," airport police official Dimitris Tzouvaras told AFP, confirming a report in the daily newspaper To Vima.

"The woman was allowed to fly on to London on the pilot's responsibility," Tzouvaras added.

According to the press report, the woman told police officers her husband had forced her to put on the belt to make sure she had no extra-marital affair during a brief visit to Greece.

Tzouvaras did not comment on that report.

*********

Sun, February 8, 2004

Men take to the streets of New York to demand freedom to wear skirts

NEW YORK (AP) - About 100 men in minis, midis and even tutus took to the streets of Manhattan to call for an end to the tyranny of trousers.

"We're not transvestites, homosexuals or cross-dressers," David Johnson told the New York Times for Sunday editions. "We don't want you to call us Jean or Sally. We're men - men who want the right to wear a skirt."

Johnson, a retired teacher from Poughkeepsie, N.Y., and the other pants opposers walked several blocks from the Guggenheim Museum to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where they visited an exhibit called Bravehearts: Men in Skirts. Their presence attracted confused looks from a few fellow visitors.

Ingemar Johnsson, 39, came from Sweden to join the march Saturday. He told the Times that men in Europe often wore skirts and pantaloons until the time of the French Revolution, when pants became the expected masculine attire. Others pointed out that Scottish men have donned kilts for centuries.

"The male bird is always the pretty one, not the female," another participant, 27-year-old Chris Taylor, told the Times. "Why can't the male human being dress with style and colour?"

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Woman Strikes Oil in Toilet

Fri Feb 6,11:05 AM ET

DALLAS (Reuters) - An East Texas woman struck oil a strange way when she came home to find her toilet gushing with the bubblin' crude.

Liela LeTourneau returned from her work as a nurse on Monday to find oil gushing out of everything in her house connected to the water drainage lines, including her kitchen sink and toilet.

The floor of her Longview residence was drenched with a thick coating of what locals call "Texas Tea."

Texas state and Longview city officials said on Thursday they believe that a mix-up in sewer lines connected to the house might be the cause of the oil spill.

"There was this black (ooze) coming out from my house. I thought, 'What have I left on? What has my son left on that's spilled over?'" LeTourneau told the local daily Longview News-Journal. She had moved into a rental home due to the oil spill and was not immediately available for comment.

Longview city officials said they believe the trouble was due to the residence being connected to a line used to dispose of saltwater instead of a sewage line. Saltwater disposal lines are used in the oil production process as a conduit to drain off liquids associated with that process -- mostly saltwater.

The saltwater disposal line became backed up, and oil seeped out of that line, turning the LeTourneau home into an oil patch, they said.

"I was always proud to have an oil derrick in my back yard. Every Texan should have one," she told the paper. "Now, I don't know."