Subject: Daily Dose - 040228 - George's Collection

By popular demand, another collection from my friend George in Winnipeg....

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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Cripes!  Life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"How did you do?" asked her waiting friend.

"Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

___________________________

Between 6:30 and 6:45

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.

By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

___________________________

New York

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?," to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?

___________________________

The Answer Man Tackles Pregnancy:

Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kid's in college.

______________________________

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN....

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my family more, would that get me into heaven?"

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?" I asked.

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

_____________________________

Jewish Christmas

The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.

"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question. "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, we also sing carols!"

Surprised, Ms Pelzner questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."

"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas.

____________________________

When the Liars' Club held their big meet,
Said Tony Blair, who was asked to compete,
"I can never take part,
Lacking skill in that art"
All the others conceded defeat.

______________________________

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

*******

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

_______________________________

Pooh and His Friends Need Intervention

In a tongue-in-cheek clinical research, Canadian doctors found that "Winnie the Pooh" and his friends in the Hundred Acre Wood suffer from eating disorder, parental neglect, gender-identity disorder, hyperactivity disorder, and depression. What do you think the doctors are telling the readers?

Winnie-the-Pooh is one of the most famous and loved bears in the world. But in Alan Alexander Milne's book, Dr. Sarah E. Shea and others found an undertone of an imperfect community filled with what has become common disorders in today's youths. They published their findings -- intended to be humorous -- in this month's issue of the Canadian Medical Association Journal under the title, "Pathology in the Hundred Acre Wood: a neurodevelopmental perspective on A.A. Milne."

"On the surface it is an innocent world, but on closer examination by our group of experts we find a forest where neurodevelopmental and psychosocial problems go unrecognized and untreated," the article begins.

Winnie-the-Pooh tales are "seemingly benign, ... However, perspectives change with time."

Pooh suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder [ADHD], inattentive subtype. The doctors debated whether Pooh suffered from "significant impulsivity," as demonstrated in one example "by his poorly thought out attempt to get honey by disguising himself as a rain cloud."

His fixation on honey has contributed to his obesity. Pooh may also suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder [OCD], the doctors gleaned from his exhaustive effort to preserve food and repetitive counting behaviors. The bear may over time come down Tourette's syndrome.

Pooh's "Very Little Brain" also alarmed the researchers. They admit there is no existing standard for the "head circumference of the brown bear." But they see his being "dragged downstairs bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head" may have contributed to VLB.

"Pooh needs intervention," the doctors concluded. They considered prescribing a low-dose stimulant perhaps to help him become more functional and "produce (and remember) more poems."

Piglet "clearly suffers from a Generalized Anxiety Disorder." An early diagnosis may have "saved [Piglet] from the emotional trauma he experienced while attempting to trap heffalumps."

Eeyore, the donkey, suffers from "chronic dysthymia," a form of depression. The researchers could not find what contributed to Eeyore's "negativism, low energy, and anhe(haw)dona," inability to be happy. The donkey would benefit from an antidepressant and therapy, the doctors suggested for the donkey's blues.

Owl, "bright, but dyslexic," tries to make up for his "phonological deficits," the study declared.

Roo, the baby kangaroo, shows signs of impulsivity and hyperactivity, which may be "age appropriate." But the researchers were concerned about his "growing up in a single-parent household, ... [putting] him at high risk for Poorer Outcome." The doctors had a prediction: Roo will become "a delinquent, jaded, adolescent" who hangs out late near broken bottles of malt liquor and smoked thistles.

Roo's parent Kanga is "somewhat overprotective" perhaps as the result of a "previous run-in with social services." Kanga may end up on the street with little money and more births out of wedlock, the doctors said. On the other hand, she may be successful and buy the Hundred Acre Wood and turn it into a gated community. But the social context in the book assigns little value to education or female leadership, the doctors wrote.

Tigger, Roo's friend, is not a good "Role Model" either. Tigger manifests "a recurrent pattern of risk-taking behaviors," including experimenting repeatedly with unknown substances. Tigger lacks the ability to understand the outcome of his actions and is "socially intrusive."

Christopher Robin lives in "a complete absence of parental supervision" and spends time talking to animals. E.H. Shepard's illustrations may show "possible future gender identity issues." There also may be a "Freudian meaning" to calling the bear Winnie-the-Pooh.

Rabbit exhibits "an overriding need to organize others, often against their will, into new groupings." Here, the doctors take a stab at their own environment, saying "We believe that he has missed his calling, as he clearly belongs in senior-level hospital administration."

Dr. Shea concludes: "All of these characters have a touch of pathology in which intervention appears necessary. But we still love them."

Doctors Shea, Kevin Gordon, Ann Hawkins, Janet Kawchuk, and Donna Smith are pediatrics or neurology specialists at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia -- east of Winnipeg, Manitoba, where Pooh started his journey.

What did you think of the clinical analysis? :)