Subject: Daily Dose - 040114 - YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING, BIZARRE NEWS, ice
fishing, DDL,Rotten News
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING
A lot of people asked me where the
saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. It so happens I
know.
Way back, George Washington was
crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the
boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was
tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal
Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He
ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were
heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain,
swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit
and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched
for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his
troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied
the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and
his men could go no further.
One of his men said, "General,
I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge
house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of
ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the
door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam
looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across
her face to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up, "Ma'am,
I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and
exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the
men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General,
you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and
comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington said, "Well ma'am,
there are thirty two of us without Peters."
She looked at him and said: "You
gotta be kiddin' me."
_______________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre World Records
Longest Milk Squirt from the Eye
Mike Moraal of British Columbia,
Canada, squirted milk from his eye a distance of 2.615m on French television on
September 7, 2001.
Most Worms Eaten in 30 Seconds
Mark Hogg swallowed 94 worms in 30
seconds on the set of an American TV show in October 2000.
Most Feet and Armpits Sniffed
Madeline Albrecht was employed in
Cincinnati, Ohio, at a lab testing products for Dr Scholl. She worked there for
15 years and had to smell approximately 5,600 feet and an indeterminate number
of armpits.
Farthest Eyeball Popper
On June 13, 1998, Kim Goodman of
Chicago popped her eyeballs to 11mm beyond her eye sockets.
Most Pierced Person
In January 1997, Elaine Davidson of
Edinburgh had her first body piercing. As of May 2003, the total has risen to a
record-breaking 1,500 piercings.
Longest Leg Hair
A hair grown just below the knee of
the right leg of Brit Julian Rowe reached a length of 10.1cm when measured in
West Yorkshire on July 2, 2002.
Farthest Nasal Ejection - Spaghetti
Kevin Cole of New Mexico holds the
record for the longest spaghetti strand ejected from a nostril in a single
blow. On December 16, 1998, he successfully achieved a distance of 19cm.
Most Scorpions Eaten
The most live scorpions eaten in a
lifetime by a human is approxi Alvarenga of El Salvador. He catches them with
his bare hands and eats between 20 and 30 of them every day.
***
Feeling a Little Winded
CORAL GABLES, Fla - Two kite surfers
were sent hurtling into a parking lot after high winds lifted them off of the
South Florida waters.
They flew into a parking lot at
Matheson Hammock Park where one collided with a car and suffered severe head
injuries. He was taken to Ryder Trauma Center. Wind gusts as high as 35 miles
an hour caused waves of up to 11 feet along the coast.
A high surf advisory was issued by
the National Weather Service. The wind came from different weather systems
funneling air between them.
About 5,000 residents were also left
without power in Palm Beach County and thousands more in Broward and Miami-Dade
Counties.
***
Hooters vs. Gobblers: Who Will Win?
SOUTH NORWALK, Conn. - Some turkeys
will have their lives on the line as they compete against four Hooters girls in
a competition sponsored by the Outdoor Life Network.
Organizer Brian Williams describes
it as a battle "between six of Connecticut's largest turkeys and four of
America's most beautiful Hooters girls." The girls and the gobblers must
compete in a pumpkin-pie eating contest, a limbo event and a football match.
If the turkeys are victorious, they
will be allowed to live and not end up as somebody's Thanksgiving dinner. No
word on whether the Hooters girls will win anything if they beat the turkeys.
The competition will be broadcast
Thanksgiving night during a marathon of the OLN series, "Beach
Ambush."
***
A Nasty Food Fight
LOS ANGELES - A former waiter who
was unhappy with complaints about his service decided to take matters into his
own hands.
Jonathan Voeltner was working at the
Norco Sizzler when he had an argument with a couple over a baked potato. He
later visited their home and covered it in toilet paper and pelted it with eggs
and bottles of syrup.
After he pleaded guilty to
misdemeanor charges of vandalism, he apologized to Wayne and Darlene Keller. He
was sentenced to two years of probation, 80 hours of community service and made
to pay a $316 fine.
He was immediately fired from the
Sizzler after his arrest.
The Kellers have since moved from to
a new resident because they feared further retaliation.
***
It All Started From a Scratch
MADRID, Spain - A driver was pulled
over by highway police who thought he was on his cell phone while motoring.
However, lawyer Tomas Valdivielso was innocently scratching his ear. As proof,
he showed the two cops that the last call on his phone was from the night
before.
The pair huddled, then returned and
slapped him with a $70 fine anyway. To Valdivielso's disbelief, the officers
charged him with driving while "holding his ear with his right hand in a
permanent fashion."
"Am I on hidden camera?"
an amazed Valdivielso remembers asking. He filed a 10-page appeal that says the
fine did not say which ear was being held, or even how many ears he has. He
also argued that Spanish law does not ban scratching while driving or make
drivers pull over to do it.
___________________________
It was a cold winter day. An old man
walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing
line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy
walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy
dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his
eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy
pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish
after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've
been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few
minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo
reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old
man asked.
Again the boy responded,
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums
rarrm."
"Look," said the old man,
"I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spit the bait into his hand
and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
________________________
DDL
There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.
__________________________
"A Pennsylvania woman convicted
of shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter'.
However, her laywers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading
"I'd Rather Be Stealing".
--Jimmy Fallon
***
"You know how it is with cops.
I'll get shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it
retirony."
--Chief Wiggum on "The Simpsons"
***
"I think the pilot on my last
trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement,
'We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!'"
--Unknown
___________________________
Rotten News... (true)
Monday, December 29, 2003
250 cheer loo sex couple
By DUNCAN LARCOMBE
A RANDY couple on a holiday jet were
cheered by 250 passengers — when they were exposed bonking in the loo.
The lovers sneaked into a tiny
cubicle during a four-hour flight home from Tenerife. When the 757’s cabin crew
noticed it had been engaged for more than 15 minutes, a steward went to
investigate.
After hearing grunts and groans
through the door, he decided to unlock it from the outside — and revealed the
naked couple in mid-romp.
One passenger by the loo said:
“There was a woman facing the wall and her companion standing behind with his
trousers round his ankles.
“When they realised someone had
opened the door, they just froze. And when it dawned on them that half the
aeroplane was watching, their faces went beetroot red. There were at least 60
of us in stitches. Even the three cabin staff burst out laughing.”
The couple — in their late thirties
— then got a round of applause as they made their way back to their seats.
The eyewitness added: “The journey
from then on must have felt like the longest flight of their lives.”
And as they stepped off the flight
the woman said “happy Christmas” to a crew member. But one wag passenger at the
back shouted, “I think you’ve already had your stuffing!”
The incident happened on Thomas Cook
flight TCX18L to Gatwick, which landed at 7.30pm last Tuesday.
The man had Beckham-style blond hair
and wore a white jumper and blue jeans. His companion had bleach-blonde hair
and was in a dark outfit.
Last night Thomas Cook said: “There
was an incident with a couple in the toilet. They appear to have taken the
Christmas spirit too far.”
*********
Wed, Dec 24, 2003
French Health Watchdog Issues Oyster Shell Alert
PARIS (Reuters) - Anxious to show
vigilance after being criticized in August for failing to warn the public of an
impending heatwave, France's national health watchdog issued a stern warning on
Tuesday about the dangers of opening oysters.
"Numerous severe accidental
injuries take place during the opening of oysters, which are consumed in
particularly large quantities during end-year festivities," the INVS
watchdog said in a statement.
It said some 2,000 people cut
themselves each year while trying to pry open oysters, 800 of them in December
or January. Around 20 percent of such accidents require hospital treatment.
"One should, wherever possible,
try to prevent such accidents happening, by taking simple precautions,"
the INVS said. "Sit yourself down comfortably with an oyster knife and the
appropriate know-how, and either use hand protection or get an oyster-seller to
open them."
The French slurp down thousands of
oysters, many of them farmed off the west coast, over the Christmas and New
Year period.
French authorities have taken pains
to give the public advance warning of the risks of floods and cold weather, as
well as a flu epidemic, after failing to warn of the dangers of an August
heatwave that killed 15,000 mainly elderly people.
*********
Wed, Dec 24, 2003
Man Commits Suicide to Escape Nagging Wife
DAR ES SALAAM, Tanzania (Reuters) -
A Tanzanian man killed himself by drinking a chemical used in cattle dips,
leaving a suicide note saying it was to escape a nagging wife, police said on
Wednesday.
The body of the 32-year-old was
found in the commercial capital Dar es Salaam on Sunday with the suicide note
and a glass containing traces of the chemical, used for killing insects on
livestock, regional police commissioner Alfred Tibaigana told Reuters.
"I've decided to end my
life," Tibaigana quoted the suicide note as saying. "I am fed up with
the constant nagging of my first wife."
Police did not have any further
details about the man's death in the east African country, where polygamy is
common.