Subject: Daily Dose - 040309 - LUCKY CAMEL, BIZARRE NEWS, help us, DDL,
Rotten News
LUCKY CAMEL
Three golfers had a big golf game
with a client in Arizona.
They were running late and as luck
would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby.
The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he
told them, "You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can
ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read
stoplights -- he'll stop and go just as the light directs." The
three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the
three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in
sight.
"What in the world happened,
and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that
light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head
out the window and said, "Look at the three nuts on that camel! When we
got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Doctors' Notes
[These are actual notes taken from patient charts.]
"The patient complains of a dry
cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4
days."
"While in the ER, she was
examined, X-rated, and sent home."
"Patient had waffles for
breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."
"The patient states there is a
burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet."
"Patient was alert and
unresponsive."
"Patient has chest pain if she
lies on her left side for over a year."
"The patient has no past
history of suicides."
"The patient left the hospital
feeling much better except for her original complaints."
"Patient has left his white
blood cells at another hospital.
"The other foot has the missing
toe."
***
Home, Home on the Driving Range
MIAMI - A man who made his home on a
golf course for the past 40 years has been told to leave because some golfers
said that he frightened them. Other golfers feel that Kenny Bethel is harmless
and should not be forced to leave Palmetto Golf Course.
Bethel, 55, came to the course after
he ran away from home in 1963. He collected and resold stray golf balls, used
the club's showers and toilets at night and slept in a sheltered area by the
showers. His wife Francis joined him nine years ago and they have since been
residing in a space under a nearby bridge.
Staff now chases Bethel away when he
tries to gather balls and the restrooms are locked at night. Golfers who were
used to seeing him on the course were surprised that he was banished.
"It seems a shame that someone
who is an institution on the course can't be grandfathered in," golfer Jim
Adamson said.
***
A New Way to Cut the Cheese
MADISON, Wis. - A researcher from
the University of Wisconsin at Madison has created a new method to slice cheese
- by using a laser.
"At any other university,
people would have just laughed. But this is Wisconsin. It's cheese. And this is
no laughing matter," said Xiaochun Li, a mechanical engineering professor
and laser expert.
Li, along with engineering graduate
student Hongseok Choi, has discovered that the same kind of laser used for eye
surgery can be used to slice Wisconsin's famous food product. Li first tried to
use a traditional commercial laser that uses heat to cut by melting or
evaporating, but that fried the cheese.
Trying again, he used a new class of
laser, known as a cold laser, that cuts by blasting apart the molecular bonds
that hold materials together.
***
Losing Connection With Reality
A West Bend man is suing the cable
company that he feels made him addicted to TV, caused his wife to be overweight
and his kids to be lazy. Timothy Dumouchel is asking for $5,000 or three
computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter
Communications to settle a small claims suit.
Dumouchel told Charter that he plans
to sue because his cable connection remained intact four years after he tried
to get it canceled.
"I believe that the reason I
smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV
every day for the last four years," Dumouchel stated in a written
complaint against the company.
He stated that he called Charter
several times to get the service disconnected for good because he felt it was
addictive, but they reportedly never did.
_______________________
Two blondes realize that their
apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yells one of
the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells
the other.
"Maybe it would help if we
yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the
other.
So the both started yelling,
"Together! Together!"
________________________
DDL
In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.
________________________
Lincoln studied by the light of a
fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't
they ever think to do their work during the daytime?
--Jersey Tomato
***
"In Seattle, a man broke a
world record when he scored almost 1 million points in the video game, Donkey
Kong. As his prize, the man will get a trip to his favorite place in the
world, 1986."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Right now, in Seoul, you can
get a copy of DEUCE BIGALOW 2: EUROPEAN GIGOLO and we haven't even started
shooting yet. I'm dying to get a copy so I can see how we end it."
--Funnyman Rob Schneider on movie piracy
___________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Thu, Feb 12, 2004
It Shouldn't Be Hard to Spot Her
ROME (Reuters) - An Italian woman
who had her breasts enlarged with the biggest silicone implants available is
being hunted by police after she skipped out on the 7,500 euro ($9,500) plastic
surgery bill.
Police say they have few leads as
the woman used a false name but are relying on a photograph and her unusually
large bra size to find her, a newspaper reported Thursday.
The woman did a runner from the
exclusive private hospital in Rome a day after the two-hour operation which
doubled her bust size, her plastic surgeon Jamal Salhi told the Corriere della
Sera Thursday.
"Unfortunately this kind of
fraud isn't that unusual," Salhi lamented.
*********
Last modified February 11, 2004 -
12:43 am
PETA claims poultry has 'mad cow'
risk
DENVER, Colo. - A machine-gun-toting
chicken aims to deter Americans from eating meat in the latest national
campaign launched Monday by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
"If the cow doesn't get you, I
might," crows an ornery-looking fowl featured on a billboard hovering
above Interstate 76 between Federal and Sheridan boulevards.
The animal-rights organization is
urging Americans to stop eating chicken. The group claims that poultry given
feed containing cattle byproducts, such as cow's blood, could carry a variant
of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known as mad cow disease.
"The best thing anyone who
doesn't want to support horrific cruelty to animals or put their family in
harm's way can do with any meat in their refrigerator is to throw it in the
trash can," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said.
Scientists at two universities and
the Denver-based National Cattlemen's Beef Association rejected PETA's claims.
No published research shows that poultry is susceptible to BSE, they said.
The chances of chickens in the
United States contracting BSE are remote given that the vast majority of fowl -
more than 95 percent of the 9 billion birds Americans consume each year - are
sold by poultry companies that don't use feed containing cattle byproducts,
said John Brake, a professor of poultry science at North Carolina State
University in Raleigh. The remaining poultry is grown under federally regulated
organic standards, he said.
"If you're worried about
chicken, my advice is not to chase one across a street," Brake said.
"You're more likely to die in a traffic accident than you are by eating
one broiler a week."
*********
Crowd Chants 'Usama!' at U.S. Soccer
Team
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
GUADALAJARA, Mexico — The boos nearly drowned out "The Star-Spangled
Banner," and a few dozen fans chanted "Usama! Usama!" as the
United States was eliminated by Mexico in Olympic men's soccer qualifying.
A loud anti-American crowd yelled
the first name of Usama bin Laden , the leader of the Al Qaeda terrorists who
carried out the Sept. 11 attacks, as Mexico beat the United States 4-0 Tuesday
night in the under-23 tournament, claiming a berth in the Athens Olympics.
As U.S. players left the stadium for
their bus, several fans -- some clutching beers -- chanted "Usama!
Usama!"
Police in riot gear held back the
crowd and urged people to calm down.
"I think the fans here in
Mexico are terrific; I think their patriotism and support of their team is
terrific," U.S. coach Glenn Myernick said. "But unless I missed
something, not one of them came down on the field and kicked the ball. We were
beaten by a better football team tonight, not by the fans."