Subject: Daily Dose - 040124 - great old tunes, BIZARRE NEWS, census taker, DDL, Rotten News

For all who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of the old artists have re-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan - "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Creedence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

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BIZARRE NEWS.....

Creatures with Bizarre Sexual Habits

After mating, the male garter snake from North America closes up the female's sexual opening with a plug made from kidney secretions. This is a form of chastity belt to ensure that the female is fertilized by the first male to mate with her.

The seahorse is the only creature where the male becomes pregnant. The female inserts a nipple-like appendage into the male and releases her eggs into a special pouch in his stomach. He then discharges his sperm over them and his stomach takes on the rounded shape once the eggs are fertilized.

The female bedbug has no sexual opening, so the male creates his own vagina, using his curved, pointed penis as a drill. The male then inserts his sperm and the blood-sucking female feeds on some of it when blood is in short supply.

After the female praying mantis mates with her partner, she then eats him. The female hooks her deadly arms around him and slowly nibbles away at him during copulation. Sometimes she doesn't even wait until after sex to make him her next meal, but his sex drive is so strong that he can keep going even while being eaten.

The male swamp antechinus, a mouse-like marsupial from Australia, is the only mammal which dies after mating. The males dedicate their lives to non-stop mating until they literally drop dead. Most of them die of starvation because they have no time to eat between sex.

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A Pointed Message

DALLAS - Thanks to an angry woman in Dallas, needlepointing has just gotten a little sharper.

Julie Jackson runs subversivecrossstitch.com, a website that provides needlepoint kits for those who are mad as hell. Jackson started the site a year ago after working for a hellish boss and taking up needlepoint as therapy. However, instead of stitching up nice little messages such as "God Bless Our Home," she chose sayings like "Candy Ass, What Makes You Think I Care?" and "Go F*** Youself."

She has found the needlepoint kits to be extremely popular, particularly with gloomy teenagers. Only one person criticized the kits and thought the patterns were bad. But Jackson feels that a person stitching up "Go F*** Youself" isn't going to be too concerned about the intricacies of cross stitching.

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Santa Sparks a Security Scare

Over 100 staff had to be evacuated from the Bank of Scotland's headquarters on Edinburgh's Mound last Friday after a bomb squad was called in to detonate a chocolate Santa.

The workers panicked after mistaking the string used to tie the chocolate to the Christmas tree for wiring. Before the bomb squad could blow up the chocolate Santa, the person who sent it was traced and put an end to the scare by revealing what was inside.

One police officer said that the X-ray machine picked up the gold string and it looked like wiring. Everyone had a laugh when the package was opened and the chocolate Santa fell out. An employee remarked that all of the staff were jumpy and realized the need for high security.

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Beef Up the Bonus

MONTREAL - To award good workers who received top marks on customer service, Air Canada decided to present 100 randomly picked top employees with a bonus - a whopping hamburger coupon worth $3.78 that expires in five weeks.

Employees graced with the award were sent a personal letter containing the coupon, redeemable until Dec. 31 at the Harvey's hamburger chain, Second Cup coffee shops or other restaurant outlet owned by Cara Operations Ltd.

Since the coupons soon expire, they came at no cost to the carrier. Some Air Canada employees had to forgo a bonus earlier this year when the airline won court protection from its creditors and extracted about $840,000 worth of concessions from its unions.

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He's One Strong Mother Fakir

AHMEDABAB, India - Physicians are reportedly baffled by an Indian holy man who claims not to have eaten or drunk anything for decades, but who is in perfect health.

Prahlad Jani, who is over 70 years old, was placed under constant observation for 10 days in an Indian hospital. The hospital's deputy superintendent, Dr. Dinesh Desai, said the holy man -- or fakir -- did not consume anything and "neither did he pass urine or stool," yet he remained in good mental and physical condition.

Physicians say most people can live without food for several weeks, but the average human can survive for only three to four days without water. Jani spent his 10 days in the hospital within a specially prepared room with a sealed toilet and under constant video surveillance.

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The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."

Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions.

"How many children do you have?" he asked.

"Eighteen," the lady replied.

"Lady," he gasped, "You're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"

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DDL

I'm not at all bothered to fly,
And the following thought made me sigh:
I would be delighted,
If we flew united;
We'd join in that club that's mile high.

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"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host!'"
--Dorothy Parker, a famous early 20th century American poetess

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What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow's disease?

Two tits!

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Q:  Which of King Arthur's Knights designed the round table?

A:  Sir Cumforance.

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Rotten News....  (true)

Oops! Vicar gives out porn films
Fri Dec 5,11:23 AM ET 

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German vicar inadvertently supplied his parish with dozens of hard core porn films in an unsuccessful bid to teach people about the life of Christ.

Frithjof Schwesig, vicar in the southwestern town of Lampoldshausen, had ordered 300 copies of a video film portraying the life of Christ as told by the gospel according to Luke.

"In a first batch 20 to 30 videos were distributed and we immediately got a reaction from five to seven people saying we must have given them the wrong film," he said. "It was a real porn film. Within an hour our staff had collected all the videos. Really, all were withdrawn."

Schwesig said there had been a mistake at the Munich video copying plant and his staff established in a viewing session that night that 200 of the videos were pornographic.

Undaunted, Schwesig said he was pressing ahead with the life of Christ video campaign.

"It's extremely successful," he said.

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Stylist's Hair Catches Fire at Gas Pump
Fri Dec 5,12:50 PM ET

ALBANY, Ga. - A hair stylist was pumping gas into her car when her hair burst into flames.

"That scared me to death," said stylist Traci Marshall.

The fire was probably caused by static electricity from Marshall's hair rubbing against her clothes, said her husband, Camilla firefighter Lt. Bill Marshall.

The static electricity apparently mixed with gas fumes and ignited the fire Sunday.

"I started beating my hair to get out the fire and saw flames coming out of the gas tank," she said.

A man with a fire extinguisher put out the blaze. Traci Marshall had to cut her hair and get her truck repaired. Bill Marshall advised people to ground themselves before pumping gas by touching the metal of their cars.

"Once you get out of your vehicle, don't get back into the vehicle until you are through," he said.

Officials also remind people to turn off cell phones and pagers when pumping gas because those devices can also spark explosions.

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"We have a contestant who is an 18-year-old from the Amish country. I don't think she really knew what she was getting herself into. Another, a 20-year-old, has only been with one man her whole life. One of the girls had never kissed a girl before and was weirded out by it."

--MARY CAREY, the porn actress who ran for governor of California and now is working on a reality show in which aspirants audition for a porn movie, quoted in the New York Post.

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"The queen said to me, 'You've obviously been doing what you do for a very long time, haven't you?' I felt like saying, 'And so have you.' But I didn't want to give the knighthood back immediately, so for once in my life I kept my big mouth shut."

-- MICHAEL CAINE, 70, telling the New York Daily News what went on when he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2000.