AUTO REPAIR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

________________________

THIS is TRUE....

ROMPER, BOMPER, STOMPER, BOO HOO: Mary Ann King, 70, has been robbed. The Los Angeles host of the "Romper Room" children's TV show from 1966 to 1976, King had just left a restaurant in Industry, Calif., when she was accosted in the parking lot. Her purse and another bag were stolen; the bag contained her "magic mirror" prop from the show. The magic mirror, actually a frame with nothing inside, was used on the show to allow her to "see" the audience, calling out the kids' names. After the show ended, "people would recognize me and say, 'You never said my name'," King said. "I started carrying the mirror around with me so I could say their name." She figures the "hoodlums" discarded the prop, not knowing what it was. (Los Angeles Times)

...That's what happens when the "Don't Bees" grow up.

********

PICTURE THAT: More than 100 years after it introduced the Brownie camera, Eastman Kodak Co. has announced it will discontinue marketing 35mm and APS film cameras in North America and Western Europe by the end of the year. Kodak says it will concentrate instead on digital models. (Reuters)

...The headline: "Film on the way out. Webcast at 11:00."

********

MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT: Osceola, Fla., Circuit Judge Margaret Waller was fed up with public defense lawyer Kemie King, 27. When the lawyer argued with the judge, Waller told her "Do not argue with me, or I'm going to put you in jail." When King persisted, Judge Waller declared "Contempt." A court deputy handcuffed King and sat her in the prisoner area -- next to her client, who consoled her over her arrest. The chief judge backs Waller, saying "you just don't argue with a judge," but chief public defender Robert Wesley called the judge's actions "humiliating" and "a bully act." (Orlando Sentinel)

...Judge Waller indeed made an error: she ordered handcuffs when she should have ordered a gag.

********

SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT LAST TIME: "Florida May Need Disabled Voter Machines"

-- AP headline

___________________________

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!

___________________________

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

__________________________

DDL

There once was a man from Moritz,

who raised an acre of tits,

they bloomed in the fall,

red nipples and all,

and he leisurely chewed them to bits!

__________________________

"The model for the Gerber baby on the jars turns 77 years old today. He's back to eating Gerber baby food."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."

--Maxine

***

Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more.

__________________________

Rotten News.... (true)

Tue, Feb 10, 2004

Millionaire Hit with Record Speeding Fine

HELSINKI (Reuters) - One of Finland's richest men has been fined a record 170,000 euros ($217,000) for speeding through the center of the capital, police said on Tuesday.

Jussi Salonoja, 27, heir to his family's sausage business, was caught driving 50 miles per hour in a 25 mph zone last Thursday, the police said.

Finnish traffic fines vary according to the offender's income and, according to tax office data, Salonoja's 2002 earnings were close to seven million euros.

The final penalty could still change when the case is eventually heard by a Helsinki court, as was the case with Nokia (news - web sites) executive Anssi Vanjoki, whose 116,000-euro speeding fine was slashed by 95 percent in 2002 due to a drop in income.

If Salonoja's penalty stands, it will beat a speeding fine of more than 80,000 euros paid by Internet millionaire Jaakko Rytsola in 2000, and the 35,000-euro fine imposed on Nokia President Pekka Ala-Pietila in 2001 for running a red light.

*********

12:32 AEDT Mon 9 Feb 2004

Osama music video a hit with Muslims

AFP - A music video glorifying Osama bin Laden and containing images of the September 11 attacks in New York has become a big hit with young Muslims, the Observer newspaper said on Sunday.

The song Dirty Kuffar (non-believer) by a young British rapper who calls himself Sheikh Terra rails against Prime Minister Tony Blair and US President George W Bush, calling on believers to "throw them on the fire".

"I do not know of any young Muslim who has not either seen or got this video. It is selling everywhere. Everyone I meet at the mosque is asking for it," Mohammed al-Massari, an exiled Saudi dissident, told the Observer.

The Committee for the Defence of Legitimate Rights in Saudi Arabia, a group run by Massari who came to Britain in 1994 after being imprisoned by the Saudi regime, also distributes the four-minute video on its website.

The song starts with images of US marines in Iraq cheering as one of them shoots a wounded Iraqi lying on the floor and finishes with images of the hijacked planes flying into the World Trade Center towers in New York with sounds of the rappers laughing.

One of the video's most brutal images shows an Islamic fighter in Chechnya executing a captured Russian soldier with a Kalashnikov.

Another image shows photographs of US Secretary of State Colin Powell and national security adviser Condeleezza Rice with the words "still slaves" superimposed across their bodies.

"I believe the lyrics are only metaphorical. It is not like this is a fatwa," said Massari.

***********

MP3 players for AK-47s

February 9, 2004

A BRITISH-based company is selling MP3 players which can be attached to an assault rifle.

The "AK-MP3" player is built into the ammunition clip of a Kalashnikov and can be swapped with the real magazine.

The device is being advertised on the internet by a Buckinghamshire-based company set up by a group of Russian businessmen who sell audio books.

It comes with enough storage space to hold 3000 audio books or 9000 songs.

Former Russian rock star Andrey Koltakov, a partner in the dotcom company offering the AK-MP3 for sale, said: "This is our bit for world peace - hopefully, from now on many militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music and audio books."

The accessory costs $480 or $965 with hundreds of audio books loaded on to it.

Those marketing it say the stainless steel body makes it "uniquely suitable for outdoors".

Herald Sun