Subject: Daily Dose - 040306 - WHY ARE WE THERE, BIZARRE NEWS, two widows, DDL, Rotten News

WHY ARE WE THERE?

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there. 

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. 

Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction. 

The land is too large to secure all of it.  The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place. 

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. 

Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing. 

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes. 

It will cost billions to rebuild this land, which we can't afford. 

There are more than 1000 religious sects. 

We can't even secure the borders. 

And to repeat.  Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land. 

It is clear!  We must abandon California. 

Why are we still there?

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Presidential Facts

Gerald Ford used to let off loud farts and blame them on his Secret Service men.

John Quincy Adams loved to swim in the nude.

Chestur Arthur was a clothes hog who owned over 80 pairs of pants.

Grover Cleveland is the only U.S. president who personally hanged someone. He threw a noose over two criminals' necks while working as a sheriff.

Warren G. Harding once gambled and lost a box of priceless White House china during a poker game.

John F. Kennedy was plagued by the venereal disease chlamydia and spent the first moments of the Bay of Pigs invasion getting a giant shot of penicillin.

***

A Whale of a Mess

TAIPEI, Taiwan - Fifty tons of sperm whale exploded across a busy Taiwanese city street, spewing blubber and blood over shoppers and shops, Taiwan News reported Wednesday.

The dead sperm whale was being transported through Tainan City to a research station when it suddenly exploded Tuesday, splattering everything and everyone anywhere nearby. Certified by authorities as the largest beached whale on record in Taiwan, the 60-foot, 50-ton carcass was being driven by a flat-bed trailer-truck to a special research location after National Cheng Kung University officials and security guards refused to let the whale on campus.

The whale was to be preserved and an autopsy performed at the "Shi-Tsao Natural Preserve" in Tainan County by a team of marine biologists and taxidermists.

***

Getting in the Moood for Love

SAN DIEGO - To help adults get in the mood for love this Valentine's Day, the San Diego Wild Animal Park is offering special night tours that allow visitors to get up close and personal to randy rhinos, horny giraffes and other sex-crazed members of the animal kingdom. The tour, appropriately titled "Night Moves," is naughty by nature and intended for adults only.

An expert on the tour points out the different animal courtship rituals, but park spokesman Paul Garcia remarks "the rhinos usually get most of the 'oohs' and 'aahs.' They're not discreet at all."

The tour has been held annually around Valentine's Day for about a decade, but interest has increased this year. Although the tour costs about $100 a person, Garcia believes it will sell out.

***

An Updated Version

HOLLAND, Mich. - Some parents will name their son after the father, tacking a Jr. or II onto the end of his name. This tradition was apparently too common for one engineering techie who decided to add 2.0 to his newborn son's name.

Jon Blake Cusack persuaded his wife, Jamie, into naming their child Jon Blake Cusack 2.0. Version 2.0 was born at Holland Community Hospital last Tuesday, and he was taken home Friday. Cusack said he wanted to name his son something different and came up with the idea a few months ago. After encouraging his
wife to go along with it, she finally conceded a week before the birth. The proud parents sent out an electronic birth announcement after 2.0's birth.

"I wrote in the birth announcement e-mail stuff, like there's a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," said papa Cusack.

***

Putting on the Dog

LIVERMORE, Calif. - Clifford J. Dawg, a dog, recently got a Platinum MasterCard with a spending limit of $1,500.

Clifford's owner, Steve Borba of Livermore, Calif., set up a free e-mail account and registered it to his pug. Clifford soon got a letter from a major bank telling him he'd been pre-approved for a credit card.

Borba sent back the application, saying Mr. Dawg worked at a "Pupperoni Factory" and his mother's maiden name was "Pugsy Malone." He even added a note that said "You are sending an application to a dog! Ha ha ha."

The card came in the mail, anyway. Borba called the bank to cancel it, but the person on the other end of the line was vastly amused and started discussing using the incident in a commercial. "Dogs don't chase us - we chase them," The bank representative reportedly suggested as a slogan.

___________________________

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking

Martha: "That nice Dick Ummel asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. Marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No,,, I'm just saying, wear an old dress

____________________________

DDL

In a strip-poker parlor called Dante's,
When a maiden had just lost her panties,
She blushed, glanced around,
And guess what she found?
All the male players raising their antes!

_____________________________

"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
--Rita Rudner

***

"I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot."
--Bob Van Voris

***

"Have you seen this commercial for the Norelco electric shaver where this guy is in the shower and he switches the shaver from normal to sensitive? Sensitive? What is he shaving in there?"
--Jay Leno

_____________________________

Rotten News....  (true)

Thu, Feb 19, 2004
Woman Fined for Registering Cows As Voters   

LONDON - Brenda Gould is in trouble again for registering her cows as voters.

For the second year running, the woman from Newmarket, near Cambridge in eastern England, has listed two names on the registration form who turned out to be cows, East Cambridgeshire District Council said Thursday.

The previous year, in addition to registering two cows as "Henry and Sophie Bull," she listed "Jake Woofles," later found to be a dog, as eligible to vote in local government elections, the council said.

This year she indicated that her address had been split into two properties, that she resided in one part and that two other persons lived in the second, a council spokesman said. The persons she claimed lived in the second property were, in fact, her cows, the spokesman said.

Gould had been scheduled to appear at Ely Magistrates Court on Tuesday but did not arrive. She was convicted in her absence and ordered to pay a 100 pound (US$189) fine and 110 pounds (US$208) in costs.

"This was the second time that Mrs. Gould had given false information on electoral forms and so, regrettably, the council felt it was necessary to take action to prevent this abuse of the election system from continuing," said Maggie Camp, the council's senior legal assistant.

Gould was not available for comment.

**********

Thu, Feb 19, 2004
Man Plans Topless Coffee Shop in Maine   

MADISON, Maine - Tired of the same old Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts? The Madison Planning Board tonight takes up a man's application to open a topless coffee shop on Main Street.

Normand St. Michel says his plan to employ partially nude waitresses is intended to boost the establishment's chances of success. He says the idea is to do something different to attract coffee drinkers.

St. Michel says he also wants to run a clean business in which no alcohol will be sold.

Madison's code enforcement officer says he knows of no town ordinances that would bar such an operation. Robert Dunphy Jr. also said he doesn't think the interior of the coffee shop would be visible from the street.

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Wed, Feb 18, 2004
Stored Bullets Explode in Wis. Oven   

HOWARD, Wis. - A man and his wife ducked behind a refrigerator when bullets began exploding in their oven, authorities say.

Capt. Craig Kohlbeck of the Brown County Sheriff's Department said the husband had put the ammunition and three handguns in the oven before the couple left on a vacation.

He told officers he thought the items would be safe there in case someone broke into the home while they were away.

After returning from their trip Tuesday, the wife turned on the oven to prepare dinner and the bullets ignited, Kohlbeck said.

No one was hurt.