Subject: Daily Dose - 040217 - special message, Hey Martha, WKRP Thanksgiving stunt, housekeeper, DDL, Rotten News

"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."

"Read it to me," the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."

The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"

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Hey Martha....  (True)

Sun, November 16, 2003

Beauty contest for camels

BEIJING (AP) - Shiny hair, upright humps, sharp outfits but definitely no swimsuit competition. If you're in the market for a beautiful camel, those are apparently the things you might want to consider.

And in northern China, they're doing just that - holding a dromedary beauty contest as part of what is billed as "the first international camel festival."

The beauty competition in the Inner Mongolia region attracted nearly 100 dressed-up camels "as well as more than 2,000 fans," China's Xinhua News Agency said Saturday.

It didn't specify who the "fans" were or where they came from.

The judges, mostly experienced camel herders, described the criteria for victory to Xinhua: The camels, they said, "should have good appearance - shiny hair and upright humps - and should be good dressers wearing beautiful halters and saddles in a proper way."

The contest was held in a community called Alxa League, known as the "camel hometown." It has one-third of China's camels and is the main habitat for the double-humped Bactrian camel, Xinhua said. The two-humped Bactrian is indigenous to Mongolia and was domesticated some 3,000 years ago.

Dry weather in recent years has hurt the area's environment, though and Xinhua said the number of camels has dropped to 68,000 from 250,000 in the 1980s.

Festival sponsors said they wanted the camel beauty competition to generate more attention for the beasts.

"We hope the government can set up a natural reserve and a genetic database for Bactrian camels to keep a stable population of the species, while promoting the development of camel product enterprises," said an Alxa League official, quoted by Xinhua.

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Sun, October 12, 2003

Wedding guests in Serbia accidentally shoot down small plane, media report

BELGRADE, Serbia-Montenegro (AP) - In an apparent first, wedding guests shooting off celebratory rounds in central Serbia brought down a small aircraft, local media reported Sunday.

The FoNet news agency reported that the plane's pilot and a passenger were seriously injured Friday after their single-engine Utva-75 plane crashed into a high-voltage power line in the village of Ratina, some 160 kilometres west of Belgrade.

"Shortly before the crash I saw the plane flying at a very low altitude over a wedding party when guests started firing their handguns and other weapons," witness Zoran Vukadinovic told FoNet. The left wing of the aircraft subsequently caught fire, and the plane crashed, he said.

Shootings and fatalities are frequent at Serbian weddings because of the centuries-long tradition of blasting away with firearms in celebration. It was the first known reported case, however, of an aircraft being brought down by trigger-happy partygoers.

Attempts to trace Vukadinovic were unsuccessful, with FoNet refusing to divulge his phone number. Police confirmed the plane crash but refused to discuss its cause.

The pilot apparently was unlicensed, said FoNet, citing authorities, and the flight was unauthorized.

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Fri, October 10, 2003

Mountain to be named after Arnie?

TBILISI, Georgia (AP) -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, who scaled to the top of California politics, could now get a mountain named after him in the former Soviet republic of Georgia.

But there's a catch: To receive the honor, the governor-elect of California must visit the country, a representative of Georgia's president said Friday.

The government of Georgia sent Schwarzenegger a letter of congratulations and an invitation to visit the country, said Temur Shashiashvili, who is President Eduard Shevardnadze's representative in western Imertia region.

Georgia, which borders Russia and Turkey, invited Schwarzenegger to visit in the past, but the actor-turned-politician was unable to make it, Shashiashvili said. At the time, the government planned to name the mountain in the Caucasus range in his honor.

Officials resurrected the idea for a Mount Schwarzenegger after the actor won the governor's race.

"Now, congratulating him on his win, we are again inviting him to visit us. And we hope that it will happen," Shashiashvili said. "We want to establish close contacts with California."

If the plan comes to fruition, the ceremony naming a peak after Schwarzenegger will be "a colorful show in which the leading role will be played by the renowned actor," he said.

The mountain in western Georgia does not currently have a name, and officials have declined to disclose its precise location and size.

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Les: It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving!...  From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!

Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this!

Johnny: Les? Are you there? Les isn't there. (composing himself) Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les, and for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

Mr Carlson: (bursting through door) As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

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Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

The plan backfired a bit. By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks Mom; keep up the good work."

____________________________

DDL

A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule.

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"In New Jersey hunters will soon be able to hunt bear. Hunting of bears is being made legal. A word to New Jersey residents - running over a bear in your Camaro is not hunting."
--Craig Kilborn

***

"I've been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: Brilliant but useless."
--Connor Cruise O'Brien.

***

"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill."
-Paul Wiley

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Rotten News...  (true)

Tue, Dec 30, 2003
Injured Biker Proposes at Crash Site   

PILOT MOUNTAIN, N.C. - As soon as a group of fellow bikers pulled the handlebars out of his abdomen after his motorcycle crash, Brian Shipwash wanted to do one more thing in case he died. So he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, broken and blood-spattered, with a ring inside and asked Shandra Miller to marry him.

She said yes.

"I said, 'Shandra, the reason we were going to Pilot Mountain today was so I could propose,'" Shipwash said Monday while recovering in his room at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center in Winston-Salem. "I said something like, 'I know this is not the best time in the world, but will you marry me?'"

Shipwash, 32, of Lexington, was riding his Harley-Davidson up Pilot Mountain on Sunday afternoon with Miller hugging his back. As they came to a curve, Shipwash lost control, crossed the center lane and slammed into the side of a pickup. The collision sent the couple flying. The handlebars on Shipwash's motorcycle stuck 6 inches into his abdomen.

"I was crying at the time because of the wreck," Miller said. "But when I saw it (the ring), I just started crying even more."

Among those who stopped to help were about 10 bikers on Harley-Davidsons who pulled the motorcycle off Shipwash.

Shipwash suffered no injuries to any major organs, breaking his left hand and right leg. He was in good condition Tuesday. Miller, 29, also of Lexington, said she suffered only a sore knee.

Neither the pickup driver nor his four passengers were injured. No tickets were issued.

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Lose 1,100 Lb in Four Months with Zoo Diet

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - This diet really works!

Koala, a female elephant in Rio de Janeiro Zoo, lost some 1,100 lb (500 kg) in about four months without any exercise after peanuts and bread were completely taken out of her diet and her ration of bananas was halved to just 120 a day.

'She had a huge rear part with excessive fat on the sides,' biologist Valdir Ramos Junior told Reuters on Thursday. Koala started on the diet weighing 5 tons eight months ago, but lost most of the weight in the past four months, he said.

'But the diet wasn't just for the looks, as despite having very strong legs, their tendons are very sensitive ... and a lot of weight can cause tendon problems.'

Koala turns 39 on Saturday. She is now eating 330 pounds (150 kg) of food per day, mostly grass, as well as vegetables and various fruit. The desirable weight for her would be 4.2 tons, Ramos said.

(a low-carb diet that works for elephants too.)

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Israeli Cop Mistakenly Undressed, Fondled at Party

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli policeman responding to neighbors' complaints about a rowdy hen party received an unexpected welcome at the door when revelers mistook him for a stripper and began to take off his clothes and stroke him.

"The women had ordered a stripper dressed as a police officer," national police spokesman Gil Kleiman said on Monday.

The policeman showed the women his badge but they thought it was part of the act. He was extricated only after his partner came up and vouched for his identity, Kleiman said.

"She took off my shirt and untied my shoelaces," the officer was quoted by the Yedioth Ahronoth daily as saying about one of the partygoers. "She started stroking me and called on her friends to join in."