Subject: Daily Dose - 040128 - Guido's new mansion, BIZARRE NEWS, famous battle cry, DDL, Rotten News

Since the Eid Al-Adha and Arafat Day are next week - we get another week off. So there will be no DDs for a week. Cheers!

*********

Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores.

Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself.

Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room. One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"

The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.

Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.

The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!"

Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!"

"Sir?"

"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"

__________________________

BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:  "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

At a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.

***

Crash and Burn

A Miami woman crashed her car into a gas pump at a gas station, causing the pump to explode, all because the clerk wouldn't sell her alcohol, according to police.

The woman, who appeared inebriated, entered at the gas station/convenience store at 5 a.m. and wanted to buy beer or wine, the Miami Herald reports. The clerk refused because city and county ordinances prohibit the sale of alcohol before 6 a.m. The woman left, but once in her car she raced it backward, striking the gas pump, which exploded and erupted into flames.

A shattered bumper was left behind as the woman fled.

***

A Loo-py Art Exhibit

Those who feel answering the call of nature can be an artistic event should head for London's Tate Britain gallery.

Los Angeles-based Italian artist Monica Bonvicini has installed a public loo made of one-way mirrored glass on the grounds of the former Royal Army Medical College.

A spokesman for the artist agreed people might feel uncomfortable using the facility. "They may be wary of desecrating a work of art or may be uneasy that because they can see out, other people can see in. There could be this feeling that there is some form of switch to change it and let people see in, but of course there isn't."

When the Millbank Penitentiary occupied the site, it was from there prisoners were held before being shipped to their exile in Australia. In recognition, the cubicle contains a prison toilet.

***

Mayonnaise Causes McFury

HOUSTON - A Texas woman got so upset at a McDonald's because she wanted mayonnaise on her cheeseburger that she ran over the manager with her car.

Waynetta Nolan was sentenced to 10 years in prison Thursday after the McDonald's manager, Sherry Jenkins, said she gave Nolan the mayo she wanted, but she flew into a rage anyway. Nolan threw her cheeseburger into the drive-through window and continued to make demands until Jenkins called police.

She went outside to write down Nolan's license plate number and Nolan ran her over, breaking her pelvis. Nolan claimed that she was putting ketchup on her burger and her car accidentally rolled forward into Jenkins.

***

Terrorist Tunes

Christmas carols are a form of terrorism? Well, according to an Austrian union that represents store workers, the answer is yes.

The union believes the constant playing of Christmas tunes is a type of "psycho-terrorism" that can cause workers to suffer psychologically. In fact, Gotfried Rieser, of the Union of Private Employees, is requesting that stores only play carols a few hours a day and restrict them to departments that sell Christmas presents.

He claims that employees "get aggressions and aversions against Christmas music" when exposed to it for long periods of time.

Stores employers' spokesman Franz Penz says CD players allow stores to play a large number of songs. "It practically doesn't happen that the same Christmas tune is played over and over again," he says.

__________________________

After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for Texans?"

One student's response:  "Remember the alimony!"

___________________________

DDL

I teach software to sit up and beg,
But last session I sure laid an egg:
My OS last night
Learned to bark, growl, and bite,
Now the PC is mounting my leg!

___________________________

"People say I must be a horrible person. That's not true. I have the heart of a young boy......on my desk."
--Stephen King

___________________________

"The cause of every war in the world can be traced back to one of four things: prejudice, land, belief and the British."

___________________________

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".

____________________________

Rotten News...   (true)

Belly Flop Turns Rotten With Dead Fish Antic
By Stephanie Tavares - Staff Writer
Wednesday, May 7, 2003

Courtesy of Andrea Holland

The belly flop contest at Sunday's Delta Gamma Anchor Splash went belly up when the dead catfish being used as an aquatic mace fought back, sticking Kevin Sanderson in the forehead.

Junior business economics major Kevin Sanderson was sent to the hospital Sunday after a mishap in the belly flop competition at the Delta Gamma Anchor Splash. Sanderson entered the competition with three of his Sigma Chi fraternity brothers - Jeff Thorp, Sten Ericson and Gavin Kelly - and three dead catfish. During the course of events, Sanderson ended up with a fish stuck to his face and a trip to the hospital.

"It was hilarious," Sanderson said. "The guys were laughing and I was laughing too, but the girls were all screaming."

As part of their performance, the fraternity brothers threw the three catfish into Campus Pool, performed their belly flops, swam after the fish and then planned to beat each other in the head with them. Unaware that their fish of choice- the catfish - have sharp, pronged spines in their pectoral and dorsal fins, Thorp began pummeling Sanderson over the head with one of the fish.

"It was part of the skit to hit each other," Thorp said. "If he hadn't hit me, I would have hit him."

The final blow came when one of the fish's inch-long spines got stuck in Sanderson's forehead.

"I thought it was stuck in my hair, and I kept telling Jeff [Thorp] to get it out of my hair, but it was actually stuck in my head," Sanderson said. "It didn't hurt at all. I couldn't even feel it until he started trying to pull it out."

Thorp and Ericson tried to pull the fish off Sanderson's forehead but called the lifeguard to the side of the pool when they were unable to do so. The lifeguard was also unable to free the fish and called the paramedics who arrived and cut the fish's fin off its body, freeing it from Sanderson's head, but leaving the dorsal spine to be removed at the hospital. Sanderson's fraternity brothers took the fish home and have saved it as a keepsake.

"We totally saved the fish, it's in our freezer," Sanderson said.

Despite the group's harrowing antics, they failed to get the top score in the belly flop contest.

*********

Bird-watcher killed as goose hits motorcycle

LIZ MONTEIRO
TORSTAR NEWS SERVICE

Bill Wilson had two favourite activities in life — riding his motorcycle and bird-watching. And moments before the 56-year-old Kitchener man died Sunday, he was enjoying both pastimes.

Wilson was riding his 1983 Goldwing Honda on Burlington's Cedar Springs road with two other friends when he noticed geese on the side of the road.

Lynne Wilson, 55, said her husband slowed down, as he often did, to take a look.

Halton police said a goose flew up from the side of the road and crashed into the windshield of his motorcycle before striking him in the chest.

The retired teacher lost control of his bike and struck a tree in a ditch.

He was pronounced dead at Joseph Brant Memorial Hospital in Burlington Sunday afternoon. The goose also died.

His wife said she's stunned by the freak accident. "It just sounds ridiculous ... the irony of it all," she said, recalling Wilson's love of birds.

**********

College Offers Drag Queen Make-Up Course

MELBOURNE, Australia (Reuters) - An Australian college has introduced a drag queen make-up course to meet rising demand for the skill to hide beard shadows and to enter the glitzy glamour of the drag world.

The short course, targeted at occasional drag queens, cross dressers and make-up students, has also sparked wider community interest from those who want to know the basics about the thick, theatrical style make-up.

"Even the quietest, shyest person really comes to life," make-up artist and Swinburne University of Technology lecturer Michael Schifferle told Reuters on Wednesday. "It is a way of transforming yourself. I think there is a suppressed performer in everybody."

Students will have the opportunity to don wigs and their favorite dresses at the end of the make-up course as they take on their complete drag queen persona.

Schifferle said cross-dressing movies such as "The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert" and "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" had sparked interest in drag queens, but they were part of history over thousands of years.

"It is a serious art form, but it is a bit of fun too, as all make-up should be," he said.