Subject: Daily Dose - 040117 - BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP, THIS is TRUE, TONGUE TWISTER, DDL, Rotten News

BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion in Beverly Hills."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

______________________________

THIS is TRUE....

MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT: An appeals court in Canada heard a judge fell asleep during a criminal trial. Lawyers weren't sure what to do when Toronto, Ont., Justice Ayres Couto dozed off during a cross-examination. Crown Attorney Jennifer Strasberg decided to drop a copy of the 2,136-page Criminal Code on the judge's desk to wake him up. "I dropped the Code and His Honour was visibly stirred from his slumber," she testified later. The judge went on to convict the man, but the appeals court reversed that decision. (Toronto Star)
...To stir the judge, drop the Code on his desk. To keep him awake, drop it on his thumb.

*******

A 6 ON THE RICHTER SCALE: Ryan Richter, 16, was drawing a sketch in class at LaBelle High School in LaBelle, Fla. Another student who saw the drawing told administrators that one of the stick figures was a student, and another stick figure, with a gun, represented Richter. That's a "violent threat", the school decided, and Richter was suspended for a week, and the school recommended he attend an "alternative" school for 45 days so he can be evaluated for emotional problems. Superintendent Thomas Conner said the district was strict about such things even before they adopted a zero tolerance policy. "I think everybody's awareness level is a little bit higher, and that's positive," he said. (Ft Myers News-Press)
...Of course the figures were violent: they were carrying sticks!

********

AGAINST THE ODDS: School bus driver Stephen Cooke, 60, of Roswell, Ga., discovered he was one of three multi-million-dollar winners of the 10-state Mega Millions lottery. When he turned in his ticket at the lottery office they asked him if he had bought any other tickets -- their computer showed that a second winning ticket had been bought at the same place he bought his, and at the same time. A security guard accompanied him home, where he found that he had accidentally bought another ticket with the same number, doubling his $13.3 million win to $26.6 million. He also had two $150 winners. Meanwhile, a group of 16 public school employees in Holdingford, Minn., pooled their money to buy Powerball lottery tickets -- and won the $95.5 million jackpot. But, they say, the school won't see an exodus of employees. Kathy Welle, one of the winners, says she won't stop washing dishes in the cafeteria, and "I don't plan to quit my other job, driving a school bus for the district, either," she says. "What else would I do? What else would any of us do?" (Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Minneapolis Star Tribune)
...Showing public schools don't just destroy the students' imaginations.

*********

GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT: The results of the election in Boone County, Ind., are in: all 144,000 votes were automatically counted on the county's new computerized voting terminals. There's just one little problem: Boone County has less than 19,000 registered voters, and only 5,352 of them showed up to vote. When County Clerk Lisa Garofolo saw the numbers, "I about had a heart attack," she said. "Believe me, there was nobody more shook up than I was." (Indianapolis Star)
...Chicago officials have asked for the exact model number so they can buy the same machines.

**********

SCHOOL OFFICIALS COMPETE FOR STUDENT SUSPENSION RECORD: "Students Compete for Pillow Fight Record"
-- AP headline

________________________________

TONGUE TWISTER

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

________________________________

DDL

There once was an Abbot, most docile
Who found a remarkable fossil.
He could tell by the bend
And the wart on the end,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.

_________________________________

[The following quotes are attributed to that post-modern cosmopolite, philosopher and raconteur, Foghorn Leghorn.]

Now what, I say what's the big idea of bashin' me on the noggin with a rollin' pin? Clunk enough people and we'll have a nation of lumpheads."

***

"Pay attention, boy. I'm cutting but you ain't bleeding."

***

"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a tin roof."

***

"Oh, that woman. Gotta mouth like an outboard motor. All the time putputputputputput..."

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Rotten News...  (true)

Tue, Dec 23, 2003
Cat Rides 150 Miles in Car's Engine, OK   

ROCHESTER HILLS, Mich. - For Tracker, the car ride from the Kalamazoo area to Rochester Hills was long, and could have cost him a life or two.

The long-haired gray cat rode unseen in the engine compartment of a female college student's car as she drove home for the holidays. Officials at Pontiac's Michigan Animal Rescue League, the feline's current home, say he probably survived the 150 mile-trip in the Chevrolet Tracker because the woman did not stop.

"He was very lucky," Patricia Verduin, the league's board president told The Daily Oakland Press of Pontiac.

Verduin said when the woman, who declined to give her name to the league, reached home "she heard this intense kitty-crying."

"She thought she'd run over a cat," Verduin said.

The woman and her family searched around the car. When they finally lifted the hood, they found a cat sitting on top of the engine.

"He was sitting very still," Verduin said. "It was like he didn't know what to do."

Tracker, a Russian Blue-angora mixed breed who emerged from his experience unscathed, may have slipped into the engine compartment to keep warm.

**********

Tue, Dec 23, 2003
Loose screw halts nuclear power station  

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish nuclear power station has been shut indefinitely because of a small missing screw weighing just four to five grammes that fell off a machine during refuelling, nuclear officials say.

The Zorita plant, located in the central Castille-La Mancha region, cannot reopen until a full report on the screw is completed, a spokesman for the national Nuclear Security Council told Reuters on Monday.

Staff searched for the screw with cameras, but after failing to locate it on film, they concluded it must have slipped into an area of the reactor that was inaccessible to cameras, the spokesman said.

He said it was unlikely the missing screw would present any risk.

***********

Tue, Dec 23, 2003
Man Says He Gave Wife Toilet Seat As Gift   

LONGMONT, Colo. - Gary and Karri Clark haven't forgotten their second Christmas together. He knew she wanted bathroom accessories, so he wrapped up a couple of gifts and waited.

The toilet seat and towel rack didn't go over too well.

"Here I thought I was doing good," he recalled with a laugh. "It was something she can always use, day after day. It's the gift that keeps on giving."

The Clarks were among those who responded to requests by the Daily Times-Call newspaper to share their stories about bungled gifts and best intentions — the waffle makers, blenders and vacuum cleaners given with love and practicality in mind that will never be forgotten or forgiven.

Karri Clark admits she wanted a new toilet seat a decade ago because there was a crack in the old one. She just didn't think she'd get one gift wrapped.

"I could not believe it," she said. "What man gives you a toilet seat for Christmas?"

Stan Stanley said he learned his lesson about practical gifts in the early 1980s after presenting his wife with a garage door opener one Christmas. There was no entrance from the garage into the house, a source of irritation for Connie Stanley.

"I was so excited about opening it. I had no idea what it was," she said. After 57 years of marriage, she said, she has to forgive Stan when he makes a mistake like that.

Tom Tinkle remembers giving his wife a birthday blender and how she did a wonderful job of oohing and aahing before setting the box aside. When she finally took the blender out of the box, she discovered a sapphire bracelet slipped inside.

"It was a surprise for her and possibly made her rethink her opinions of her doofus husband giving her a bonehead blender for a gift," Tinkle said.

Gary Clark admits his bathroom gifts were out of desperation: It was Christmas Eve, he was at Kmart and he couldn't think of what to buy his wife.

"She wanted it, but not for Christmas," he said. Since then, he's done better: His wife received a Ford Explorer for her birthday this year.