Subject: Daily Dose - 040218 - evils of drink, BIZARRE NEWS,
English-as-a-second-language class, Kansas tollbooth, DDL, Rotten News
Arthur was sitting outside his local
pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself,
when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of
drink.
"You should be ashamed of
yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about
this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know, Sister? Have
you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is
right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of
course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink -
if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for
life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit
outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it
in a teacup for you, then no one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so
Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a
triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the
barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun
again is it?"
__________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Acts of Dumbness
A man who said he was "tired of
walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a chase that never went
over 5 mph. Finally, a police officer walked up and jumped onto the machine,
forcing the man to stop.
A businesswoman was at work one day
in San Francisco when a colleague saw her take out her credit card and slide it
into the 3.5-inch floppy drive on the computer. Her colleague asked her what
she was doing and she explained that she was shopping on the Internet.
A 23-year-old woman was arrested at
the Salt Lake City airport hotel when she tried to pay for her visit with three
$16 bills.
A man who installed windows in
skyscrapers was showing his customers how strong each pane of glass was by
getting a 10-foot running start and jumping against the windows from the
inside. However, the windows must not have been as strong as he thought: one shattered
and he plummeted 27 stories to his death.
Two Texas men tried to rob an ATM by
attaching the ends of a chain to the front of the machine and the bumper of
their truck. When they pulled, the bumper fell off the truck. The men then
panicked and fled the scene, failing to notice that their license plate was
still on the
bumper.
***
Caught With His Pants Up
SYDNEY - A bank robber who disguised
himself as Santa Claus will be spending Christmas in jail after he forgot about
the pants.
Gregory Harland-White's plan was to
rob a bank dressed as Santa, discard the suit in a horse trailer and make his
getaway on a bicycle. He had purchased a Santa suit from a chicken feed shop
near the bank and armed himself with two pieces of pipe taped together to
resemble a gun.
After robbing the bank,
Harland-White ran into a nearby house trailer to take off the suit and then
hurried towards his get away bicycle. Before he could make it to his bike,
however, he was caught because he was still wearing the Santa pants.
He pleaded guilty to bank robbery in
a court in Tasmania and is awaiting sentencing.
***
Everything and the Kitchen Sink
EXETER, England - A burglar has been
jailed in Exeter, England, after stealing a complete fitted kitchen, including
the sink, from a house and installing it in his own home.
According to the Exeter Express,
Patrick Corby stripped down the $49,500 kitchen in the Exeter house over
several days using power tools. He then carried off the units, freezer,
refrigerator, dresser and carpets and re-built the kitchen in his own home,
also in Exeter.
Andrew Weir, the owner of the house,
was living elsewhere. When the kitchen was later found, police discovered a
total of 84 items stolen from the unoccupied house.
Police said Corby was helped in the
burglary by 33-year-old William Roast, who had been illegally living there. The
absentee owner was shocked, according to prosecutor Richard Crabb, at the scene
of "utter devastation" he found.
Corby was sentenced to two years in
jail, Roast to one.
***
What a Cat-astrophe
LUMBERTON, TX - A 56-year-old man
dialed 911 and demanded that police arrest his fugitive cat. Police went to the
home, but it wasn't the cat that was arrested.
Police reports reveal that Lloyd
Gregory Coleman continuously called 911 to insist that officers come and arrest
his feline, who he claimed possessed outstanding warrants. Dispatchers warned
Coleman to stop calling 911, but he didn't listen.
When the cops arrived, Coleman let
them search his house for the cat. He also asked them to look for roaches -
because he had a lot of them. Police didn't find the cat, but they did discover
a prescription bottle of marijuana seeds.
Coleman was arrested on complaints
of abusing the 911 phone lines, and possession of drugs. Deputies couldn't
confirm if the outlaw cat was still at-large.
***
A Dopey Mistake
SYDNEY - An Australian man who
notified police to report that thieves were trying to break into his home and
steal his cannabis plants ended up getting arrested himself.
The police came to the house in
Adelaide, capital of the state of South Australia just after midnight to
discover four men trying to get away with the plants, which were being grown in
two rooms there. The men were arrested, along with the 23-year-old homeowner,
who was later charged with illegally growing 16 cannabis plants.
"He was calling from underneath
his bed," a police spokesman said. "I don't know what he was
thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product."
__________________________
In my English-as-a-second-language
class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the
students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your
body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a
watch.
A few days later we had a power
outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was
wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then
confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."
___________________________
My wife and I were traveling on the
Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked
the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"
The tollbooth attendant didn't miss
a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."
____________________________
DDL
A seamstress named Bertha Levine,
Caught her breast in her sewing machine.
She found, with a shudder,
That stitched on her udder,
Was "God Bless Our Home," done in green.
_____________________________
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the
things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in
their 40s.
***
"Children need encouragement.
So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he
develops a good, lucky feeling."
--Jack Handey
***
"'I have done that,' says my
memory. 'I cannot have done that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last
- memory yields."
--Friedrich Nietzsche
***
After 50 years of wondering why he
didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the
nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his
mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they
brought you back."
________________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Sex in a Car -- How Common?
LONDON (Reuters) - Two-thirds of
Britons have had sex in a car, according to a British Web Site launched on
Thursday advocating the joys of outdoor sex.
A survey of 1,500 people conducted
by Safeoutdoorsex.com indicated that notoriously prudish Britons are quite
uninhibited when it comes to their love lives.
It found that 94 percent of
respondents thought outdoor sex was a good way to maintain an exciting
relationship, with two-thirds admitting to having had sex in a car and nearly
half saying they had frolicked in a field.
The beach was the next most popular
location, with 40 percent finding it was a place that had fired their ardor.
"We are not advocating
exhibitionism, recklessness or indecency," said Katherine Govier,
organizer of the Web Site which is backed by condom maker Mates. "Safe
outdoor sex is about liberty and power and we believe that it's possible to
enjoy your love life to the full without falling foul of the law."
*********
Dyslexic ref avoided dishing out the
cards
Fri May 2, 5:33 AM ET
OSLO (Reuters) - Soccer players in
Norway rarely got sent off for ugly fouls when referee Per Arne Brataas was on
the pitch -- he suffered from dyslexia and hated having to write down names and
offences.
"I was reluctant to give red
cards. I didn't give yellow cards either so then I avoided having to write the
reports," he told the daily Verdens Gang on Friday.
Brataas, 52, was formerly a referee
in Norway's amateur fourth division. Referees have to fill in a form explaining
why they send off or caution players.
**********
"Pity Me" begs village
Fri May 2, 4:08 AM ET
By Gideon Long
PITY ME (Reuters) - "Pity
Me", pleads the signpost welcoming visitors to this County Durham village.
And as trucks rumble past on the
road to Newcastle while a brisk wind whips through the industrial estate, it is
difficult not to.
Pity Me is one of dozens of oddly
named villages in northern England -- legacies of the region's rich mix of
linguistic influences.
Just down the road is the village of
No Place, while over the Pennine hills in Cumbria is Great Cockup.
No one knows what, if anything, was
once brewed in the Northumbrian town of Once Brewed, or indeed in the
neighbouring village of Twice Brewed.
Further south, Yorkshire boasts the
villages of Crackpot, Fangfoss, Scagglethorpe, Blubberhouses, Slape Wath,
Wetwang and Great Fryup -- a name which for most Britons conjures up images of
sizzling bacon, sausages and fried eggs.
Pity Me is one of several English
place names which testify to the influence of French, imported to Britain after
the Norman invasion of 1066. The village was thought to have been sited on a
small lake, and took its name from Petit Mere, the French for Little Sea.
"A more fanciful suggestion is
that Saint Cuthbert's coffin was dropped here by wandering monks on their way
to Durham," local historian David Simpson writes on his website www.thenortheast.fsnet.co.uk,
which includes an exhaustive study of the origins of northern England's
colourful place names.
"The miracle-working saint is
said to have pleaded with the monks to be more careful and take pity on
him."
Dalton-le-Dale, Chester-le-Street,
Hetton-le-Hole and Haughton-le-Skerne provide further evidence of Norman French
influence on northern England's names.
Crackpot takes its name from the Old
English word for a crow, "kraka" and the Viking word "pot",
Simpson says. "A pot was usually a cavity or deep hole, often in the bed
of a river, but in Crackpot's case refers to a rift in the limestone," he
writes.
Great Fryup has nothing to do with
cooked breakfasts but means simply the big valley belonging to Freya.
"Freya was an Old Norse
personal name and also the name of the Norse goddess of fertility,"
Simpson says.
No one knows quite how No Place came
by its name but its residents are fond of it.
In 1983, the local authority tried
to rename the village Cooperative Villas -- a bright idea that provoked such a
wave of scorn from the villagers that it was hastily dropped.