Subject: Daily Dose - 040224 - absent minded professor, BIZARRE NEWS, largest amphibious assault, resume mistakes, DDL, Rotten News

We're off again tomorrow - celbrating Kuwait National Day, and Liberation Day on Thursday. The Daily Dose will return Saturday.

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The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction.  Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded").  A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock.  When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Military Mishaps

In 1757, a Prussian army had to abandon a safe escape route when they saw the road blocked by what they believed to be batteries of Austrian artillery. It turned out to be nothing more deadly than a herd of cattle.

In 1836, when Mexican troops were engaged in skirmishes with the Texans, Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna ordered his troops one afternoon to take a siesta. During the nap, the entire Mexican army was routed by the Texans in just 18 minutes.

At the Battle of Karansebes in 1788, 10,000 Austrian soldiers were killed or injured by their own side when drunken comrades began shouting that the Turks were upon them. In the darkness and confusion, the Austrians started firing indiscrimately at each other.

When relations with Bolivia soured in 1865, Queen Victoria ordered the Royal Navy to send six gunboats to Bolivia and sink its fleet. Her admirals quietly pointed out that Bolivia had no coast and therefore no fleet, whereupon the Queen sent for a map and a pair of scissors and cut Bolivia from the world.

Famous American General Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson was devoutly religious and considered fighting on a Sunday to be a sin. In 1862, at the height of the Battle of Mechanicsville in the American Civil War, he stood alone praying on a nearby hill, steadfastly refusing to speak to anyone all afternoon. With nobody to guide them, his Confederate troops suffered huge losses.

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This Man's Got Balls

BOSTON - A man in Boston has taken on some ballsy acting roles - ones where his testicles do the work.

The man, who refers to himself as "Sackie Gleason," has a website called testicletheater.com, where he dresses his testicles up in costumes and has them act out scenes from "Macbeth, Enter The Dragon" and "Thelma and Louise."

Gleason agrees it's a little nutty but believes his "multi-talented testicles" bring the works of Stanley Kubrick, John Cassvettes and Sam Peckinpah to a new audience.

Gleason doesn't want to keep his testicles confined to a film set. He enjoys the live stage and admits his testes thrive during "live theatrical interpretations on request."

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They Grow 'em Tough in Arkansas

HARRISON, Ark. - After a farmer's arm was ripped off in a tractor accident, he picked up the limb, climbed back on the tractor and went home to get help.

"What was I supposed to do? Lie there and die?" James Arlen Mondy's wife quoted him as saying.

Doctors tried but were unable to reattach his arm after the Dec. 16 accident. Mondy was knocked off his tractor when it hit a hole and the spinning blades of a brush cutter chopped off his arm at the shoulder.

As he made his way home, he stopped to open a gate, drove through, and then dismounted the tractor again to close the gate. He continued on his way and began to feel lightheaded.

Luckily, a passing couple saw him and were able to summon help.

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A Little Hard to Swallow

CLEARWATER, Florida - A woman who swallowed a 1.5 carat diamond ring had no choice but to give up the evidence when nature called, Florida police reported.

A Clearwater Police Department spokesman said that 38-year-old Mary Flowers was arrested last week after she was caught on surveillance tape swallowing the $20,000 ring at a jewelry store in a mall.

She denied digesting the ring until an X-ray revealed that it was inside her. She was held in a jail cell under observation until she passed the ring through her digestive system on Monday.

Flowers was charged with grand theft and bail was set at $5,000. Police are keeping the ring until the case is over.

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Seeing Green

STAMFORD, Conn. - A 2-year-old boy who is a model and actor is seeking unspecified lost wages and other compensation from the city after he cut his head at a playground.

Konrad Mader was running toward a playhouse when he rammed into a railing, according to a claim filed by his mother. The toddler received numerous stitches.

Deena Mader, the boy's mother, did not specify how much she is seeking on behalf of her son. She wrote a letter to officials demanding compensation for medical bills, pain and suffering. She said that the green railing her son hit his head on blends in with the landscaping and should be painted a brighter color.

"This accident was preventable had the railings and safety measures been correct at this park," Mader wrote in her claim.

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I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

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How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

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DDL

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two
months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

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"I bought a new razor. The one with the sensor. It's double-bladed; the first one is psychic and the second blade is omnipotent. They make it sound like you have to lock it in a box at night or it'll shave you while you're asleep."
--Jake Johannsen

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"My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale."
--Rita Rudner

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"Right on the alarm clock is the snooze button, which is basically a built-in cheating option. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier, but finally I just taped it down."
--Arj Barker

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Rotten News....

Saturday May 3, 09:15 PM

San Francisco hosts "Masturbate-a-Thon"

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - More than 100 men and women have gathered in famously liberal San Francisco this weekend for what organisers said was the city's second annual public "Masturbate-a-Thon".

Organisers said they have taken the event "from the sheets to the streets", offering volunteers -- 18 years or older -- the opportunity to overcome their inhibitions in "a safe environment" and raise money for charity.

Horace Santry, 55, said the Friday night event was his first. "I have a lot of anxiety, but doing this among a group of like-minded people does make it easier," he said.

Men and women ranging in age from the early 20s to the 50s, mingled at a local performing arts centre in San Francisco's South of Market district, known for artists, galleries and nightclubs, before getting down to business.

To the strains of soothing new-age music, the men and women -- a number of them couples -- were shown into rooms for men, women or both.

"This is an effort to counter centuries of censure, to make masturbation more fun and to make it more accessible," said Thomas W. Laqueur, a professor of history at the University of California at Berkeley and author of the recent "Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation," in a telephone interview before the event.

The event is a fund-raiser for the local Centre for Sex and Culture, a non-profit organisation that provides sex education.

San Francisco Masturbate-a-Thons have raised more than $25,000 (15,000 pounds) over the past five years, said Centre co-founder Robert Lawrence.

The event has inspired others in several U.S. states and countries, from Alaska to Germany, in which participants raise money in the privacy of their homes.

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U.S. says Canada cares too much about liberties

Jim Bronskill, with files from Janice Tibbetts 
The Ottawa Citizen

Thursday, May 01, 2003

The United States says the lack of funding for police and restrictive privacy legislation in Canada are frustrating probes of political extremists.

The comments in an annual report on international terrorism were the latest critical remarks from the U.S. apparently aimed at prodding Canada to bring its security measures in line.

The State Department report on global terrorism for 2002 suggests that while Canada has been helpful in the fight against terrorism, it doesn't spend enough on policing and places too much emphasis on civil liberties.

It says "some U.S. law enforcement officers have expressed concern" about Canadian privacy laws.

The U.S. officers feel those laws, as well as funding levels for law enforcement, "inhibit a fuller and more timely exchange of information and response to requests for assistance," the report says.

"Also, Canadian laws and regulations intended to protect Canadian citizens and landed immigrants from government intrusion sometimes limit the depth of investigations."

Despite the report's criticism of certain Canadian practices, it included effusive praise for the federal government's overall efforts to work with the U.S. in the fight against extremism, calling the relationship "a model for bilateral co-operation on counter-terrorism issues."

The same report took issue with Canada's move to make possession of small amounts of marijuana a ticketing offence rather than a criminal one. "This will not only harm Canadian society, but have consequences for the United States as well," the report said.

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Large is Beautiful At Jumbo Queen Pageant
Thu May 1,10:18 AM ET 

SAMPHRAN, Thailand - Rolls of glitter-sprinkled fat draped over the ladies' elbows. Their double and triple chins were caked in layers of foundation and blush. And when the Jumbo Queen contestants performed their dance numbers, the flab below their armpits jiggled.

But the 25 women relished being big and beautiful at the annual pageant that celebrated their oddness in a country where slender and petite frames are the norm.

"There are beauty pageants for people who are slender, and that's one form of beauty," said Kamonlak Chaichanajetjumnong, a 32-year-old contestant who weighs 187 pounds). "Then there's the pageant for us, and it's another kind of beauty. We are beautiful in our hearts and in our faces," said Kamonlak.

The Jumbo Queen this year was Nongnuch Paynguleaom, who weighed in at 209 pounds and went home $1,200 richer.

The 25-year-old, who is majoring in hotel and tourism at the Siam University in Bangkok, believed her dance number was the winning ticket.

"This stage could make me famous," Nongnuch said. "I want to be an actress, and this is a chance for me to show off my abilities."

The Jumbo Queen event was staged at the Samphran Elephant Ground and Zoo, 25 miles west of Bangkok, as part of the zoo's annual Jumbo Banquet elephant feast.

The winners were judged not only by their weight but also by their performances in talent contests and questions thrown at them by the hosts — Ornapa Krisadee, Thailand's leading transvestite actress and make up artist, and Tanongsak Supagam, a male actor.

Previous Jumbo Queens have gone onto local fame, acting in soap operas and performing in music videos.

Arunothai Kanjanasatit, 25 and 232 pounds, who failed to win anything last year, was the runner-up this time, winning a cash prize of $715.

"I tried to be more careful this year. I gained some weight, too," Arunothai said. "I want to stay the weight I am now because if I were skinny, I might not look as fresh and bright as I do now."

Most of the women looked at the pageant as a way to make fat friends. They say these new friends understand the difficulties they may face in society and additionally make ideal shopping partners for the extra-extra-large sizes.