Subject: Daily Dose - 040307 - TEENAGE SEX, BIZARRE NEWS, she's expecting, DDL, Rotten News

TEENAGE SEX

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.  Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. 

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. 

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom!  You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!"

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Driving Test Answers

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.                          

***

How to Terminate Sobriety

PORTLAND, Oregon - Arnold Schwarzenegger is baack - this time in the form of a beer.

Portland Brewing Co. has created a new brew called "Governator" beer that CEO Jerome Chicvara is surprised California brewers didn't think of first.

The brewers designed 3,200 cases bearing the Pumping Iron label that are meant to be an amusing tribute to the governor of California. Chicvara thought of the idea while joking around with his kids and their friends, who had combined the words "governor" and "terminator" into "governator."

"And I thought that's good, that could be a beer," Chicvara said. "Sometimes we get carried away, but we did this for fun."

The bitter ale is only being sold in California and comes in a 22-ounce bottle with a label featuring a muscular figure posing like a body builder.

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They Couldn't Believe Their Eyes - Were Missing

OWENSBORO, Ky. - A woman was charged with stealing 50 antique glass eyes from a hospital display case on Christmas Eve.

Melissa Jane Wink was recorded by a surveillance camera as she snatched the eyes from an exhibit of medical artifacts at Owensboro Medical Health System. The value of the eyes was $2,500 and they were recovered at a home Wink was staying in.

Police Detective Ed Krahwinkel said he didn't know why someone would steal the eyes. "Honestly, I don't think she knew what to do with them," Krahwinkel said. "Being a high profile case - and a used item - I think she was stuck with them."

According to physician Barney Elliott, the eyes were most likely made at the start of the 20th century or earlier and came in a variety of colors.

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She Always Told Him to Take Shots in Life

ANDERSON, Ind. - A 6-year-old boy found a new toy while riding in the back seat of his mother's sport utility vehicle - a .38 caliber revolver. He picked up the gun and accidentally fired it, shooting and injuring his mother as she drove.

According to Indiana State Police Trooper Robert May, Tomekia R. Wilson was driving on Interstate 69 with her son and her sister when the boy discovered a duffel bag under the seat and pulled out the gun. The gun discharged while he was playing around and sent a bullet through the back of the driver's seat. Wilson was struck above the waist, said May.

"I reached in and grabbed the gun from him," May said. "I ended up making him a balloon toy."

Wilson was taken to the hospital and listed in stable condition after surgery. The boy could not be held responsible in the shooting and the accident remained under investigation.

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Cheaters Never Win...

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - A 7-year-old Wisconsin boy has learned the hard way vending machines only accept money and not arms and heads.

The Sheboygan Press reported the unidentified youngster, waiting while his father used a pay phone, became fascinated with a machine in which players maneuver a grabber-claw to snag a stuffed animal. The boy decided to snag an animal by crawling up through the dispensing chute, and promptly became stuck.

The fire department was summoned to extract the boy. His rescuers decided not to smash the machine, but told the boy to be patient until a locksmith was found. To spare him embarrassment, firefighters moved the machine to the back of the Piggly Wiggly store for the hour-long wait.

The boy was released unharmed, but reportedly was desperate to find a washroom. Store managers declined to comment on the incident, but said the store would probably get rid of the game because of the mishap.

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How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."

_____________________________

DDL

There once was a policeman of Munchen
Whose penis one day ceased to function.
For the rest of his life,
He deceived his good wife
By the intelligent use of his truncheon.

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"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."
--Chris Rock

***  

A New Hampshire couple has walked the 5,000 mile length of the U.S. in 18 months. They expect their return trip to take another year and a half. They're booked on United.
--Alan Ray

***  

"I was about to walk on to do my show one night when a man in the audience stopped me and said, 'Rodney, do me a favor before you go on. Could I have your autograph...and some more butter?'"
--Rodney Dangerfield

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Rotten News... (true)

Designer vaginas
February 27, 2004

"Designer vaginas" are now on offer to New Zealand women with the establishment of the country's first "appearance gynaecology" clinic in Auckland.

Andrew Mackintosh's private practice at Ascot Hospital offers a range of treatments, including restoring hymens, vaginal rejuvenation, repairing damage from giving birth, liposuction and labial reconstruction.

Some women had it done for appearance sake, often as an add-on to more functional operations, he told Doctor Magazine. But for others, it was a matter of relieving physical discomfort.

Dr Mackintosh said many women were relieved to find their problems finally taken seriously.

"Every day I see women who thank me for what I am doing," he told the magazine.

However, some men were less supportive in his experience.

"Many think they own women."

Dr Mackintosh said his clinic was getting about six calls a week since he began offering the service in November, and to cope with the extra workload he had taken on two extra gynaecologists to carry out cancer surgery.

NZPA

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Thu, Feb 26, 2004
Germany Sinks Thousands in Toad Tunnel   

BERLIN - Germany's government is scrounging to save money, but it's spending $300,000 for toad and frog tunnels under a road, an effort to win approval for building a new diplomatic school in Berlin.

The Foreign Ministry — run by Germany's most prominent Greens party member, Joschka Fischer — said Thursday that Berlin authorities insisted the government compensate for building the center in a conservation area by investing in environmental protection at another location.

Under the deal, five 33-foot tunnels for frogs and toads are to be built by July under roads in the suburb of Luebars. The project will offer safe passage to an estimated 4,000 amphibians each year, ministry officials said.

Germany is trying to trim spending and social programs to shrink a budget deficit that has exceeded a European Union limit for the past two years.

The Foreign Ministry said it will make up the money spent on toad tunnels with budget savings elsewhere.

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Mon, Feb 16, 2004
Navy Jet Fighter Is for Sale on EBay   

NORFOLK, Va. - You can now have your very own Navy F/A-18A Hornet jet fighter — but some assembly may be required.

The price for the jet, which formerly belonged to the Navy's Blue Angels aerial demonstration team, is just over $1 million on the auction firm eBay, or about $9 million for a buyer who wants it assembled, painted and certified ready-to-fly.

Only legal U.S. residents can bid. The auction is scheduled to end Thursday.

An F/A-18 in 1997 cost the military $28 million, according to the Blue Angels' official Web site.

Mike Landa, of Landa and Associates, the Washington state brokerage that has listed the fighter on the Internet auction service, told The Virginian-Pilot that the jet is in parts and came out of military service in 1994. Landa wouldn't identify the owner, but said he came by it legally.

"This thing obviously slipped through the system somehow," Landa said

The FBI came out to visit Landa after he put the jet up for bidding. They wanted to know "what are you selling here," he said. "They wanted to have the scoop on it."

Landa said he has no doubt that someone will surface to claim the Hornet. The jet's model can fly about 1,400 mph and climb 30,000 feet in a minute.