Subject: Daily Dose - 040302 - MISSIN BILL CLINTON, BIZARRE NEWS, lost in the desert, DDL, Rotten News

Warning - culturally insensitive (politically incorrect) joke ahead!!!

MISSIN BILL CLINTON

Recently on a Canadian TV network was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!

"He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

"Number 1 - He played the sax.

"Number 2 - He smoked weed. and

Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women.

"Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't; And, he gets a check from the government every month."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Motorists

Former traffic policeman William Alexander set out to drive the 15 miles from Hereford to Ross-on-Wye in 1996. He and his wife were found confused 36 hours later, after a 1,000 mile drive, going the wrong way down the MI near Barnsley.

In 1994, a nun who said she was rushing an injured dog to the vet was fined for reckless driving after refusing to stop for armed police in New York State.

Assuming she had failed after hitting the curb during her 1995 test at Lowestoft, Tcheeka Johnson punched the examiner on the leg, screeched to a halt and pushed her out of the passenger door.

Trying to test his oil level manually, a Wakefield motor-cyclist got his finger stuck in the oil tank and had to summon the fire brigade to release him.

***

Just Needed a Lift

OKLAHOMA - Three young boys came to their father's rescue when he was pinned under a large van while trying to change a flat tire. The 13-, 11-, and 10-year-old boys were able to lift the vehicle and pull their dad, Michael Sinnett, to safety.

After several minutes of being trapped with glass and metal crushing his body, the family began losing hope when their efforts to save him failed. That's when the three boys mustered up every ounce of strength they had and went to work. The two oldest raised the van, and 10-year-old Matthew grabbed his father's legs and pulled him to freedom.

Mr. Sinnett is recovering from bruised ribs, but amazingly has no broken bones.

The boys say that the next time the van has a flat, they're taking it to WalMart.

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A Lack of Foresight...Or Any Sight For That Matter

BUENOS AIRES - An early morning street hold-up was foiled by police on Thursday morning - and they were shocked to discover that one of the assailants was blind.

"When a police car arrived at the scene, the pair took off running. What caught the attention of the officer was that they were running holding hands," Police Commissioner Luis Ceballos said. "On apprehending them, the officer found one of them was blind."

Police are still trying to comprehend what the blind robber was thinking. They retrieved a fire-arm from the scene, and are not clear which of the pair was holding the gun.

"We don't know what they were thinking," Ceballos said. "This is the first time I've seen anything like this in my life."

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His Roommate Was a Pretty Stiff Guy

BLISSFORD, England - An elderly British man who reported his brother's death 18 months after the fact won't face any criminal charges,

The Telegraph reported Thursday. Pensioner Herbert Silver, 72, lived in a mobile home with his brother George for the past 12 years, and apparently the two bachelors kept to themselves, the newspaper said.

"I thought that there may have been something wrong when he didn't appear," Herbert told police. "But I admit that I didn't go into his room for a few hours, a few days. ... well quite a while actually, which was a bit naughty really. In the end I plucked up the courage to go and have a look," he said.

All that was left in his brother's bedroom were skeletal remains. "A doctor came out and assessed me and I asked him if I was bonkers but he said I wasn't," Herbert said.

An inquest is scheduled later this month.

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That's a Load of Crap

PALESTINE, Texas - During an East Texas traffic stop, a state trooper discovered 23 dogs, three cats and a chicken in a van. The driver of the van and her elderly passenger were covered in animal feces.

"When I approached the van I could smell the stench 20 to 30 feet away," Texas Department of Public Safety Trooper Jim Cleland said. "It was then I discovered the animals." The feces were piled up to one foot deep in areas of the van.

The driver, Robin Vanwert, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and her passenger, an elderly disabled man, was taken to a local motel. The animals were delivered to the Anderson County Humane Society shelter and appeared to be in good condition.

Board members at the shelter believe she was just picking up animals and it appeared they had been in the van for months.

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A man is lost in the desert.  He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.  Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real!  He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are!  I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"

_______________________________

DDL

There once was a lad named Morris
Who went for a tryst with Doris
When asked how he fared
He answered with a stare
Damn! I was greatly victorious.

_______________________________

I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.

***

"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex."
--Bob Smith

***

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day."
--Paul Clay

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Rotten News...  (true)

Nude Mural on Car to Get G-Rated Retouch   
Fri Feb 20, 2:53 PM ET

INDIANAPOLIS - The owner of a car with a nude woman painted on its trunk is hoping a G-rated version of the dancer satisfies prosecutors.

During a hearing Thursday in Marion Superior Court, a lawyer for Erica Meredith, 25, said his client would have clothes painted on the 3-by-5-foot image of the woman.

The airbrushed paint job on the 1976 Buick sedan depicts a naked woman twirling around a pole while two men in an audience watch.

The car was registered in Meredith's name but actually belonged to her boyfriend, Keyon Johnson, she said.

Meredith was charged with a felony count of disseminating material harmful to minors after she was ticketed during a traffic stop last month near a school. Johnson was not charged. Marion County Prosecutor Carl Brizzi has said he would drop charges if the image was covered or the car was kept off the street.

Jack Crawford, Meredith's attorney, said the artist who painted the mural would paint clothes on it.

"We suggest that the offensive parts be covered," Crawford said.

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N.Y. driver nabbed while watching porn

Updated: 1:45 p.m. ET Feb. 20, 2004

ALBANY, N.Y. - Andre Gainey found out the hard way that in the state of New York it’s illegal to drive while watching porn.

Police said the 35-year old man from Clifton Park was watching an adult movie called “Chocolate Foam” on Tuesday night while driving his Mercedes Benz in the town of Schenectady when he was spotted by an officer at a stop light.

Police spokesman Pete Frizoni said detectives pulled Gainey over when they saw the movie playing on screens embedded in the car’s headrests. When they confronted him, they saw another screen in the passenger-side visor was facing Gainey, allowing him to watch the movie while driving.

The case is thought to be the first of its kind in New York, said Joe Pichi, a spokesman for the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles.

“Our biggest problem is illegal cell phone use while driving,” Pichi said. “Drivers should be driving.”

Gainey was charged with a public display of offensive material, driving with a suspended license and driving while watching a television. He allegedly compounded his legal woes by giving a false name when he was fingerprinted, prompting police to add a charge of forgery.

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Fri, Feb 20, 2004

Firm in Dock for English Course with Vodka  

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish vodka maker has put the old adage that alcohol loosens the tongue to the test, offering clients a free English language course with each bottle.

But what was an attempt to boost vodka sales has landed Polmos Zielona Gora firm in the dock.

The government's Agency for Solving Alcohol Problems accused the firm, controlled by Sweden's state-owned Vin & Spirit, of inducing young people to drink by questionable marketing practices.

"They are breaking the law, which prohibits advertising alcohol by making associations with culture, science or success in life. We will take them to court unless they stop," Renata Durda, a director at the Agency, told Reuters.

Polmos vowed to press ahead with its campaign, under which it attaches DVDs to bottles of its flagship Luksusowa ("luxury") vodka brand.

"First of all, it's not an advertising campaign but a sales support campaign. Others attach bottles of juice to bottles, we sell them with an English DVD. What's wrong with that?," said Polmos chief executive Ryszard Jakubiuk.