Subject: Daily Dose - 040118 - VIRGIN TEST, BIZARRE NEWS, comfortable
underwear, DDL, Rotten News
VIRGIN TEST
Two guys are discussing one's
upcoming wedding...
"I'm not sure if my future
bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's
an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint
and a shovel. You paint one of your testicles red and the other one
blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest
balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre American Local Laws
In Alaska, it is illegal to look at
a moose from the window of an aircraft or any other flying vehicle.
In Oklahoma, it is illegal to catch
whales or to get a fish drunk. Oklahoma is an inland state.
In Milwaukee, residents must keep
pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.
In Muncie, Indiana, it is illegal to
carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.
A law at Kirkland, Illinois, forbids
bees from flying over the town.
An Ohio law states that pets have to
carry lights on their tails at night.
At Greene, New York State, it is
against the law to walk backwards while eating peanuts during a concert.
In Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are
prohibited from eating onions between the hours of 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.
At International Falls, Minnesota,
it is illegal for a dog to chase a cat up a telegraph pole. Owners are liable
to be fined.
It is illegal to carry an ice cream
cone in your pockets in Lexington,
Kentucky.
***
Stick a Chopstick in Me, I'm Done
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - When
surgeons were treating a man for an eye infection, they found something they
didn't expect - part of a wooden chopstick embedded in his face.
The eating utensil was lodged in
tissue between his eyes and was discovered during exploratory surgery to remove
an unknown foreign object. According to Dr. Gurdeep Singh Mann, the patient, Ng
Keng Choon, was lucky to be alive because the chopstick had been leaning
against his brain.
Ng had been beaten up five years ago
by attackers who stabbed him with the chopstick. Gurdeep said, "We have
checked medical journals and found out that this could well be the first time
in the world where a chopstick was found inside a patient's face."
***
Looking For a Good Hump
BEIJING - Those in the market for a
beautiful camel had their chance to see China's finest at "the first
international camel festival."
The dromedary beauty contest
featured only those camels with shiny hair, upright humps, and a good fashion
sense. According to the judges, the animals had to wear "beautiful halters
and saddles in a proper way."
The beauty contest in the Inner
Mongolia region attracted about 100 dressed-up camels and over 2,000 fans. It
was not specified who the "fans" were or where they came from.
Sponsors of the festival said they
hoped the camel beauty competition would generate more attention for the
beasts.
***
He Just Needed a Little Change
EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. - A man and a
pay phone were rushed to the hospital after he managed to get his finger firmly
wedged in the coin return slot while attempting to retrieve his change.
Doctors gave Emanuel Fleming a
painkiller and pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and
lubricant. Fleming had been trying to call his wife from the phone, but the
line was busy. When two passers-by were unable to help him, he used his free
hand to call 911.
Emergency crews and a representative
of the company that owns the phone arrived at the scene, but were also unable
to free Fleming.
Not knowing what else to do,
ambulance crew members cut the phone off at the base and brought it and Fleming
to the hospital.
_______________________
When my wife had to rush to the
hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One
item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I
asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them
on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
_______________________
DDL
A tipsy old Scotsman, MacGregor
Got so pissed one night at a kegger
He drank til he dropped,
And up his kilt popped...
Revealing his unclothed third-legger
________________________
"According to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), today's
turkeys are so fat that they can't stand, they're susceptible to heart attacks,
and they have trouble mating. I'm sorry, but that's us they're talking about."
--Jay Leno
***
"A publishing company is
releasing a new Bible for teenagers. You can tell that it's geared towards
teens because at one point David totally wails on Goliath."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"One thing I hope I'll never be
is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this
town again!"
--Jim Carrey
___________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Tue, Dec 23, 2003
Diamond Dispatch Dropped in Dustbin
AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Thousands of
Dutch residents were rummaging through their rubbish in a diamond rush after a
jeweler's anniversary dispatch was largely ignored as junk mail, a newspaper
reported Monday.
Johan de Boer of the eastern Dutch
town of Apeldoorn sent 4,000 clients a mailing to mark the 10th anniversary of
his store. Two hundred of the envelopes contained a small diamond, while the
others held zirconia stones -- a cheap diamond-lookalike used in costume
jewelry. "Are you the lucky one?" the letters asked.
De Boer had expected a flood of
responses, but only a few people turned up. After calling a number of clients,
he discovered most had discarded the mailing without opening it.
"I was very naive. People
nowadays do not trust mailings like these anymore," he told De Telegraaf
newspaper.
Sending precious stones, fake as
well as real ones, to clients and contacts is not unusual in the Netherlands,
known for its Amsterdam diamond-cutting industry.
*********
Mon, Dec 22, 2003
Fishermen Dress Lobster As Barbie
MOUNT DESERT ISLAND, Maine -
Practical jokers Jim Bright and Chris Costello never imagined that their idea
of dressing a female lobster in a Barbie outfit — accessorized with pink high
heels — would save her from the steam pot.
But it did — at least 10 times.
As a gag, the fishermen clad the
crustacean and placed her in a friend's trap last September.
"It's a monotony hauling traps
day after day," said Costello, "and we just wanted to break it up a
little bit. It totally worked."
Barbie Lobster, as she has come to
be known, has been hauled up — and thrown back — at least 10 times. The radios
used by lobstermen buzzed with chatter and laughter each time a new sighting of
Barbie was reported.
Costello made a special trip to
Wal-Mart to buy the blue blouse, red- and white-checkered skirt and shoes. The
men had wanted to dress up a jumbo lobster, but it was too fat to fit into a
Barbie ensemble. Instead, they chose a svelte 1 1/2-pound model.
"They slipped right on, just
like Cinderella," Bright said of the footwear.
Costello disagreed, saying it was a
challenge to put the high heels on the little lobster legs. There are four legs
on each side so the men attached them to the two in the center.
"You try squeezing Barbie shoes
on a lobster," he said. "That was the most time-consuming
thing."
Barbie hasn't been seen since early
December and apparently was unkempt and nearly naked, except for her shoes.
If she survives a few more months,
she may be home free for another season, Costello said.
"We have our spring fashions
all ready to go," he said.
********
Woman Gets Bank Deposit With
Breakfast
Fri Dec 19, 6:51 AM ET
WESTON, Fla. - A mother of three got
a lot more than she ordered at a McDonald's drive-thru. Janice Meissner ordered
a bagel and a Diet Coke for breakfast last week, but when she got her food bag
it seemed "super heavy."
That was because it had hundreds, if
not thousands, of dollars in a sealed plastic bag — money that turned out to be
the restaurant's bank deposit.
McDonald's officials, who wouldn't
say exactly how much was involved, said the deposit was placed in a food bag as
a security procedure to make it less conspicuous before it was taken to the
bank.
They said it was accidentally left
too close to the drive-thru window of the Weston fast-food chain.
"Someone didn't check twice
before sending it out the window, obviously," said spokeswoman Beth
Plotkin.
Meissner, who had just dropped off
her 5-year-old daughter at preschool, paused for a moment before backing up her
minivan to the pickup window and returning the money to the employee who handed
her the bag.
"I said, `Do you want to know
what was in this bag?'" Meissner recalled. "She turned white as a
ghost. She didn't realize the money was missing yet. She thanked me. And that
was that."
McDonald's officials said Thursday
they are going to send Meissner a thank-you letter and $50 in gift certificates.