Subject: Daily Dose - 040111 - looks kind of dangerous, BIZARRE NEWS, office computer system, DDL, Rotten News

Sven & Olie, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.

"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."

Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride."

Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun. After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster.

"Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."

"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."

"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster."

Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad. After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump.

"Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."

"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line."

"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."

"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay."

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BIZARRE NEWS....

Bizarre Inventions

* Inventor Troy Hurtubise invented the Ursus Mark VI Bear-proof Suit after finding himself underneath the claws of a grizzly bear. The suit was made of chain mail from France, titanium outer plates from Hamilton, Ontario, and fireproof rubber exterior from Minnesota. It also included a ventilation system, a miniature wide-angle viewscreen, and a finger-activated "blaster can" of bear repellent.

To test his invention, Hurtubise staged 18 collisions with a pickup truck traveling at 35 mph and was shot with Sabot slugs from a 12-gauge shotgun. When he attempted trials with real bears, black bears near his home only ran from sight when he came near. After investing $110,000 of his own money and still owing over $36,000 in outstanding debt, the suit was auctioned off to the highest bidder.

* Dr. John Harvey Kellogg invented the Battle Creek Vibratory Chair. Kellogg was obsessed with human bowels and his true love was poking and prodding his patients' bowels. His vibrating chair was meant to shake patients violently, supposedly to stimulate intestinal peristalsis. The Battle Creek Sanitarium (the "San") where Kellogg worked eventually burned down and Kellogg's brother Will Keith turned part of the San's diet program into what is now known as Kellogg's Corn Flakes.

* Brooks Stevens, along with others, invented a shoe fitting X-ray. Although he was not the inventor of the X-ray fluoroscope, his design and branding popularized shoe fitting by X-ray in the 1940s and 1950s. At this time, several upscale shoe stores had an X-ray device. By inserting your foot, the shoe salesman could turn on the X-ray machine and keep it humming for as long as it took to show how well the shoe fit. The shoe-fitting fluoroscopes were later banned when medical science discovered the harms of long exposure to radiation.

* A parachute fire escape was invented by someone whose name has been lost to time. This seemed like an important invention when it was patented in 1879 because there were no fire escapes or sprinkler systems. When a fire occurred, a person could put on a head-mounted parachute and thick foam shoes and "safely jump out of the window...from any height, and land without injury and without the least damage, on the ground." This invention needed major improvements since it took too long to put it on while panicking, the waxed material and foam was much too flammable, and the pain of a soft body hitting a hard surface was not lessened by the parachute. It was made obsolete with the adoption of fire safety regulations.

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Stuck in a Tangled Web

LONDON - An angry 36-year-old father decided to protest over the enforcement of father's rights to see their children by dressing up as his daughter's favorite hero Spiderman and barricading himself in a crane over Tower Bridge.

Police were forced to close one of London's main road arteries to seal off the area around the crane, causing many disgruntled commuters to lose sympathy for the dad. David Chick left the crane once on Tuesday to punch the air and walk along the crane's arm.

Police felt it was not safe to remove Chick by force but planned to arrest him. Chick, who has not been able to see his daughter for over eight months, strolled the crane on Friday but resisted attempts to talk him down. He had indoor fireworks in the crane along with enough food to last another week.

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A Well Hung Feline

NORWAY - Police in Rolvsoey had a busy day on Thursday. First they were called by horrified passersbys who had noticed a cat swinging from a flagpole. After they retrieved the dead feline, they received a phone call from the owner of the flagpole who inquired if they had taken care of the animal. The owner told police that the animal always broke into his pigeon home and had killed three of his carrier pigeons earlier that week. He put out a trap for the tabby to protect his birds and later found the cat dead.

"I then chose to hang the cat from the flagpole so it would be easier for the owner to find him," he told police.

Police only had the pigeon owner's word that the cat was dead before it was put up on the flagpole. "We've only kept the cat so it won't be hanging around," police chief Geir Kristiansen said.

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Busted in the Buff

MADISON, Wis. - Two lawyers were caught naked while they were drying off in the laundry room of a downtown apartment building after the University of Wisconsin's football victory over Ohio State.

David Burleson and Todd Buss, both 40, told police that their clothes were soaked due to rain at the game and a building resident told them they could dry off in the laundry room.

The two were charged with disorderly conduct for being "extremely uncooperative" with police. According to officers, they were "extremely intoxicated" and singing loudly when the cops arrived.

The pair attempted to cover themselves with a skull cap and a mesh laundry bag.

Burleson and Buss pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct and were fined $200 and court costs.

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Pulling a Fast One

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - Getting a speeding ticket isn't fun, but not many would go through the effort Carlos DeMarco did to avoid one.

The Sydney man was accused of attempting to get out of two fines by taking a 70km/h speed limit sign and sticking it under the speed camera that caught him in a 60km/h zone. However, his plan fell apart when he was spotted taking pictures of the sign and the speed camera as proof of his innocence.

Traffic Authority officers discovered the sign had been attached to a power pole with roofing screws.

The local court found out that DeMarco was caught speeding in a 60km/h zone twice last year, doing 70km/h the first time and 75km/h the second. In total, he ended up paying $1246 in fines and expenses.

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Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping, and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."

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DDL

There once was an Iraqi king
who teased a Fighting Machine
He stood bigger and richer
through statues and pictures
but, like him, they're no longer seen.

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'In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.'
~ Mark Twain

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Q. What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A. Christopher Walken

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'Women are like pianos. When they are not upright,they are grand.'
- Benny Hill

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Rotten News...  (true)

WALL ST. 'SPECULATOR' PICKS THE WRONG POCKET

By ERIKA MARTINEZ and MARK BULLIET

November 18, 2003 -- A lottery winner had a run-in with a real loser yesterday.

The unidentified winner had just collected his $2,500 windfall at the New York State Lottery's claims center at 1:30 p.m., and was heading into the subway on Wall Street, when a pickpocket tried to lift the loot.

Bad move. The sticky-fingered bandit - identified as Everett Jones, 21, of Marconi Street, Brooklyn - discovered the area was blanketed with cops. The lottery winner, who turned to confront the pickpocket, struggled out of the subway and was knocked to the ground when he reached the street, eyewitnesses said.

"The guy on the ground started to shout 'Police - help me, anybody,' and people jumped on [his attacker]," said Bank of New York security guard Robert Smykowski.

Within minutes an army of cops had descended on the scene. The pickpocket "chose the wrong area," said Smykowski. "There are cops all over here."

A patrol cop noted the bandit "never had a chance." He explained the robbery attempt took place on Broadway, between Wall Street and Exchange Place, and there were three cops on each corner. Also, the NYPD had anti-terrorist Operation Atlas cops, a Cobra terrorist response team, and a highway patrol unit stationed nearby.

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Wife reckless? Hubby morose? Blame the cat
Tue Sep 23, 2:13 AM ET 

PRAGUE (Reuters) - Kicking the cat may be a metaphor about venting frustrations on the innocent family feline, but could it be that Snowball really is to blame?

Czech scientist Jaroslav Flegr of Charles University in Prague told Reuters his research showed a parasite called toxoplasma gondii in cats, rabbits or raw meat, may make women reckless and friendly while making men jealous and morose.

Just contracting the bug might not be life-threatening but infected women behind the wheel can be fatal, and those out for a stroll in busy traffic may be a hazard, he said.

"It is not much fun. Our research has shown that toxoplasmosis raises 2.6 times the risk of a traffic accident by prolonging the reaction time of infected people," he said. It is not only about driving accidents but also about the probability of being run over by a car."

Flegr said his research shows men infected by the bug tend to be quiet, withdrawn, suspicious, jealous and dogmatic. He said he could not find a reason for the different reactions.

The illness could be responsible for up to one million of deaths on the roads worldwide, making it one of the deadliest parasitic diseases, second only to malaria, he said.

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You've been very naughty ... so it's step aerobics for you

Nicole Mowbray
Sunday September 28, 2003
The Observer

Even the most dedicated fitness fanatic occasionally needs extra motivation to make it to the gym, but a novel craze for slovenly New Yorkers takes encouragement to the extreme. Slavercise will raise your heart rate but there isn't a treadmill in sight. Be very afraid - and prepare to be whipped, slapped and intimidated into shape.

Run by a famed New York City dominatrix, petite blonde Mistress Victoria, Slavercise is an aerobics class which truly enforces the mantra 'no pain, no gain' and has attracted several celebrity clients.

Armed with a riding crop and clad in rubber, fishnet stockings and five-inch stiletto heels, 30-year-old Mistress Victoria puts 'slaves' through their paces in an S&M-inspired workout combining traditional aerobic exercise with her own tailor-made moves.

The classes evolved after she found herself forcing out-of-shape clients into performing sit-ups and press-ups at private dungeon sessions. 'A lot of people coming to see me as a dominatrix were obese and apologising for the way they looked. I figured it was time to do something about it,' explains Victoria.

'There was one client who used to come to sessions with snacks. I'd make him run around the room and chase his little snack cakes, then smash them in his face rather than letting him eat them.'

Victoria has been a dominatrix and role player for nine years but is also a media studies graduate and qualified gym instructor. 'People are more likely to pay attention to their workout if their trainer's a woman clad in leather and armed with a whip,' she says.

Slaves pay $20 for an hour-long weekly group session of verbal and physical humiliation, beatings and being bullied into shape. Latex, leather and rubber catsuits are optional - the only thing you need to bring to Slavercise is a pair of trainers and a bottle of water. The tone for the class is set when Mistress Victoria tells her students: 'You all look so pathetic.'

Squats, sprints, lunges and crunches combine to produce a solid workout which has the fittest slave in the pack breaking sweat. Victoria finds out each slave's particular desires before class. A foot fetishist, for example, gets extra push-ups at the Mistress's feet. 'People who wouldn't normally work out are doing so, which surely has to be a good thing,' she says.

A cross between Jane Fonda and Catwoman, the toned, super-fit and slightly scary Victoria also runs one-to-one classes, sessions for couples and group classes at Manhattan's Musical Theatre Works. Both sexes attend Slavercise classes, although there are more men than women.

Group sessions are limited to 15 members, but 150 couples and 130 individuals are enrolled for private tuition. Victoria will not reveal the identities of her celebrity clients but tantalisingly adds there are a couple of professional athletes on her books.

Penalties for slacking are humiliating. If you fail to impress, you might find yourself kissing the Mistress's derriere, oinking like a pig or donning a pink tutu.

The Slavercise website proclaims: 'You'll sweat, you'll laugh and you'll come back for more.' But if a dungeon in New York is too far to go, you can make do with the Slavercise DVD, 'for fat losers who haven't worked out in a long time'.