Subject: Daily Dose - 040126 - difference between lawyers, BIZARRE NEWS,
LIFE'S IDIOSYNCRASIES, DDL, Rotten News
The priest was instructing a class
of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and
one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and
corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal
in a tiny, dark cell."
"But the other brother studied
hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer."
"Now, children, what is the
difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who
together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said,
"Easy. One of them got caught."
__________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
A Brush With Fate
AUSTRALIA - A brush turkey thought
he had met his match when a man fell into a mating hole in a Burleigh park and
was almost buried alive.
The man was walking along a track
when he fell into the 'hole of love' and was buried up to his head. It is
thought that a brush turkey discovered the man shortly after he fell and attempted
to bury him in a mating ritual. The man was stuck in the hole for awhile until
someone noticed him and called emergency services.
Several fire crews came to the scene
and fought back laughter as they retrieved him from the hole. A wildlife ranger
said that December was the frisky season for brush turkeys.
Just last week signs warning people
of wild turkeys were put up in the national park.
***
Their Plan Went up in Smoke
BERLIN - German police arrested a
shoplifter after he raised suspicion by waddling through a supermarket. It was
discovered that he was hiding 177 packs of cigarettes in his trousers.
"He'd filled his trousers in
the truest sense of the word," a police spokesman for the western town of
Olpe said Friday. "They were so full of stolen goods he could hardly
walk."
The thief, in his twenties, was
aided by three accomplices who created a shield by holding newspapers in front
of the man and his bulging pants, said police. The supermarket staff alerted
police, who arrested the four as they tried to transfer the packs into their
vehicle.
__________________________
LIFE'S IDIOSYNCRASIES.....
1) Now that food has replaced sex in
my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a
sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore. I get
the same effect just from standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world.
But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I
really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political
jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every
divorce: Yours and crap for brains.
11. I love being married. It's so great
to find that one special person, you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is
perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday, I beat my own previous
record for number of consecutive days that I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two
people to run for President, and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section
in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it, that most nudists are
people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven
unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles
bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been.
_____________________________
DDL
There was a young nympho named
Myrtle
Who had a heated affair with a turtle
But the thing most phenominal
Was a swelling (abdominal)
Which proved to Myrtle the turtle was fertile
_____________________________
I was watching the Discovery Channel
and turkeys are amazing creatures. They have been bred over hundreds of years
to have small brains, big breasts, and peck at food. So they're like the
supermodels of the animal kingdom.
---Jay Leno
*******
People who never get carried away
should be.
---Malcolm Forbes
*******
Christmas is weird. What other time
of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
---Marsha Coleman
*******
Q: What do you call a 200 lb.
woman who likes to screw men and women at the same time?
A: A bisexual built for two.
*******
If your tires are bald, expect hairy
driving.
*******
Q: What do you call a smiling
Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator.
*******
Doctors are not publicizing one
major side effect of the impotency drug Viagra. Men will be forced to make
conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in.
___________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Tuesday, 9 December, 2003, 09:27
GMT
DIY cruise missile thwarted
A New Zealand man who built a cruise
missile in his garage claims the New Zealand government forced him to shut down
his project after coming under pressure from the United States.
Bruce Simpson says he built the
missile using parts bought off the internet to show how easily it could be
done.
He says he attracted considerable
interest from potential buyers - including an offer from Iran to pay him for
details of his research.
"The New Zealand government at
first said I had done nothing illegal. But then a US official was quoted as
saying it was 'extremely unhelpful', " Mr Simpson told BBC News Online.
"The authorities here finally
decided to bankrupt me over a tax debt and I have now had to give the missile
to a friend for safe keeping."
Although his own missile building
days have come to an end, he believes he has proved his point - "that by
using off-the-shelf technology in a suburban garage a terrorist can create a
weapon against which there is no effective defence."
New Zealand officials have said they
cannot comment for reasons of "secrecy".
*******
Indian Teachers Banned From Knitting
Wed Dec 10, 6:30 AM ET
By BABU LAL SHARMA, Associated Press Writer
LUCKNOW, India - Teachers in India's
most populous state have been told to stop knitting in classrooms and pay more
attention to their students.
"They are often more interested
in knitting than in teaching," Neera Yadav, the principal secretary of
education for Uttar Pradesh, told The Associated Press in the state capital
Lucknow on Wednesday. "All the officials — including teachers and clerks —
in the primary and secondary sections have been banned from knitting on school
premises during teaching hours."
Complaints from parent groups
prompted the ban, which went into effect Nov. 26.
Teachers, however, are fighting
back.
"People concentrate better when
they knit," argued Panchanan Rai, a teachers' representative in the state
legislature.
"What's wrong if they sit in
the staff room and knit during free periods?" asked R.P. Mishra, a
spokesman for the Uttar Pradesh Secondary Education Teachers' Association,
calling the ban "dictatorial."
Mishra said the teachers have
threatened to strike for the right to knit, but the government has not
responded.
*******
Woman Sentenced for High-Speed
Nursing
Fri Dec 5,10:22 AM ET
RAVENNA, Ohio - A woman who nursed
her infant while driving 65 mph on the Ohio Turnpike was sentenced to three
months of house arrest for violating child-restraint laws.
Catherine Nicole Donkers, 29, was
also fined $300 Thursday. The judge delayed the sentence for one month so she
can pursue her appeal.
Donkers was found guilty in August
of three traffic-related charges. She was found innocent of child endangering.
Donkers said her husband ordered her
by cell phone to breast-feed their 7-month-old daughter to save time while she
drove on the turnpike May 8. Police stopped Donkers after a trucker who saw her
holding the baby on her lap called 911.
Donkers testified she did nothing
wrong because the couple's religious beliefs require her to follow her
husband's directives. They belong to the First Christian Fellowship for Eternal
Sovereignty, which has a history of challenging the government.