Subject: Daily Dose - 040303 - BLONDE BIRD POOP, THIS is TRUE, I'm so tough, Aisle, altar, hymn, DDL, Rotten News

BLONDE BIRD POOP

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and poops all over the blonde.

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on; the bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

_____________________________

THIS is TRUE....

CHANCE: Roarie Golder, 56, violated her probation after being convicted of drug offenses, and Hamilton County (Ohio) Common Pleas Court Judge Patrick Dinkelacker ordered her to jail. Golder asked the judge to stay that order until after Christmas, and he agreed. The judge also granted a request that her term start after January 5 so she wouldn't have to be in jail on her birthday. When she finally reported to the judge for sentencing, she presented her last resort: a "Get Out of Jail Free" card that she had taken out of a Monopoly game. "I thought it was kind of funny," Dinkelacker said. "I did not take it in any way that she was actually thinking it would work." He ordered her to the county jail for 30 days -- immediately. (Cincinnati Post)
...Without passing "Go" and without collecting $200.

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BOILING MAD: When a man broke into a house in Newmarket, Ont., Canada, the homeowners, identified only as Clifford, 66, and Gladys, 59, fought back. "I shoved him down the basement stairs," Clifford said. "He fell down all 10 stairs and I ran down behind him ...and kept punching him and punching him. He kept yelling at me to stop hitting him because he was on drugs. But I told him I wasn't finished with him yet." Neither was Clifford's wife, who whacked the robber repeatedly with a tea kettle. Why that? "I couldn't find the rolling pin so I picked up the first thing I saw," Gladys said. (Toronto Star)
...Because Clifford hid the rolling pin long ago.

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YOU TALKIN' TO ME? Dwight Steidel was sitting at a red light in Allentown, Penn. When it turned green, the car in front of him didn't move -- the driver was chatting with a pedestrian on the sidewalk. "I rolled down my window and told him to move or pull over," Steidel says. "He immediately began to curse at me. I believe he did not know I was a police officer." Steidel, who was driving an unmarked police car, pulled the man over. The driver, Rico Cordero, was driving with a suspended license. And he was carrying cocaine and a large amount of cash. And the car he was driving was stolen. (Allentown Morning Call)
...Arrogance and idiocy -- what a satisfying combination.

*********

I'M WALKING HERE! Police in Hillsborough, N.C., responded to a call from a bank about a man there acting suspiciously. Capt. Dexter Davis confronted the man, and asked him if he had a weapon. "He pulled his book bag off his shoulders. He opened the bag up and held it open to me" to show he didn't have a gun, Davis said. When he looked inside, there was a note in clear view. It read, "I want $10,000 in $100 bills. Don't push no buttons, or I'll shot [sic] you." Davis said he laughed out loud. "I was looking for a weapon, but here was this note with nice large letters." Christopher Alexander Fields, 42, who also was carrying a 10-inch knife, was arrested and turned over to the FBI. (Durham Herald-Sun)
...Though often, idiocy alone will suffice.

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MOOVE ALONG. NOTHING TO SEE HERE: "Jury Clears Cow in Car Accident"
-- AP headline

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Three litte boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour".

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During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

______________________________

DDL

There once was a lady from Shasta
Whose buttocks were made out of plaster
"Til she sat down one day
And they shattered away
An event which completely disaster

______________________________

"Miniature cocktail: You drink one and in a miniature out."
--Henny Youngman

***

If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

***

A girl says to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

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Rotten News...  (true)

Friday, February 20, 2004

Farmer gulps manure water to prove his point
By SETH SLABAUGH

WINCHESTER - Dutch immigrant Tony Goltstein seems willing to do whatever it takes to get approval to build a 1,650-cow dairy farm.

That includes changing his first name and drinking a manure-water cocktail.

During a public hearing conducted by the Indiana Department of Environmental Management Wednesday night, dairy opponent Barbara Peeg squeezed some manure out of a dropper into a jar full of water. She then put the lid on the jar and shook it, demonstrating that your water could be contaminated even though you couldn't see it. Peeg then delivered the jar to an IDEM official and sat down.

Goltstein came out of the audience of 200 or so people at the Randolph County Fairgrounds, removed the lid from the jar and took a big drink, causing shock and laughter in the crowd.

Earlier, Goltstein told the crowd that when he moved to America he changed his first name from "Toine" to "Tony."

"That's one of the little things I do to please you guys," Goltstein said.

He has proposed to build a 20-million-gallon manure storage lagoon to help convince the state to approve his permit application for a concentrated animal feeding operation. That's enough capacity to store a year's worth of manure that his farm would produce. State regulations require lagoons to hold up to half a year's worth of manure.

CAFO operators store manure in lagoons and apply it to cropland as fertilizer when the crops are off the land, after harvest in the fall and/or before planting in the spring. Frozen ground and saturated ground can delay application of the manure, requiring it to be stored.

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Fetishist tied up in knots  
Thu Feb 19, 1:40 PM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German bondage fetishist got so chained up he had to call police to remove his cuffs after he was reduced to waddling around helplessly like a "penguin".

Officers sent to his rescue in the Western city of Aachen told him he should use a specialised establishment rather than practice at home. Police received no answer from the house until the man appeared at a window and flung out the door keys with his teeth.

On entering, they were confronted by the sight of a heavily-chained man shuffling towards them on his knees with his head bowed, dressed only in shiny black leather and white socks.

"To visualise the appearance of the afflicted party, one would have to imagine a penguin of waist-height waddling with slightly protruding wings," Aachen police said in a statement.

"We thought it was a joke at first," the spokesman said. "But the chains were bound so tight with handcuffs he could hardly move anything apart from his head."

Police released the man using their own handcuff keys. It was not clear how the man became ensnared.

"We suggested in future that he go to places where that sort of thing might cost a bit more, but would definitely be safer for him," the spokesman said.

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Piranha fished from Thames  
Thu Feb 19, 3:04 PM ET 

LONDON (Reuters) - Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water; a ferocious, carnivorous South American Piranha has been fished from the River Thames.

The Environment Agency said on Thursday that the 10cm-long Red Bellied Piranha was dropped by a passing seagull onto the deck of a boat built to oxygenate the river.

The Thames was declared "dead" in the 1960s but, its water cleaned, it is now home to 119 types of fish.

"It was very fresh and had obviously only just died. You could see the marks made by the seagull's beak on its back," fisheries officer Tom Cousins said.

Experts were quick to reassure Londoners they need not fear marauding shoals of meat-eating fish. The reputation of the piranha is worse than its bite and despite global warming, the Thames remains too cold to support such warmwater fish.

"We imagine that it was probably released and then floated to the surface where it was picked up by one of the very hungry seagulls and deposited in the boat," London Aquarium curator Paul Hale said.