Subject: Daily Dose - 040313 - SHAKESPEARE ON TRIAL, BIZARRE NEWS, mop the floor, DDL, Rotten News

SHAKESPEARE ON TRIAL

Whenever Shakespeare wanted to write poetry, he used to go to the woods in search of inspiration.  One such day, he was in the woods looking for inspiration, and he sees a boy and girl having sex.  Just before he could say something, there is a police raid, the three of them are caught and produced before a judge, the boy and girl as the ones to be prosecuted and Shakespeare as the witness.

The judge sets the court and calls Shakespeare in the witness box and asks, "Mr.  Shakespeare, were the two of them having sex?"

Now Shakespeare, the poet that he was, could not say anything without inspiration.  He keeps quiet.

The judge repeats, "Mr.  Shakespeare, were the two of them having sex?"

Shakespeare still keeps quiet.  The judge gets annoyed and says, "Mr. Shakespeare, for the last time before I hold you for contempt, WERE THE TWO HAVING SEX?"

Suddenly inspiration strikes Shakespeare and he says,

"Sir, The pants were down,
The thighs were bare,
The balls were hanging in the air,
He put it in,
You know where,
and if that isn't having sex,
I wasn't there."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre History Test Answers

The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

***

Left Out in the Cold

SPOKANE, Wash. - Three men who thought it would be funny to streak through a Denny's restaurant had the joke turned on them when a thief drove away in their getaway car - with their clothes inside.

As they stood naked in the 20-degree weather, the three streakers huddled behind cars in a parking lot until police came.

"I don't think they were hiding. I think they were just concealing themselves," police spokesman Dick Cottam said.

The trio had entered the restaurant wearing only shoes and hats, and had left the car running so they could quickly escape. But they watched through the windows as a man who had been dining inside drove off in their vehicle.

The streakers did not receive any charges for the incident.

***

Karma Came Back to Bite Him in the Balls

A pet store thief found that trying to steal two tiger python snakes from the Animal Trax pet store in New Jersey had more than the usual consequences. The thief put one python in a pants pockets and the snake bit him in his private parts as he drove away from the store, the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J., reports.

The snake bite isn't poisonous, but the 20-year-old man, who declined medical treatment, says he had rigged canvas bags to the pockets of his slacks to conceal the snakes. The snake got out of the bag, wrapped itself around the man's leg and began to squeeze it before biting him, said Greenwich Township Detective Sgt. Joseph M. Giordano Jr.

***

Take the Skeleton Out of the Closet

EVANSTON, Ill. - A veteran social studies teacher in Evanston, Ill. is fighting a transfer for hanging a skeleton in the teachers' lounge to protest standardized testing.

The skeleton was dressed in a Michael Jordan basketball jersey and dangled from a rope.

Vicki Proctor told the Chicago Tribune the hanging skeleton was a political statement against federal testing requirements -- not a racial statement because African-American students on average lag behind whites in standardized testing.

Proctor was transferred from the majority white Martin Luther King Laboratory School to the district's alternative elementary school for students with disciplinary cases. She is appealing the transfer.

***

Super Bowl Goes to the Dogs

HOUSTON - The NFL is endorsing a Super Bowl pre-game event in Houston entitled "The Dog Bowl." This pet event will take place a week before the big game at an indoor football field.

Organizer Donna Dishman says there will be a costume contest for the pooch with the best NFL-themed outfit. They can dress as players, referees, or even cheerleaders.

Also, canines will race to "Sack the Quarterback," by running through a maze and tackling a cardboard cutout holding doggie treats.

Proceeds from the Dog Bowl will go to Pets Are Wonderful Support (PAWS), a charity that helps terminally-ill pet owners take care of their furry friends.

_______________________

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."  

I said, "You'll be sorry."  

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"  

I said, "Well, It's not very absorbant and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

_______________________

DDL

There was a pretty young waitress named Mary
Whose huge boobs were a virtual dairy
Served coffee and cream
By spritzing a stream
From either - it was arbitrary.

_______________________

"In a new interview, Uma Thurman says that when she wants to lose weight, she keeps her food intake down by eating in the nude.  Actually, I tried that once, but I was kicked out of Denny's."
--Conan O'Brien  

***  

"The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker."
--Jay Leno  

***  

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."  
--Henny Youngman

________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Wed, February 11, 2004

Singapore man fined $4,720 for water-filled plastic pail lid

SINGAPORE (AP) - Singapore's highest court has ruled a local man must pay a fine worth the equivalent of $4,720 Cdn for leaving a water-filled plastic pail lid outside, local news media reported Wednesday.

Watering cans, buckets and other receptacles containing stagnant water are not supposed to be left standing in tropical Singapore to prevent the spread of mosquito-borne illnesses like dengue fever. The Aedes mosquito, which carries the illness, breeds in still water.

Chiam Heng Hsien was originally ordered by the Singapore Subordinate Court to pay the equivalent of $2,360 for the pail lid but he appealed the sentence, the Straits Times newspaper reported.

High Court Judge Yong Pung How ruled Tuesday that Chiam should have his fine doubled for his "recalcitrant attitude," the paper said.

Chiam argued the pail lid was in direct sunlight and, to his knowledge, mosquitoes could not breed in direct sunlight, the paper said.

This wealthy Southeast Asian country uses heavy fines to enforce cleanliness as part of efforts to attract corporations and tourists. Spitting, littering or leaving a toilet unflushed can garner a fine.

Dengue causes severe fevers and can lead to vomiting, nausea and body rash. The virus is often called bone-breaker's disease because it causes severe pain in the joints. Some strains cause internal bleeding and death.

The government carefully monitors public areas, schools, markets and construction sites to eliminate pools of still water and often sprays residential areas to kill mosquitoes.

__________________________

Can you get this shark off my leg?  
Wed Feb 11, 5:05 AM ET 

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A snorkeler attacked by a shark off Australia's east coast swam to shore with the predator gripping his leg and then drove to a lifesavers' club to have it removed.

Australian Luke Tresoglavic was snorkelling on a reef off Caves Beach when a two-feet wobbegong shark bit him just below the kneecap and held on.

"The shark just wouldn't budge so he held onto it as it was thrashing around and swam to shore," Tresoglavic's mother, Caroline, told Reuters on Wednesday. "It still wouldn't let got so he got into his car and drove up to the lifesavers' clubhouse nearby for help. Luckily he didn't panic or he could have ended up in trouble in the water."

Lifesavers removed the shark by hosing it with fresh water, but its minute, razor-like teeth left about 70 puncture marks. Tresoglavic, 22, then drove to hospital, but turned out not to need stitches, just a course of antibiotics.

The Tresoglavics buried the dead shark in their garden. Wobbegong sharks, are also known as carpet sharks because of their colour, can grow up to three m (10 feet) long and are unique to Australian waters, the national parks authority says.

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Yellow Snow Leads to Burglary Arrest   
Mon Feb 9, 6:31 PM ET

ELKO, Nev. - He should have taken care of it before he left home.

Elko police arrested Roger Gray, 25, on the basis of yellow snow he left after relieving himself on the rooftop of a restaurant that had been burglarized.

Investigators said the evidence produced enough DNA to link Gray to the scene.

He subsequently admitted a jewelry store burglary, police said. Investigators were comparing his DNA and other evidence to determine whether he also might be implicated in burglaries at a pizza place and Elko's J.C. Penney store.

He was booked Friday night for investigation of burglary. Bail was set at $5,000.