Subject: Daily Dose - 040113 - LUSTED, BIZARRE NEWS, "Secs", DDL,
Rotten News
LUSTED
Melvin goes to confession.....
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you
do, my son?"
"I lusted," Melvin replied.
"Tell me about it," the
priest said.
Melvin then related his story.
"Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in
the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair
and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed
her perfect figure. And, she asked seductively if I would like to come
in."
"And, what did you do, my
son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the
house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been
forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven,
my son."
"A reward, father? What do you
think my reward might be?" Melvin asked.
The priest replied, "I think a
bale of hay would be appropriate . . . you dumb ass."
___________________________
BIZARRE NEWS....
Bizarre Kids' Opinions
On Marriage: "Twenty-three is
the best age, because you know the person forever by then."
-Cameron, age 10
On Kissing: "You should never
kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR,
'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Jim, age 10
On Relationships: "Dates are
for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys
have something to say if you listen long enough."
-Lynette, age 8
On Beauty: "It isn't always how
you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to
marry me yet."
-Brian, age 7
On Science: "Some people can
tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make
out the numbers."
-Connie, age 11
On Love: "One of you should
know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is
still going to be a lot of bills."
-Ava, age 8
On Science: "Talc is found on
rocks and on babies."
-Freddie, age 10
***
Quite a Gamble
FLORENCE, Colo. - If you are going
to rob a casino, it might not be a good idea to buy a $6,000 used
Harley-Davidson motorcycle with a stack of $20 bills.
Jason Cody Jones, a former guard at
J.P. McGill's casino in Cripple Creek, learned this the hard way. He robbed the
casino and then used the bills to purchase the motorcycle, a pickup truck and
police badges for the Victor Police Department where he went to work after he
quit the casino.
When he bought the truck, he told
the dealership that he was from Cripple Creek but had not won a jackpot in the
town. After appearing in court on suspicion of burglary and theft, he was
released on $100,000 bond and will appear in court again.
***
Got Milk?
Advertising to sell excess breast
milk seemed like a good idea to a Salt Lake City woman, but it created a lot of
lactose indignation, a newspaper reports.
An unidentified 23-year-old woman
who thought she would help other new mothers by offering her own excess milk
placed an ad in the Salt Lake Tribune. However, she had to withdraw her offer
after receiving one too many prank phone calls.
One man inquired if it came in
chocolate while another wondered if he could buy an endless supply to use as a
protein drink.
Health care officials also called to
complain about the risk of breast milk from unknown sources spreading diseases
and infections. The ad offered the frozen milk for sale at $1 an ounce or $350
for the whole lot.
By mutual consent, the woman and the
Tribune agreed to pull the ad.
***
This Fish Tastes Like Rubber
LOS ANGELES - A woman was enjoying a
bowl of clam chowder in a fancy restaurant when she discovered something that
didn't belong in the soup - a condom.
Laila Sultan and her three friends
were having a meal when Sultan found the offending object. "I thought it
was calamari or shrimp or something so I chewed one more," she said.
"It felt rubbery. I told my friends, 'My God, there's something in my
mouth.'" She spit the rubber into a napkin and at first thought it was a
latex glove. When her friend realized what it was, Sultan rushed to the
bathroom and threw up everything she ate.
The four women are now suing the
restaurant for negligence and intentional infliction of emotional distress.
Patrick Stark, the attorney for McCormick & Schmicks Seafood Restaurant,
said that the staff had no clue how the condom got into the chowder.
***
You Can Never Be Too Clean
ISTANBUL - A man who had been locked
naked in the bathroom for three years was released after his mother, alerted by
neighbors, called the police.
Orhan Babutcu, 41, had been locked
in the room by his wife, who claimed he was mentally disturbed. He was found
naked and traumatized sitting on the shower tiles near the toilet, with a bowl
of food on the floor. His wife, Kevser Babutcu, said it was clear her husband
was mentally unstable since he took three showers a day. She was going to
request a divorce after 15 years of marriage.
"Her goal was to make me sick
so that I'd die and she'd inherit my fortune," her husband said. She had
been having a good time with other men while her spouse was locked away in the
bathroom.
He is receiving psychiatric help and
she will be charged.
___________________________
"Secs"
I called my 7-year old son to dinner
last night, telling him that it was almost ready. "Just a sec," he
said.
Five minutes passed.
"Dinnertime," I told him.
"Just a sec," he said.
"No more," I told him.
"I warned you a few minutes ago."
Silence, as he continued working on
whatever project he was working on. I reached over and took it away from him.
"No more secs means NO MORE SECS."
As I spoke the words, I realized I
sounded just like my wife.
_____________________________
DDL
She lay there asleep in her silken
bed,
Her passionate appetite adequately fed.
Upon her face a smile of contentment,
But not over the size of my implement
Cuz she wasn't laid, but eaten instead
_____________________________
"My vision is to make the most
diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in
this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every
planet, of every country on earth."
--Former California Gov. Gray Davis, during the recall campaign.
***
"You know you're getting old
when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow THIS
out.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
***
"A graduate student in Michigan
announced that after eight years of searching, his computer has discovered the
longest prime number in history. Not surprisingly, the student has yet to
discover a girl's phone number."
--Conan O'Brien
_____________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Hugh flees from hookers
Friday, January 2, 2004
From ANDREW DRUMMOND
in Bangkok
SHOCKED Hugh Grant fled a Bangkok
bar chased by dozens of hookers trying to grab his WILLY. The movie
heart-throb ventured in for a drink with two minders and ended up scarpering
with his hands in front of his crotch.
Hugh, 43 in Thailand filming the
sequel to Bridget Joness Diary only managed to down one beer before two
girls dancing in bikinis recognised him and leapt from the stage.
They made a beeline for his flies
as is the custom among Bangkok tarts. A horde of others taking a break between
dances joined them.
One of the girls, a 23-year-old
beauty called Tippawan, said yesterday: The girls were dancing to One Night In
Bangkok. They jumped from the stage and went straight for him together with the
others. Hugh clutched himself with his hands.
Hugh, who was famously arrested in
his car with Hollywood hooker Divine Brown, had gone with his bodyguards to a
street called Soi Cowboy notorious for its go-go bars, naked dancers and
ladyboy transvestites.
The red-faced actor was in the Tilac
bar when he was spotted.
Tippawan said sadly: He would have
been a good catch. But I guess he did not feel comfortable. He hurried out
and left the street.
Earlier the star had suffered more
embarrassment while filming a scene with an elephant.
The animal turned out to have a weak
bladder and Hugh wound up having to change his clothes.
*********
Wednesday, 31 December, 2003, 13:16
GMT
New Year's flying fridges warning
South African police will crack down
hard on anybody throwing old fridges from high-rise buildings during the New
Year's holiday, they say.
Police and soldiers are on patrol in
Johannesburg's notorious Hillbrow suburb, famous for the practice. Throwing
heavy objects from balconies and firing guns have become something of a bad
"New Year's institution," said police Inspector Kriben Naidoo.
Revellers have been killed in the past after being hit by stray bullets.
It is not clear why Hillbrow
residents have taken to seeing in the New Year by throwing objects such as
fridges, microwave ovens, beds, rubbish bins and condoms out of their windows.
Some also aim their New Year fireworks horizontally, so they go from one
high-rise apartment into another.
Police wear helmets and bullet-proof
vests when on duty on New Year's Eve, reports AFP news agency.
"We have given out thousands of
pamphlets pleading with people not to throw objects, including things like
refrigerators, from their balconies, as well as asking people not to fire
celebratory shots in the air," said Inspector Naidoo.
He said armoured vehicles would be
stationed throughout Hillbrow and the police would raid any buildings where
there were problems.
A private medical services
spokesperson said doctors and paramedics would be deployed in Hillbrow and an
emergency centre had been set up at a fire station to deal with injuries.
"We will have at least four
doctors and more than 20 medical personnel working around the clock in a
combined effort with provincial health authorities," said Mandy Toubkin.
*********
Zilwaukee Lawmaker Seeks Beard
Mandate
Wed Dec 31,10:54 AM ET
DETROIT - The men of Zilwaukee may
soon face a hairy dilemma every morning.
Some city council members want to
require all adult men to grow beards or buy a $10 shaving permit as part of
celebrations of the town's 150th anniversary.
City council member Robert Bohnsack,
who proposed the regulation, said the council would vote on it Monday.
If it passes, men in the town of
about 1,800 would stop shaving as early as Jan. 6 and keep growing their facial
hair until the anniversary celebrations in June, when a beard-growing contest
would be held.
Bohnsack said the draft of the
proclamation mirrored one adopted for Zilwaukee's centennial in 1954 except then
the permit cost $3.
Supporters said the proposal was
serious but not too serious.
"If you don't want to pay the
fine, that's cool," said council member Eugene Jolin, who, like Bohnsack,
is bearded. "We don't want to make anybody mad."
If the proposed shaving ban seems a
bit unusual, so is the very town founding it is meant to celebrate.
The lumber entrepreneurs who founded
Zilwaukee intentionally gave it a name that sounded like another city
Milwaukee and many early arrivals were duped into thinking they were going to
the more established Wisconsin town, Jolin said.