Subject: Daily Dose - 040208 - More groaners

Time for some more groaners....  don't blame me - I just pass them along, I don't write them.

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Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France.

Bob talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite works of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the beautiful French women.

Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you didn't like about France?"

"Well," Bob replies, "there was one thing that was strange about it. In France, anything you eat, anything you drink, even the air that you breathe over there cleans out your colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out."

So Joe says, "Gee, with France like that, who needs enemas?"

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John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.

John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity".

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Three Indian women were pregnant and the time of their deliveries was drawing near. They all entered the maternity tepee.

The maternity tepee was equipped with two deer hides and a hippopotamus skin -- a bed for each of the women.

Finally the babes were delivered. Two of the babes weighed 6 pounds each and the thirds weighed 12 pounds.

This goes to show that

"The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other 2 hides."

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It was very windy, and this particular little girl was only six years old and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her over.

Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said. "What in the world are you doing?"

The little girl replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."

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At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the porpoises could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The scouts would amuse themselves by throwing the scraps from their meals to the porpoises every evening.

Because of this the camp's chef would announce the meals by yelling, "It's chow time... for all in tents and porpoises!"

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A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs. But as the weeks went by they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.

He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."

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A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

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Some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'"

The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

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My Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the stew pot and was replaced.

Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. However, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walkon to the next one. Uncle John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges awarded Brewster two prizes,

1) The No Bell Prize

and

2) The Pullet Surprise.