Subject: Daily Dose - 040211 - giant balloon, BIZARRE NEWS, airline attendant's plea, DDL, Rotten News

The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession. There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."

__________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Questions Asked on a Cruise

Do these steps go up or down?

What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

Does the crew sleep on the ship?

Is this island completely surrounded by water?

Does the ship make its own electricity?

Is it salt water in the toilets?

What elevation are we at?

There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

***

The Grass is Always Greener in Vermont

CHARLOTTE, Vt. - Vermont may no longer be part of the United States if a small group of citizens has its way.

The Second Vermont Republic is attempting to get the state's 600,000 residents to agree to secession to avoid what leader Thomas Naylor calls "imperial overstretch" and "corporate homogenization."

Naylor says that the state is a rural area that has nothing in common with large cities such as Chicago or Los Angeles. He believes that separating from the Union is the only way to be sure the "Green Mountain State" stays green. Naylor hopes the secession will be non-violent and insists that his goal is just to free Vermont from the other 49 states.

The Second Vermont Republic only has a few hundred members at the moment but Naylor is sure that his plan will be successful. He is also hoping to convince New Hampshire, Maine and Quebec to join them in forming a new country.

***

Underwear (Greetings) for Every Occasion

LAGUNA BEACH, Calif. - Two California entrepreneurs have created a new type of greeting card that is sure to make the folks at Hallmark blush - cards with the inside message printed on a sexy black thong.

Kim Leone and Ann Mohler's creation is called Polka Dot Greetingwear and features racy holiday greetings that include a card reading "Peace on Earth" on the outside and "Goodwill Toward Men" on the underwear. There's also one that says "Round yon" on the outside and "virgin" on the inside.

Mohler says the idea for the panty cards came from a brainstorming session where she and Leone and a few friends came up with the goofiest sayings they would like to see printed on underwear. The panty greetings aren't just limited to Christmas - you can pick one up for bachelorette parties, birthdays and even a divorce card that says "Yay you're getting divorced" and contains a pair of underwear that reads "open season."

***

An Alarming Assault

NARA, Japan - A Japanese woman has been arrested after unleashing a day-long sonic assault on a neighbor with blasting radios and alarm clocks, police said.

Kayoko Deguchi, 47, was arrested for inflicting bodily injury after her noisy alleged assault left her 53-year-old neighbor with chronic headaches. Relations between Deguchi and her neighbor had been strained for some time.

Police said on almost every day from February to September this year, Deguchi had placed radios with the volume at the maximum level next to windows facing her neighbor's home and let them play. She also set off a series of alarm clocks to heighten the noise, creating chronic headaches for the neighbor. Some days, the radio would be left on from dawn to dusk.

Police visited Deguchi's home several times, but she refused to respond. Police raided Deguchi's home twice up until Dec. 3, seizing six radios or radio cassette recorders and nine alarm clocks.

***

This Salon Will Never Go Out of Style

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. - Stylists at A Little Off The Top salon are giving men motivation to come in for their haircut - by wearing only lingerie as they work.

The "gentleman's salon" offers haircuts, manicures, pedicures, massages, tanning and waxing with half-naked stylists to do it all.

Some residents are not happy with the skimpy attire, but others insist it is all in good fun. "Most of the guys I've seen in here," said Eric Labeaux, a client and friend of the owner, "they're bald."

Owner Steve Gurule and his wife and manager, Monica Gurule, are hoping to link hair cuts and lingerie in the same way that Hooters linked tight tank tops with buffalo wings.

Not only do the girls look good cutting hair, but Gurule reassures customers that they really are good at cutting hair and are licensed with the state.

___________________________

As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing:

"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."

___________________________

DDL

Said an angry young damsel, "What meanness!
First a fellow will brag of his penis,
Then you say, 'Come on, lover,
Why don't you uncover?'
And he does - and you're shocked at the wee-ness."

___________________________

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
--Unknown

***

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
--Unknown

***

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
--Jack Handey

__________________________

Rotten News...   (true)

Oregon County Seeks Klingon Interpreter
Sat May 10, 5:43 PM ET

PORTLAND, Ore. - Position Available: Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon.

The language created for the "Star Trek" TV series and movies is one of about 55 needed by the office that treats mental health patients in metropolitan Multnomah County.

"We have to provide information in all the languages our clients speak," said Jerry Jelusich, a procurement specialist for the county Department of Human Services, which serves about 60,000 mental health clients.

Although created for works of fiction, Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary. And now Multnomah County research has found that many people — and not just fans — consider it a complete language.

"There are some cases where we've had mental health patients where this was all they would speak," said the county's purchasing administrator, Franna Hathaway.

County officials said that obligates them to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter, putting the language of starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on a par with common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese, and less common tongues including Dari and Tongan.

*********

Search for Klingon Interpreter Called Off

PORTLAND, Ore. - Sorry, potential Klingon interpreters. Officials have said they won't be needing your services, after all.

The office that treats mental health patients in Multnomah County had included Klingon on a list of 55 languages that could be spoken by incoming patients. But the inclusion of the Star Trek language drew a spate of tongue-in-cheek headlines.

And now the county has rescinded its call, stressing that it hasn't spent a penny of public money on Klingon interpretation.

"It was a mistake, and a result of an overzealous attempt to ensure that our safety net systems can respond to all customers and clients," Multnomah County chair Diane Linn said in a news release.

County officials had previously said that no patient had ever come in speaking only Klingon, but that the county would pay a Klingon interpreter in the unlikely case one was actually needed.

*********

Wed, May 7, 2003

Nude models at art college join union, seeking better working conditions
By MARYCLAIRE DALE

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - Complaining of low pay, cold rooms and air laden with paint fumes and charcoal dust, models who pose nude at a Philadelphia art school voted Wednesday to join a union.

"We were at a loss about how to get the schools to pay attention to us," said Claire Hankins, 39, who led the effort to organize artists' models at the Moore College of Art and Design. The union vote came after the National Labor Relations Board rejected the school's argument that the models are independent contractors.

"We feel they are sporadic, occasional employees hired for a specific service, as opposed to employees that we can depend on," said Moore president Happy Craven Fernandez. She said Moore administrators had not gotten any complaints from models about working conditions.

Based on the NLRB ruling, only 13 models at the school had worked enough hours to vote on whether to join District Council 47 of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees. Hankins said seven of the 13 attended Wednesday's meeting and all voted to unionize.

The local - which also represents white-collar city workers and zoo employees - wants to organize about 200 models who pose for art classes in the Philadelphia region, which is also home to the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts and several other art schools.

Gary Kapanowski, a District 47 organizer, said he does not know of any other school in the country where nude models have organized, though he hopes that will change. "The labour movement needs to reach out to constituencies beyond the normal groups," he said.

Hankins wants the all-women's art school to raise its $11 US hourly rate and provide its 40 to 60 models with warm, clean, safe spaces in which to work.

Cheryl Breese, 41, does not support efforts to unionize her fellow art class models. Breese, who is raising two teenagers and working on a college degree, made just $12,000 last year, but worries she would lose flexibility if the jobs were unionized.

"Most of us go into this job because of the freedom it presents," said Breese, who does not work at Moore.