Subject: Daily Dose - 040229 - HAPPINESS, THIS is TRUE, famous soliloquy, DDL, Rotten News

HAPPINESS

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.

"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?"

"Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"

"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered.

"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness.

So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"

"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.

"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.

The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"

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THIS is TRUE....

LESS THAN ZERO TOLERANCE: Sharon Huff got a call that her son, Marcus, 7, had said a "bad word" at his Lafayette, La., school. When he got home, a note from his teacher at Ernest Gallet Elementary informed her Marcus had used the word "gay" to describe his mother, who is a lesbian. Marcus was sentenced to in-school suspension and forced to write "I will never use the word 'gay' in school again" for an hour. He was also made to write a "behavior contract" about what he did wrong. "I sed bad wurds," he wrote, and in the future he should "cep my mouf shut." After a public outroar, school Superintendent James Easton declared "An apology is not due" to Marcus or his mother. (Washington Post)
...No apology for punishing him for telling the truth, and no apology for not teaching him how to write.

***

LESS THAN ZT II: Two months after the 9/11 terrorist attacks against New York, Colin Rose, 53, a guard at Blundeston Prison near Lowestoft, England, with a 21-year "unblemished record," threw some keys into a metal chute. When someone noted he threw them hard, he responded "There's a photo of Osama bin Laden there." That "insensitive" comment led to a six-month "investigation" because there were three "Asians" nearby who might have been Muslim and might have heard the remark and might have been offended. Thus, Rose was fired. The "Asians" were never contacted to see if they heard the comment. (London Telegraph)
...Thus they also might be offended by Rose being fired for being human.

***

REVENGE OF THE SOCCER MOMS: Coming during Super Bowl halftime: the Lingerie Bowl, featuring two teams of "models" dressed in their skivvies playing tackle football. But even with a $20-30 pay-per-view charge, the game will have commercials; DaimlerChrysler was quick to step up to the plate with plans to shill their Dodge Durango. "It's a good place to advertise and get notice from people watching the game," said Chrysler spokesman James Kenyon. Mightn't some potential customers be offended by such blatant exploitation? No, Kenyon says, since the Durango is aimed at men. But the company quickly backpedaled when it saw bad publicity building over their sponsorship of girls playing football in bras and panties, plus complaints from dealers and female employees. "We didn't want to spend the next six to eight weeks dealing with this in the media," Kenyon admitted. (Detroit Free Press)
...No matter: it's not like anyone is going to watch it and risk missing a Super Bowl commercial.

***

PAGING MACAULAY CULKIN: Investigators in Will County, Ill., are seeking a band of burglars they have dubbed the "Home Alone Bandits" because they're so stupid, like the bad guys in the Home Alone movies. In one recent caper, the thugs drove a front-end loader through a wall into a commercial building and dragged out the safe. Natural gas, leaking from a broken line in the wall they drove through, caught up with the crooks as they were trying to open the safe with a blowtorch. The resulting explosion and fire caused $200,000 in damage, but "They haven't got a nickel yet," says a sheriff's spokesman. The safe, which was found still locked in the yard, only contained petty cash. I think these guys are not really putting a lot of foresight into planning," said another police official. "The movies make it look so simple. And it really isn't." (Chicago Tribune)
...That's why they're called movies, and not documentaries.

***

NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER YEAR, REALLY: "Weird and Wacky Reigned Supreme in 2003"
-- Reuters headline

_______________________________

A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message, Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet's famous soliloquy:

"To speak, or not to speak, that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them.

To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all."

_______________________________

DDL

Two queers who lived in Calais
Ran into each other one day
They stood nose to nose
Then exchanged blows
And happily went on their way.

_______________________________

"Last week, president Bush said he will not allow Mad Cow Disease to stop him from eating beef.  The president went on to say that, in fact, today, he had a ham sandwich."
--Conan O'Brien

***

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
-Rich Cook

***

"The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons (Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg."
--Dave Barry

_______________________________

Rotten News...  (true)

Seven dead at kite-flying festival
From correspondents in Lahore
February 16, 2004

SEVEN people were killed and more than 100 injured in Pakistan during the annual kite flying festival marking the arrival of spring, officials said today.

An 18-month-old girl's throat was cut by a stray kite string while she was travelling with her parents on a motorbike, witnesses said, adding that she died on the spot.

Three people were electrocuted when metal wires they were using to fly or catch stray kites fell on live electric lines, and two people fell from roofs, hospital officials said.

A 12-year-old boy died while trying to catch a stray kite when he was hit by a car on a main road, police said.

More than 100 people had been reported injured since last night in various kite-related accidents, medical workers said. Officials at Lahore's Mayo Hospital said 42 children and 60 adults had been treated for injuries.

"One child was injured by a stray bullet," deputy medical superintendent Dr Saqib Shafi told AFP.

Though firing guns is banned, people celebrate the spring festival by firing into the air, often causing casualties. Relatives of people killed or injured in kite flying accidents held a demonstration in Lahore last year urging the government to maintain its ban on selling and flying kites.

More than 20 people have been killed in kite flying accidents in Lahore since last year's spring festival.

Casualties and frequent power outages caused by metal wires falling over power lines forced the government to ban the sale of kites and metal wire, but those restrictions were lifted this month to celebrate the festival, officials said.

Agence France-Presse

*********

Husband's ashes used for shotgun cartridges
By Auslan Cramb
(Filed: 16/02/2004)

The widow of an expert on vintage shotguns had her husband's ashes loaded into cartridges and used by friends for the last shoot of the season.

Joanna Booth organised the shoot for 20 close friends on an estate in Aberdeenshire after asking a cartridge company to mix the ashes of her husband James with traditional shot. A total of 275 12-bore cartridges were produced from the mix and were blessed by a minister before they were used to bag pheasants, partridges, ducks and a fox on Brucklay Estate.

Mrs Booth, of Streatham, south London, said it was a marvellous day out and her husband would have loved it. "It was not his dying wish, but I remembered that he had read somewhere that someone had had their ashes loaded into cartridges and he thought it was very funny. One of our friends, a woman who had never shot before, got four partridges with James's marked cartridges."

Mr Booth, an independent sporting and vintage gun specialist for Sotheby's in London, died two years ago, aged 50, after 18 months in a coma following severe food poisoning.

Julian McHardy, of the Caledonian Cartridge Company in Brechin, Angus, said it was the first request he had received to put ashes in shotgun cartridges. "He was loaded in our Caledonian Classic, a 28 gramme load, No 6 shot with degradable plastic wadding."

Before the first drive, the cartridges were blessed by the Rev Alistair Donald, the Church of Scotland minister from the nearby village of New Deer, who said he had no qualms. "It was a perfectly normal scattering of ashes, a few words and prayers. After all, he had a lifelong interest in ballistics."

The special cartridges accounted for 70 partridges, 23 pheasants, seven ducks and a fox on Jan 31.

**********

Mon, Feb 16, 2004
Errant Valentine Text Message Nearly Causes Split  

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (Reuters) - An intimate Valentine's Day text message nearly caused a Malaysian couple to split when it landed on the wrong mobile phone number, a newspaper reported on Sunday.

A 27-year-old man and his wife of two months were taking a romantic drive around a park in Seremban, south off Kuala Lumpur, when his phone beeped just after midnight, The Sunday Star said.

He asked her to retrieve the message, which read: "Darling, I really miss you, always thinking of you even when you are not here tonight beside me in the bed, I am waiting, lots and kisses and hugs - Jane."

The wife demanded her husband stop the car, accused him of infidelity and left for her parents' home in a taxi. She refused to take his calls and his father-in-law later told him she would be filing for a divorce.

It took 12 frantic hours before the sender of the message was traced. She called the wife with an explanation, and the couple made up with a hug in front of their families.