Subject: Daily Dose - 040215 - Collection from George in Winnipeg
My best friend in high-school -
George - passes these along....
******
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a
huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are
Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on
your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man,
"whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the
man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's
Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?"
asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus'
office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
_____________________________
WHO'S THE MOST CANADIAN ???
Two families move from India to
Canada.
When they arrive, the fathers make
each other a bet--in a year's time, whichever family has become more Canadian
will win.
A year later when they meet again,
the first guy says, "My son's playing hockey, I had Tim Horton's for
breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a two-four for tonight. How about you,
eh?"
The second guy says, "Screw
you, Pakki."
_____________________________
How to say 'I love you' in 25
languages.....
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri,
Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of
Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
____________________________
I thought you would want to know
about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were
born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Cau ses you to hit
"SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE
VIRUS."
_____________________________
A pensioner was driving down the M11
when he had a call on his mobile. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Peter, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on the motorway. Please be careful!"
"Nothing strange about
that" said Peter, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
_____________________________
Inventions
A scientist invented a bra that
offered so much support women would no longer have to worry about their breasts
bouncing up and down when they went jogging.
After he announced his invention at
a conference, the men in the group took him outside and beat the shit out of
him.
______________________________
Letter Home From a Kentucky
Hillbilly in the Army
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother
Walt and brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick, before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first, because you got to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m., but
am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it ain't bad, they git warm
water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,
but kinda weak on chops, potatoes, grits, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie, and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you till noon,
when you get fed again.
It ain't no wonder these city boys
can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which, the Sgt. says, are
long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him
different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then, the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country
is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school
board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don't bother
none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals for
shootin'. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and
don't move. And it ain't shooting back, like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellows get on
to this setup and come stampeding in.
Yore lovin daughter,
Gail
__________________________
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND
BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for
the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many
Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe
without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up
in their In Box or on their browser.
The Gullibility Virus, as it is
called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes
relating to cookie recipes, E-Mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick
schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should be included here].
"These are not just readers of tabloids
or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a
spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the
same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However,
once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and
bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe
every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even
though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission,
added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without
question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header,
so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said,
before she could stand up at a Hoaxes Anonymous meeting and state, "My
name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the
word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine
themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
* the willingness to believe
improbable stories without thinking
* the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
* a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true
T.C. is an example of someone
recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major
ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped
using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would
stop reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is
urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of
gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up
the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Courses in critical thinking are
also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including
* Department of Energy Computer
Incident Advisory Capability at <http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html>
* Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at <http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html>
* McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at <http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html>
* Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at <http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html>
* The Urban Legends Web Site at <http://www.urbanlegends.com>
* Urban Legends Reference Pages at <http://www.snopes.com>
* Datafellows Hoax Warnings at <http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm>
Those people who are still symptom
free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading
some good material on evaluating sources, such as
* Evaluating Internet Research
Sources at <http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm>
* Evaluation of Information Sources at <http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm>
* Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at <http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM>
Lastly, as a public service,
Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of
this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.